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[HWzM] Humor Wyciagniety z Mieszka - READ ME FIRST

  • 24.05.09, 16:58
    An undercover Sheriffs Deputy stops at a ranch and talks with an old farmer. He
    tells the farmer, ‘I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.’

    The old farmer says, ‘Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.’

    The Sheriff verbally explodes saying, ‘Mister, I have the authority of the
    Sheriffs Department with me.’ Reaching into his coat pocket, he pulls out his
    badge and thrusts it in the farmer's face. ‘See this badge? This badge means I
    am allowed to go wherever I wish..on any land. No questions asked or answers
    given. Have I made myself clear?

    The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.

    Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Sheriff running for his
    life and close behind is the farmer’s bull. With every step the bull is gaining
    ground on the officer. The Sheriff is clearly terrified.

    The old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at
    the top of his lungs…..

    ‘Your badge! Show him your badge!’
    --
    Ronald Reagan's speech: "ATime For Choosing"<br>
    Logan, the Sky Angel Cowboy
  • 24.05.09, 17:00
    An old Italian lived alone in New York. He wanted to plant his annual tomato
    garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

    His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a
    letter to his son and described his predicament:

    Dear Vincent,
    I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
    tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden
    plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be
    happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
    Love, Papa

    A few days later he received a letter from his son.


    Dear Pop,
    Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
    Love,
    Vinnie


    At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the
    entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.


    That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

    Dear Pop,
    Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the
    circumstances.


    Love you,
    Vinnie
    --
    Ronald Reagan's speech: "ATime For Choosing"<br>
    Logan, the Sky Angel Cowboy
  • 24.05.09, 17:02
    A woman from Vancouver , who was a tree hugger and anti-hunter, purchased acres
    of timberland near Lake Cowichan , Vancouver Island. There was a huge tree on
    one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to view the natural splendor
    of her land, so she climbed the tree. As she neared the top, she encountered an
    endangered spotted owl. It attacked her! In her haste to escape, the woman
    slid down the tree to the ground.

    The ensuing fall incurred several splinters of wood in her crotch. In
    considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor, 35 minutes away in Duncan
    . She told him she was an environmentalist and anti-hunter and how she came to
    receive all of the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great
    patience. He then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if
    he could help. The impatient patient sat, and sat, and waited for three hours
    before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'

    He smiled and said, 'Well, I had to get permits from Environment Canada ,
    the BC Forest Service, and Worksafe BC before I could remove old-growth
    timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down.'
    --
    Ronald Reagan's speech: "ATime For Choosing"<br>
    Logan, the Sky Angel Cowboy
  • 24.05.09, 17:04
    Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.

    Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as the
    whaling ship that killed his father.

    Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, 'That's the ship that killed
    my father! Let's swim closer!' When they were close enough, the male said, 'Why
    don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the
    ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge.'

    And the female agreed to this. So they each took a deep breath of air, swam
    under the ship, and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew
    into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.

    The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were
    not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.

    The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, 'They're still alive,
    but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!'

    That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said,
    'Oh no .... I agreed to the blow job, but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen.'
    --
    Ronald Reagan's speech: "ATime For Choosing"<br>
    Logan, the Sky Angel Cowboy
  • 24.05.09, 17:05
    THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

    Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband
    that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's
    not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

    If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper
    and rub it between them for a few seconds.'
    Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
    front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will
    this take?' I asked.

    They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I
    stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
    my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?' Without
    missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your ass, didn't it?'

    He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
    again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

    Stupid, stupid man.
    --
    Ronald Reagan's speech: "ATime For Choosing"<br>
    Logan, the Sky Angel Cowboy
  • 24.05.09, 17:06
    A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Minnesota recently with two
    buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked
    the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
    The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
    "Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
    "Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim
    around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take
    em home."
    "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
    The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show
    you. It really works."
    "O.K. I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.
    The man poured the fish in to the water and stood and waited. After several
    minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"
    "Well, what?" the man asked.
    "When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.
    "Call who back?" the man asked.
    "The FISH."
    "What fish?" the man asked.
    --
    Ronald Reagan's speech: "ATime For Choosing"<br>
    Logan, the Sky Angel Cowboy

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