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  • aniek133 19.01.06, 22:57
    > > RYDZYK
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > > Jam jest Ojciec Rydzyk twój, który cię wywiódł na plagi
    > egipskie, w radio głupoli:
    > > 1. Nie będziesz miał Radiów cudzych poza moim.
    > > 2. Nie będziesz odbierał Radia mego bez opłaty.
    > > 3. Pamiętaj, aby w dzień święty rentę przysłać.
    > > 4. Czcij Ojca swego i Rozgłośnię swoją.
    > > 5. Nie zagłuszaj.
    > > 6. Nie cudzosłysz.
    > > 7. Nie przestrajaj.
    > > 8. Nie unikaj fałszywego świadectwa na antenie mojej.
    > > 9. Nie pożądaj Maybacha Ojca Dyrektora swego.
    > > 10. Ani żadnej kasy, która Jego jest.
    > > Będziesz wspierał Ojca Dyrektora z całego serca swego, z całej
    > duszy swojej, z całej renty swojej i ze wszystkich sił swoich, a
    > Rozgłośnię Jego jak siebie samego.
  • mgna 03.02.06, 23:57
    Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips,
    President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair, wearing a white robe and
    sandals, and holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has
    anyone told you that you look like Moses?"

    The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead.

    The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.

    The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the president.

    The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed
    man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you?"

    The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.

    "Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and
    stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!" Again the president
    yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.

    The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and
    whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"

    The man leaned over and whispered back, "Yes, I am Moses. However, the last
    time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up
    leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East where there is no
    oil."

    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 03.02.06, 23:59
    George Bush was scheduled to visit the Methodist Church outside Washington.
    Bush's campaign manager visits the Bishop, and says, "We've been getting a lot
    of bad publicity among Methodists because of our position on stem cell research
    and the like. We'd gladly make a contribution to the church of $100,000 if
    during your sermon you'd say that the President is a saint."

    The Bishop thinks it over for a few moments and finally says, "The church needs
    funds so I'll do it."

    Bush pompously shows up looking especially smug. The sermon progresses -- the
    Bishop begins his homily: "George W. Bush is petty, a self-absorbed hypocrite
    and a nitwit. He is a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence weasel. He has lied
    about his military record and had the gall to put himself in a jet plane
    landing on a carrier posing before a banner stating 'Mission Accomplished.'
    He invaded a country for oil and money, and is using it to lie to the American
    people.

    "He is the worst example of a Methodist I've ever personally known. But
    compared to Dick Cheney, George Bush is a saint."

    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 04.02.06, 00:02
    It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this
    should help get you started.

    During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the
    criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
    institutionalized.

    "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
    a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

    "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket
    because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

    "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a
    bed near the window?"/*

    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 04.02.06, 00:05
    Ten mi sie podoba, cos na styl Ivana Trump "Don't get even, get EVERYTHING":

    One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that he
    hadn't gotten his daughter'sbirthday present. He pulls over to a toy store and
    asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?" The
    salesperson answers, "Which one? We have: Work out Barbie for $19.95,
    Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95
    Divorced Barbie for $265.95. The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced
    Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?" The salesperson annoyingly
    answers : "Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's
    Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and...one of Ken's Friends.

    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 04.02.06, 00:06
    Osama Bin Laden himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own
    handwriting, to let him know he was still in the game.

    Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded
    message:* 370HSSV-0773H

    * Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had
    no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI,
    so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

    With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help.
    Within a few minutes MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply "Tell the
    President he's holding the message upside down!"

    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 04.02.06, 00:11
    Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he
    often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave
    a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man
    standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

    "Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my
    bedroom?".

    The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

    Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live
    for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back
    straight away".

    St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can
    only send you back as a dog or a hen."

    Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he
    asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in
    feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought
    until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster
    strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your
    first day here?"

    "It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like
    I'm about to explode".

    "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an
    egg before".

    "Never" replies Brian "Well just relax and let it happen" And so he did and
    after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.
    An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of
    him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

    When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he
    knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened
    to him... ever!!!

    The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an
    enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting, "Brian,
    wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed"
    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 04.02.06, 15:38
    After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo (and he
    doesn't travel light) the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the
    curb.

    "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat,
    so we can leave?"

    "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the
    Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

    "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something
    should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that
    morning.

    "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. Reluctantly, the
    driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver
    quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff
    floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

    "Please slow down, your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope
    keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna
    lose my license," moans the driver.

    The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the
    cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

    "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the
    radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

    "So bust him," says the Chief.

    "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

    The Chief exclaimed "All the more reason!"

    "No, I mean really important," said the cop.

    The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

    Cop: "Bigger."

    Chief: "Governor?"

    Cop: "Bigger."

    "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

    Cop: "I think it's God!"

    Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

    Cop: "The Pope is his chauffeur!!"

    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 04.02.06, 15:40
    A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Basra, Iraq when they came upon an
    Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the
    road was an American Marine in similar but less serious state.

    The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the
    squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

    The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway
    here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and
    both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam
    Hussein is a miserable, lowlife, scumbag, and he yelled back that Senator Ted
    Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, left wing liberal and a fat drunk."

    So I said that "Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean spirited
    bitch!" He retaliated by yelling, "Oh, yeah? Well so does Hillary Clinton!"

    "And, there we were, standing in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a
    truck hit us."

    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 06.02.06, 21:07
    This year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address fall on nearly
    the same day. As Air America Radio pointed out, "It is an ironic
    juxtaposition: One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a
    creature of little intelligence for prognostication, and the other involves a
    groundhog."

    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • lee.loo 07.02.06, 00:38
  • hopplik 06.02.06, 22:04
    to cała opowieść, mam nadzieję że uda się ją dobrze przekazać
    mój znajomy japończyk, Takumi do uk przyjechał marnie władając angielskim,
    zamieszkał z angielską rodziną, by braki szybko nadrobić
    jego gospodarze postanowili wybrać się na kilka dni do Paryża więc Takumi sam
    został. w tym czasie odezwała się znajoma właścicieli domu, owa przyjaciółka
    istnienia Takumiego ani o wyjazdu do Paryża się nie spodziewała. Takumi odebrał
    telefon i z 'wdziękiem' usiłował pogawędzić z nieznajomą. Ona troszeczkę
    zdezorientowana, ponownie poprosiła do telefonu panią domu. Takumi chciał
    udzielić wyczerpującej informacji na temat gospodarzy i wypalił : They've
    passed away. Po drugiej stronie słuchawki zdenerwowana angielka podniesionym
    głosem zapytała: who are you? Na to Takumi: I'am the gost. No i wielka afera
    się zrobiła z tłumaczenia, że wakacje sobie zrobili a on jest gościem. Od tego
    incydentu nauka angielskiego poszła mu błyskawicznie, co sam podkreślał
    zaśmiewając się do łez z całej historii.
  • mgna 06.02.06, 22:40
    Super simeszna historyjka :)
    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • robak.rawback 07.02.06, 02:33
    no ten japonczyk to bylo super,

    a ja zapodam taki kawalek:

    Przychodzi lokaj do hrabiego i mowi:
    - Hrabio, moze podam obiad?
    - Bez sensu...
    - To moze hrabio pojdziemy na spacer?
    - Bez sensu...
    - No to moze opowiem zagadke?
    - Dobra, niech bedzie...
    - Hrabio, co to jest: "owlosione i wchodzi do dziury?"
    - Chuj.
    - A nie, bo mysz!
    - Mysz? W cipie? Bez sensu ...
  • mgna 07.02.06, 16:20
    Ale paskudnie smieszny kawal :)
    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • hopplik 08.02.06, 14:57
    na dole strony tytułowej
    www.chomiks.com
    znajdziecie zawsze aktualne i niecenzurowane info z Polski
  • mgna 13.02.06, 00:57
    I'm thinking of altering my terms of business and disclaimers at the end of my
    emails. Here's one some fellow IFA has suggested we adopt industry-wide:


    Disclaimer:

    I did not mean whatever I said in the way you took it if it does not work out.
    I did mean it as you took it however if it does work out, even if you didn't
    hear me say it.

    If I failed to mention something to you which later turns out to be important
    and you suffer loss, I accept no responsibility because unbeknown to you I
    didn't mention it on purpose for reasons that even now are too confidential to
    disclose to you and by not mentioning it I have in fact saved you from a far
    worse fate, but am unable to discuss it.

    If you follow my advice then that is your decision and if this leads to loss
    then that was your risk, in all respects, whether written, implied, guaranteed
    or seen in the tealeaves of the drink you had in my office. The same applies if
    you had coffee or water, relating instead to marks you may not even have seen
    at the time let alone recall clearly a decade or so later.

    I am a Financial Adviser but am not as psychic as you will be told in print I
    should have been in decades to come.

    I can not foresee what disasters the Government of the day can create during
    their term of office, nor its effect on the markets and can therefore not
    accept any liability, whether from direct or indirect actions or non-actions,
    for anything that occurs after this point in time as we firmly believe in the
    chaos theory and no matter what you do or do not do it will go wrong for you
    and no-one else.

    You will feel and you will try to blame us even if the aliens forget to remove
    your anal probe making you into an ignoramus when recalling facts later in your
    life.

    Whatever you do you must realise that if it goes wrong the Government and media
    will blame me, but if it goes right the media will claim credit and the
    Government will claim most of your gains in one or more forms of taxation.

    Tax may be a temporary measure and is ONLY in existence to fund the Napoleonic
    war, however no-one can confirm that the Napoleonic war has finished for good
    so Tax continues but its shape and form will always adapt to cover whatever you
    do that results in a gain, however it will not cover anyone in the same way as
    the Kings Clothes did not cover him should your wife, husband or lover decide
    to do a Lady Godiva and ride naked through the streets of Coventry or elsewhere
    11th Century style to reduce tax.

    We do not create the rules nor necessarily agree with them but we alone must
    abide by them, even those written retrospectively - notwithstanding my rights
    contained in the entire content of this disclaimer - have a nice day.

    D'you think the FSA will let me get away with it?

    :-)

    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 13.02.06, 01:08
    They're Back!Church Bulletin Bloopers: Thank Goodness for church ladies with
    typewriters.These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were
    announced in church services:


    *********************
    Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary
    Methodist.Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

    * * * * * * * * * * *
    The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

    * * * * * * * * * *
    The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon
    tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

    * * * * * * * * * *
    Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation
    hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

    * * * * * * * * * *
    Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.It's a chance to get rid of those things
    not worth keeping around the house.Don't forget your husbands.

    * * * * * * * * * *
    The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

    * * * * * * * * * *
    Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.Smile at someone who
    is hard to love.Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

    * * * * * * * * * *
    Don't let worry kill you off......let the Church help.


    * * * * * * * * * *
    Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious
    pleasure to the congregation.

    * * * * * * * * * *
    For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
    downstairs.

    * * * * * * * * * *
    Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.They need all the help they
    can get.

    * * * * * * * * * *
    Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
    transfusions.She is also having trouble sleeping.She has requested tapes of
    Pastor Jack's sermons.

    * * * * * * * * * *
    The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
    sing "Break Forth Into Joy."

    * * * * * * * * * *
    Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church and so
    ends a friendship that began in their school days.

    * * * * * * * * * *
    A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will
    follow.

    * * * * * * * * * *
    At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come
    early and listen to our choir practice.

    * * * * * * * * * *
    Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new
    members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

    * * * * * * * * * *
    Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
    Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

    * * * * * * * * * *
    Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you
    want remembered.

    * * * * * * * * * *
    Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

    * * * * * * * * * *
    The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
    gracious hostility.

    * * * * * * * * * *
    Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

    * * * * * * * * * *
    The ladies of the Church have cast-off clothing of every kind. Theymay be seen
    in the basement on Friday afternoon.

    * * * * * * * * * *
    This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park acrossfrom the
    Church.Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

    * * * * * * * * * *
    Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.All ladies are
    invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

    * * * * * * * * * *
    The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him
    their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

    * * * * * * * * * *
    Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.Please usethe back
    door.

    * * * * * * * * * *
    Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use
    large double door at the side entrance.

    * * * * * * * * * *
    The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last
    Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • robak.rawback 17.02.06, 22:41
    Mówi żona do męża
    - Poznajesz człowieka na fotografii?
    - Tak.
    - OK, dzisiaj o 16.00 odbierzesz go z przedszkola

    --------------------------------------------------------------------
    Do drzemiącego na kanapie, okrutnie skacowanego ojca, podchodzi mały Jasio.
    -Tatku, o co chodzi w tym szóstym przykazaniu?
    -Nie pie*dol synku...
    -O, dzięki, jednak dobrze kojarzyłem.
  • mgna 18.02.06, 21:18
    A blind man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. The plane had a layover
    in Sacramento. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and
    if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in
    one hour. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind.
    Another man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was
    blind because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of
    him throughout the entire flight. He could also tell he had flown this very
    flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name,
    said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for an hour, would you like to get off and
    stretch your legs?

    "The blind man replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch
    his legs."

    Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill
    when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye
    dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only
    tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines! True
    story....Have a great day and remember...

    Things aren't always as they appear.

    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 18.02.06, 21:26
    "The Late Show With David Letterman" (CBS)


    "Good news ladies and gentleman, we have finally located weapons of mass
    destruction...It's Dick Cheney."


    * * *


    "We can't get Bin Laden, but we nailed a 78-year-old attorney."


    * * *


    "Honestly, I don't know what all of the fuss is about. What's more American
    than shooting your hunting buddy in the ass?"


    * * *


    "The guy who got gunned down is a Republican lawyer and a big Republican donor
    and fortunately the buck shot was deflected by wads of laundered cash. So he's
    fine. He took a little in the wallet."


    * * *


    From "Cheney's Excuses," Monday night's Top 10 list: "I thought the guy was
    trying to go gay cowboy on me."


    "The Daily Show With Jon Stewart" (Comedy Central)


    A partial transcript:

    Jon Stewart: "Yes, as you've just heard, a near-tragedy over the weekend in
    south Texas. Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail
    hunt at a political supporter's ranch. Making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the
    first person shot by a sitting VP since Alexander Hamilton.

    "Hamilton, of course, shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor,
    integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird.


    * * *


    The other player in the drama? Ranch owner and eyewitness Katharine Armstrong.

    Katharine Armstrong: "We were shooting a covey of quail. The vice president and
    two others got out of the car to walk up the covey."

    Jon Stewart: "What kind of hunting story begins with getting out of your car?
    As I sighted the great beast before us, my shaking hands could barely engage
    the parking brake. Slowly, I turned off the A/C and silenced my sub-woofers…"


    * * *


    Katharine Armstrong: "A bird flushed. The vice president took aim at the bird
    and shot and unfortunately, Mr. Whittington was in the line of fire and got
    peppered pretty well."

    Jon Stewart: "Peppered. There you have it. Harry Whittington, seasoned to
    within an inch of his life.


    * * *


    Jon Stewart: "I'm joined now by our own vice-presidential firearms mishap
    analyst, Rob Corddry. Rob, obviously a very unfortunate situation. How is the
    vice president handling it?

    Rob Corddry: "Jon, tonight the vice president is standing by his decision to
    shoot Harry Wittington. According to the best intelligence available, there
    were quail hidden in the brush. Everyone believed at the time there were quail
    in the brush.

    "And while the quail turned out to be a 78-year-old man, even knowing that
    today, Mr. Cheney insists he still would have shot Mr. Whittington in the face.
    He believes the world is a better place for his spreading buckshot throughout
    the entire region of Mr. Whittington's face."

    Jon Stewart: "But why, Rob? If he had known Mr. Whittington was not a bird, why
    would he still have shot him?"

    Rob Corddry: "Jon, in a post-9-11 world, the American people expect their
    leaders to be decisive. To not have shot his friend in the face would have sent
    a message to the quail that America is weak."

    Jon Stewart: "That's horrible."

    Rob Corddry: "Look, the mere fact that we're even talking about how the vice
    president drives up with his rich friends in cars to shoot farm-raised wingless
    quail-tards is letting the quail know 'how' we're hunting them. I'm sure right
    now those birds are laughing at us in that little 'covey' of theirs.

    Jon Stewart: "I'm not sure birds can laugh, Rob."

    Rob Corddry: "Well, whatever it is they do...coo .. they're cooing at us right
    now, Jon, because here we are talking openly about our plans to hunt them. Jig
    is up. Quails one, America zero.

    Jon Stewart: "Okay, well, on a purely human level, is the vice president at
    least sorry?"

    Rob Corddry: "Jon, what difference does it make? The bullets are already in
    this man's face. Let's move forward across party lines as a people...to get him
    some sort of mask."


    "Jimmy Kimmel Live" (ABC)


    Among the jokes in consideration for Monday's telecast:

    "It's part of the president's new Social Security plan. Once you hit 78,
    kablamo."


    * * *


    "Luckily, the guy he shot was wearing the body armor that never got shipped to
    the troops."


    * * *


    "You know what they say, if Dick Cheney comes out of his hole and shoots an old
    man in the face, 6 more weeks of winter."


    "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" (NBC)


    "Although it is beautiful here in California, the weather back East has been
    atrocious. There was so much snow in Washington, D.C. Dick Cheney accidentally
    shot a fat guy thinking it was a polar bear."


    * * *


    "When people found out he shot a lawyer his popularity is now at 92%"

    * * *


    "After he shot the guy, he screamed, 'Anyone else want to call domestic wire
    tapping illegal?' "


    * * *


    "Something I just found out today about the incident. Do you know that Dick
    Cheney tortured the guy for a half hour before he shot him?"


    * * *


    "Cheney's defense is that he was aiming at a quail when he shot the guy. Which
    means that Cheney now has the worst aim of anyone in the White House since Bill
    Clinton."


    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 20.02.06, 22:21
    DADDY’S LITTLE GIRL - A VALENTINES’S WISH!

    Little Thelma comes home from first grade and tells her father that they
    learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "...and, since Valentine's Day is
    for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for
    giving someone a valentine?"

    Thelma's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad.
    Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

    "Osama Bin Laden," she says.

    "Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.

    "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have
    enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're
    not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. If other kids saw
    what I did and then they sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot.
    Then he'd start going all over the place and tell everyone how much he loved
    them, and how he didn't hate anyone, anymore.

    Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.

    "Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

    "I know," Thelma says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines
    could blow the shit out of him."


    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • effata 25.02.06, 13:42
    Mój wątek o zdejmowaniu butów został już zarchiwizowany, a zresztą nie cieszył
    się zbyt dużym powodzeniem (chlip, chlip). Ale że pojawił się link na głównej
    stronie gazety, to przeczytałam i znalazłam taki opis. Moim znaniem bomba
    (gościu pisze na Polonii):
    *********************
    • Fenomen polskiego kapcia
    klient.z.comcast.tx 21.10.05, 06:23 + odpowiedz


    Tak mi sie zebralo na reminiscing. W Polsce wszyscy nosili KAPCIE. Pamietam
    jak dzis. Nie wolno chodzic na boso po domu bo sie przeziebisz. Jak sie szlo
    do kogos z wizyta od drzwi proponowano ci kapcie. Czesto ludzie mieli cale
    szafy wstretnych, smierdzacych, dziurawych, zagrzybialych, wspolnych kapci w
    domu. Jak sie powiedzialo ze nie dziekuje, to wrecz na sile wciskali na nogi
    gosciowi te obrzydliwe trepy. Najlepsze byly imieniny. Ciocia Ziuta
    wymalowana, oblana perfumami pod niedomyte pachy, ubrana w wyjsciowa sukienke
    wkraczala do pokoju goscinnego w zaduzych meskich papuciach, a wujek Rysiek w
    niedzielnym garniturze towarzyszyl u jej boku w dzierganych na szydelku
    cizemkach o kolorze trudnym do opisania. Nawet jeszcze jako gowniarz w Polsce
    dzialalo mi to na nerwy. Te wygrzebywanie kapci ze smierdzacych szafek w
    korytarzu. Znalezienie pary to byl juz niezly wyczyn. To byly czasy. Czy ta
    tradycja jest jeszcze przestrzegana w Polsce??? A moze jest jeszcze jakis
    kraj w ktorym noszenie kapci jest tak swiecie przestrzegane??? Ironiczne jest
    to ze w Ameryce nosi sie w domu buty, ale mozna spokojnie przejsc sie w
    pogodny dzien around the block w bialych skarpetkach bez wiekszego damage'u.
    Bedac w Polsce na wizycie jakies 12 lat temu, zauwazylem ze chodzenie po domu
    w bialych skarpetkach bez kapci sprawia iz na koncu dnia mozemy spokojnie
    zdjac owe skarpetki i postawic je w przedpokoju bez zadnej szansy odprania
    sztywnych niby-podeszw ktore uformowaly sie na ich spodzie. Ale jaja. Czy
    ktos ma podobne doswiadczenia/spostrzezenia? Piszcie rodacy, jak to jest z
    tymi kapciami.
    ***********************************
    --
    Don't guess.
  • jagienkaa 25.02.06, 21:52
    właśnie wyczytałam w the Independent:
    "if you know three languages, you're trillingual. If you know two - you're
    billingual. If you know one, you're English":)
    --
    Jagienka i Dominik (29.11.2002)
  • mgna 28.02.06, 22:47
    Jerry Seinfeld can do it. Tony Bennett can do it. And, Marcel Marceau can do
    it. Each can totally entertain you with their pure God given talent. That's
    what Chris Bliss is about to do for you and he'll do it with his hands, three
    juggling balls, and an imagination that speaks from his heart.

    This amazing video is actually the juggling finale to his comedy performance.
    Close the door, turn off your phone, crank up your speakers, and enjoy the show.

    Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the world class juggling of CHRIS BLISS.....
    marketplace.espeakers.com/flavplayer_content.php
    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 28.02.06, 22:55
    www.wimp.com/bushcomedy/
    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • pati.zop78 01.03.06, 00:21
    This video does not worked when linked to directly.

    podaj link do strony
  • hanula 22.03.06, 23:21
    Nie wiem, czy korzystacie z usenetu, czyli z grup dyskusyjnych. Jedną z moich
    ulubionych jest grupa pl.rec.humor.najlepsze (prhn), na którą ludzie przesyłają
    - as per nazwa - najweselsze posty z wszelkich innych grup dyskusyjnych. Prhn
    jest moderowana, więc co jakiś czas rzutem na taśmę pojawia się nowy pakiet
    kilkudziesięciu postów. Właśnie dziś moderatorka wrzuciła nową partię, więc jak
    zwykle leżę i kwiczę ze śmiechu.
    Prhn na Gazecie:
    usenet.gazeta.pl/usenet/0,48200.html?group=pl.rec.humor.najlepsze
  • tuti 23.03.06, 08:25
    bash.org.pl/
    hihihihihiihiihi :)
  • mgna 25.03.06, 23:56
    To paraphrase the Rolling Stones, "You can't always get what you want, but if
    you try real hard...", you can lift yourself up and leave the room.

    Shortcut to: news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/4840160.stm (for the original
    web page)

    Chirac upset by English address

    President Chirac is a proud defender of his native language
    French President Jacques Chirac showed his temper at the EU summit when a
    French business leader addressed delegates in English. He stormed out of a
    session when Ernest-Antoine Seilliere said he chose English "because that is
    the accepted business language of Europe today".

    Mr Chirac told reporters on Friday he was "deeply shocked" that a Frenchman
    chose to address the summit in English.

    Protectionism has emerged as a hot topic at the Brussels summit.

    Mr Chirac's protest came when Mr Seilliere, the French president of the
    employers' association UNICE, said he would address the meeting in English.

    Business language

    According to a French official, Mr Seilliere was interrupted by Mr Chirac,
    who asked him in French why on earth he was speaking English.

    He replied that English was the working language of that particular session
    and the accepted business language of Europe today.

    Mr Chirac, Foreign Minister Philippe Douste-Blazy and Finance Minister Thierry
    Breton left the room.

    Mr Chirac returned to hear the French president of the European Central Bank,
    Jean-Claude Trichet, address the leaders in French.

    He later explained his actions, saying: "France has great respect for its
    language.

    "It has been fighting for a long time to establish the presence of the French
    language - whether it be at the Olympic Games, where it was contested for a
    while, whether it be in the European Union, or at the United Nations."

    He added: "Faced with the efforts that we are making constantly, particularly
    within the European Union... I must say that I was deeply shocked to see a
    Frenchman speak at the council in English. That is the reason why the French
    delegation and I left, rather than have to listen to that."

    French pride

    It is not the first time Mr Chirac has made a point of defending the French
    language in the international arena.

    At previous gatherings he has stuck to French, using an interpreter to
    translate into English, despite the fact that he has a good understanding of
    English, having spent time in his youth as a Harvard student and forklift
    driver at a US brewery.

    Mr Seilliere went on to urge EU leaders to "resist national protectionism in
    order to avoid a negative domino effect".

    Italy has accused France of protectionism over a controversial deal to merge
    Gaz de France and Suez, which was a takeover target for Italian firm Enel.

    Mr Chirac rejected the charges on Friday, telling reporters: "When I hear talk
    of French economic protectionism, for me that is complete nonsense".

    French used to be the lingua franca for most EU business, but with the
    expansion of the EU to 25 member states, English is becoming even more
    dominant.

    European Commission President Jose Manuel Barroso, who often switches between
    languages in speeches and press conferences, later stuck to French in his
    address to the meeting.


    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 26.03.06, 00:00
    Obcielo mi tytul, mialo byc tak:

    C'est la vie... (From the reality is stranger than fiction department)


    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 26.03.06, 00:03
    A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local
    liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic
    ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for
    conversation.

    She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
    something bothering you?"

    "Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."

    "The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like
    you have seen a lot of action."

    The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

    The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know,
    you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

    The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

    Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong
    way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

    The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."

    She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
    everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led
    him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. [mgna:
    yeah, right! dream on boys!!!!] Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned
    against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since
    1955!"

    The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I
    hope not, it's only 2130 now."


    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 26.03.06, 00:09
    Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took
    place:

    First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing
    this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the
    house next weekend."

    Second guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a
    new deck for the pool."

    Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will
    remodel the kitchen for her."

    They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a
    word. So they asked him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do
    to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

    Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 4:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my
    alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex?" and she said, "Wear
    sun block." [mgna: that's more like it! ;) ]


    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 04.04.06, 20:38
    A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly
    Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those
    clocks?"

    St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
    Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

    "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

    "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never
    told a lie."

    "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

    St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved
    twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

    "Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man.

    "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.
    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 04.04.06, 20:40
    She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast. He walks in and
    asks "What's for breakfast?"

    She turns to him and says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment".

    He, thinking it's his lucky day, stands her over the kitchen table and they
    have sex.

    Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?" She says "The egg timer's
    broken!"

    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 04.04.06, 20:50
    The Perils of Viagra


    A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra. The doctor
    told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose. "Why not?" asked the man.

    "Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.

    "But I need it really bad," said the man.

    "Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.

    The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife
    will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't
    you see? I must have a double dose."

    The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you
    have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if
    there are any side effects."

    On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling. The doctor
    asked, "What happened to you?"

    The man said, "No one showed up!"

    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 04.04.06, 20:53
    Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He
    traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it...... Right
    after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black
    bear.

    The black bear said: "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm
    going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or ... we have sex."
    After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative... So
    the black bear had his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks,
    Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

    He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black bear and
    shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a
    huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said: "That was a big
    mistake, Frank...... That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I
    maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to
    cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his
    way with Frank. Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully
    recovered.

    Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to
    track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then,
    moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a
    giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said: "Admit
    it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 08.04.06, 13:13
    An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking,
    and discussing how stupid their wives were.

    The Englishman says, ''I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went
    to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and
    we don't even have a fridge to keep it in.''

    The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is
    thicker.

    ''Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car,'' he laments,
    ''and she doesn't even know how to drive!''

    The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they
    both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.

    However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. ''Ah, it kills me everytime I
    think of it,'' he chuckles. ''My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I
    watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in
    there and she doesn't even have a penis!''

    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 08.04.06, 13:15
    A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a
    problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one
    thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're
    prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest
    exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then
    said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots
    whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

    Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with
    Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm
    sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you,"
    the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

    The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he
    ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were inside their cage, hold
    their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her
    parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots
    exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
    fun?"

    There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other
    male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been
    answered!"

    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 08.04.06, 13:16
    Last summer, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run Jane kept hinting
    to Dick, her husband, that he needed to get it fixed. However, for some reason
    the message wasn't sinking in.

    She finally thought of a clever way to make the point. When Dick arrived home
    that day, he found her seated in the tall grass busily clipping away with a
    tiny pair of sewing scissors.

    He watched silently for a short time, then went into the house. Jane thought
    she had again failed to get his attention. He was gone only a few moments, and
    when he came out again he handed her a toothbrush saying, "When you finish
    cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the sidewalks."

    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 08.04.06, 22:17
    A stitch in time saves nine? What caused the problem? Never too late for a
    cure, as time is merely the fourth dimension. As a patient, all you must do is
    traverse the first three to get to Ohio. Then there's money (which dimension
    is that?). Advanced chiropractry is attacked by the naughty medical
    establishment:


    "Chiropractor Claims He Can Go Back in Time"
    By JOHN McCARTHY
    ap

    COLUMBUS, Ohio (April 6) - A chiropractor who claims he can treat anyone by
    reaching back in time to when an injury occurred has attracted the attention of
    state regulators.

    The Ohio State Chiropractic Board, in a notice of hearing, has accused James
    Burda of Athens of being "unable to practice chiropractic according to
    acceptable and prevailing standards of care due to mental illness,
    specifically, Delusional Disorder, Grandiose Type."

    Burda denied that he is mentally ill. He said he possesses a skill he
    discovered by accident while driving six years ago.

    "My foot hurt and, knowing anatomy, I went ahead and I told it to realign and
    my pain went away," Burda said Thursday.

    Burda calls his treatment "Bahlaqeem."

    "It is a made-up word and, to my knowledge, has no known meaning except for
    this intended purpose. It does, however, have a soothing vibrational influence
    and contains the very special number of nine letters," Burda's Web site says.

    The board alleges in three counts against Burda that the treatment is
    unacceptable and constitutes "willful and gross malpractice." Burda has until
    May 1 to request a hearing. The board can levy penalties ranging from a
    reprimand to revoking his license to practice, said Kelly Caudill, the board's
    executive director.

    Caudill said she could not discuss the board's allegations while the
    investigation continues and could not comment on whether any of Burda's
    patients had complained. She said the board began the investigation when it
    learned of Burda's Web site. Burda said he likely will seek a hearing.

    Burda said he charges nothing for his first "visit," usually by phone or
    Internet, and subsequent treatments are $60.

    "All treatments are satisfaction-guaranteed. Treatment is always done before
    payment is made," Burda said, adding that one patient "just wasn't satisfied,
    and I tore up her check.

    The Web site describes the treatment as "a long-distance healing service (not a
    product) to help increase the quality of your life that can be performed in the
    privacy of your home or other personal space. There is no need to come to my
    office."

    The treatment is not telepathic because the patient does not have to believe in
    what he's doing, Burda said. He has treated hundreds of patients and reports
    nine out of 10 patients are satisfied, he said.

    While he knows of no other people who have his particular skill, he said
    lawmakers and regulators should allow alternative forms of treatment for the
    patients who seek them.

    "People who are in need cannot go to these people because they are not allowed
    to practice. This is terrible," Burda said.


    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • tuti 11.04.06, 12:35
    2 swans are playing 'battleship'

    -H5 - says the first one
    -N1 - replies the other
  • mgna 17.04.06, 23:41
    A body builder picks up a blonde at a bar and takes her home with him.

    He takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have." The
    body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."

    He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have."
    The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."

    He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment
    screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after
    her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

    The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw
    how short the fuse was."

    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 17.04.06, 23:45
    A truck driver hauling a tractor trailer filled with computers stops for a
    beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door reading, "Nerds
    Not Allowed -- Enter at Your Own Risk." He enters the bar and sits down. The
    bartender comes over to him, sniffs him, says he smells kind of nerdy, and asks
    him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the
    smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says okay, truck
    drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

    As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy with tape around his glasses, a pocket
    protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too
    long walks in. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and
    blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender
    said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and now
    they are in season. "You don't even need a license," he said.

    So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads
    back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load
    shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.
    He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They
    are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he
    has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. Remembering what had
    happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling
    several of them instantly.

    A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming
    at him to stop. The truck driver says, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were
    in season."

    "Well, sure," says the patrolman, "but you can't bait 'em."

    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 21.04.06, 20:24
    A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she
    might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her,he called the
    family Doctor to discuss the problem.

    The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform
    to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

    Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and
    in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30
    feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

    That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.
    He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

    Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

    No response.

    So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and
    repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

    Still no response.

    Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and
    asks, Honey, what's for dinner?"

    Again he gets no response.

    So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away."Honey, what's for
    dinner?"

    Again there is no response.

    So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

    "Frank, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 22.04.06, 13:31
    A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a redhead with
    three small children running around at her feet.

    He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

    She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

    "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

    "We use it for sex."

    The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and
    say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.
    But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your
    honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly "how you use
    it for sex?"

    The redhead said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on
    the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 22.04.06, 13:32
    Joe went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said. "I've got trouble. Every time I
    get into bed, I'm sure that there's somebody under it. I haven't slept in a
    week. I'm going crazy."

    "Come to me three times a week and I'll cure your fears."

    "How much do you charge"?

    "A hundred dollars per visit."

    Six months later, the doctor met Joe on the street.

    "Why didn't you ever come to see me again"?

    "A bartender cured me for $10. He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 22.04.06, 13:34
    decider.cf.huffingtonpost.com/
    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 23.04.06, 16:24
    A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. Out of
    breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few
    minutes. I'll explain why later."

    The nun agreed.

    Just a moment later two Military Police came running along and asked, "Sister,
    have you seen a soldier running by here??"

    The nun replied, "He went that way."

    After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and
    said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq."

    The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear."

    The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have
    a great pair of legs!"

    The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a
    great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either."

    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 24.04.06, 21:17
    Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

    One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly
    fell into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool. Edna promptly jumped
    in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

    When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately
    ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be
    mentally stable.

    When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad
    news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to
    rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another
    patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness. The bad
    news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in his bathroom with
    the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

    Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I
    go home?"

    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • jagienkaa 24.04.06, 21:50
    no ja nie mogę. Skąd Ty bierzesz te kawały? dostajesz je mejlem czy coś
    codziennie?!!!
    --
    Jagienka i Dominik nowe zdjęcia, patriotyczne;)
  • mgna 29.04.06, 22:49
    > no ja nie mogę. Skąd Ty bierzesz te kawały? dostajesz je mejlem czy coś
    > codziennie?!!!
    Znajomy podtrzymuje "Humor Group" i wysyla tym ktorzy do niej naleza te kawaly;
    prawie codziennie :) Poniewaz jest to znajomy z NYC stad duza ilosc kawalow
    jest o Bush'u, niektore bardziej polityczne lub oparte na nuansach
    amerykanskiej pop kultury nie wysylyam poniewaz niesadze ze dla was beda
    smieszne.

    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 01.05.06, 21:35
    Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up in Jack's minivan
    and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible
    blizzard.

    They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the
    door if they could spend the night.

    "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to
    myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid neighbors will
    talk if I let you stay in my house."

    "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the
    weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men
    made their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

    Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed
    a great weekend of skiing.

    About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It
    took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was
    from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

    He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-
    looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"

    Yes, I do."

    "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and
    pay her a visit?"

    "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit
    that I did."

    "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

    Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why
    do you ask?

    "She just died and left me everything."

    (And you thought the ending would be different didn't you?)
    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 03.05.06, 13:47
    There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging
    a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house
    of ill repute and knocked on the door.

    When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

    He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to
    buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

    The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him
    to pick any of the girls he liked.

    He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course the Madam said no.

    He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making
    love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

    Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam
    told him to go to the first room on the right.

    He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

    Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and
    headed out the door.

    The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place
    with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

    He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going
    out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a babysitter.

    After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens
    to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just
    caught.

    When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll
    jump the babysitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease.

    Then when Dad gets home from the babysitter's, he and Mom will go to bed and
    have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the
    Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease,
    and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my frog."

    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 03.05.06, 13:48
    A couple, both bona-fide rednecks, had nine children. They went to the doctor
    to see about getting the husband "fixed".

    The doctor asked them why, after 9 children, would they choose to do this. The
    husband repliedthat they had read a recent article that one out of every 10
    children being born in North America wasMexican and they didn't want a Mexican
    baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 03.05.06, 13:50
    A guy is out with buddies, has a few drinks, and is feeling a little frisky
    but, true to his wife, he goes home. He finds her sound asleep in bed with
    her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.

    She starts to choke, but recovers and asks, "What did you put in my mouth?" and
    he says, "Two aspirin."

    She replies, "But I don't have a headache!"

    He says, "That's all I wanted to hear.”

    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 16.05.06, 19:13
    A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The
    waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke,"
    and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours"?

    "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

    A short time later, the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40
    please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact
    change for payment.

    The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
    hamburger, fries, and a coke."

    The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

    Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes
    routine until the two enter again later in the week. "The usual"? asks the
    waitress.

    "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad,"
    says the man.

    "Same," says the ostrich.

    Shortly, the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once
    again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the
    table.

    The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

    "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
    out of your pocket every time"?

    "Well," says the man, "several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and found
    an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My
    first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand
    in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's
    brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or
    something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

    "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money
    is always there," says the man.

    The waitress asks, "But what's with the ostrich"?

    The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs
    who agrees with everything I say."

    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 16.05.06, 19:16
    Three dogs, a Great Dane, a Boxer and a German Shepard are sitting in a vets
    office and strike up a conversation.

    The Great Dane turns to the Boxer and asks, what are you here for?

    "I'm a pisser", "I piss on everything", the sofa, the cat, the kid but the
    final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owners bed.

    So, what is the vet gonna do? the Great Dane asks. "Lethal injection" came
    the sad reply from the Boxer.

    The Great Dane turns to the Shepard and asked the same question.

    "I'm a digger", I dig under fences, I dig up flowers and trees. I dig for the
    hell of it. When inside I even dig up the carpets, but I went over the limit
    when I dug a hole in the middle of the owner's couch.

    So, what they gonna go to you? "Lethal injection," replied the Dejected Shepard.

    The Shepard asked the Great Dane why he was there.

    "I'm a humper. I'll hump anything, I'll hump the cat, pillows, the table, fire
    hydrants. Whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had
    just gotten out of the shower and bent down to dry her toes and I couldn't help
    myself and hopped on her back and started humping away.

    The Boxer and Lab exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, lethal injection for
    you too, huh?"

    No, No, the Great Dane said.

    "I'm here to get my nails clipped."
    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 20.05.06, 16:35
    DEPT OF TRANSPORT INITIATIVE - MAY 2006.

    Information Release.

    There is concern over the current driving standards in England, so the
    Department of Transport have devised a scheme to identify poor and dangerous
    drivers.

    This system will allow all road users to recognise the potentially hazardous
    and dangerous ones, or those with limited driving skills.

    From the middle of May 2006 all those drivers who are found to be a potential
    hazard to all other road users will be issued with a white flag, bearing a red
    cross.

    This flag clearly indicates their inability to drive properly.

    These flags must be clipped to a door of the car and be visible to all other
    drivers and pedestrians.

    Those drivers who have shown particularly poor driving skills will have to
    display two flags:

    One on each side of the car to indicate an even greater lack of skill and
    limited driving intelligence.

    Please circulate this to as many other motorists as you can, in order that
    drivers and pedestrians will be aware of the meaning of these flags.

    Thank you for your co-operation.

    Department of Transport.
    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 24.05.06, 13:48
    The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to
    one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were
    both super workers.

    Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the
    water cooler the next morning.

    Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all
    night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The Boss approached her and
    said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

    "Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."

    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 24.05.06, 13:49
    A Greek and an Italian were drinking coffee one day discussing who had the
    superior culture.

    Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon". Arching
    his eyebrows the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

    The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian,
    nodding in agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

    And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end
    the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

    The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced
    it to women."

    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • benala 25.04.06, 18:59
    cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd
    waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the
    hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde
    Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a
    wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and
    lsat ltteer are in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
    taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the
    huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter
    by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot
    slpeling was ipmorantt!
  • pati.zop78 25.04.06, 22:44
    dobre. ale czy w polksim tez by dzialalo?
    --
    pozdrawiamy
    Patrycja i Rizvani
  • mgna 28.04.06, 23:52
    Becky, who belonged to a synagogue group devoted to visiting and helping the
    sick members of her congregation, was out making her rounds visiting homebound
    patients when she ran out of gas.

    As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away.

    She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant
    told her the only gas can he owned had been loaned out but she could wait until
    it was returned.

    Since Becky was on the way to see another patient, and behind schedule, she
    decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

    She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted
    the bedpan she always had handy for needy patients.

    Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas,
    and carried the full bedpan back to her car which was decorated with many
    Hebrew decals and bumper stickers.

    As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the
    street. One of them turned to the other and said:

    "If it starts, I'm converting to Judaism!"

    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 29.04.06, 22:37
    www.lovenstein.org/report/
    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 29.04.06, 22:45
    Tom and the blond are watching TV in a bar.

    Tom says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

    The blond replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

    Tom placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

    Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a
    swan dive off the building, plummeting to his death.

    The blond was very upset and handed her $20 to Tom, saying, "Fair's fair.
    Here's your money."

    Tom replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock
    news and so I knew he would jump."

    The blond replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

    Tom took the money.

    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • dorotus76 25.05.06, 09:34
    Moja 5-letnia córeczka strasznie jest przejęta nidalekim wyjazdem do tatusia do
    Anglii. W związku z tym ma setki pytań. Najdziwaczniejszych. Ale wczoraj mnie
    rozłożyła na łopatki:
    -mamusiu, a w Anglii jest toaleta?...

    (he he, a swoją drogą jak zobaczy te podwójne krany w łazienkach to się dopiero
    zdziwi...)
    --
    Wiki i Pola - dwa małe łobuziaki
  • mamaliv 27.05.06, 00:03
    Kubus po przyjsciu ze szkoly powiedzial:
    -Mamusiu pani kazala przyniesc na jutro zaswiadczenie.
    -Ale jakie zaswiadczenie synku?O czym?
    -Nie wiem. A jakie moga byc zaswiadczenia?
    -Moze byc tysiace zaswiadczen.
    Na to maly rezolutnie:
    _To daj mi wszystkie.
    ---------------------

    Mama odbiera z przedszkola Ewe. Dziewczynka skarzy sie:
    -Wiesz mamo, a Wojtek uderzyl mnie dzisiaj klockiem
    -No to trzeba bylo mu oddac
    -Ale ja przeciez niczego mu nie zabralam!

    ---------------------

    Antos oswiadczyl mamie , ze od dzis bedzie grzeczny. Mama pochwalila go za to.
    Niestety juz po chwili maly zaczal balaganic. Mama zapytala:
    -Antosiu obiecales ze bedziesz grzeczny a ty znowu psocisz?
    Na to synek:
    -Zapomnialem ci powiedziec, ze nauczylem sie klamac.

    -------------------

    Trzyletniej Marcie mama powiedziala ze jest slodka i zje jej nosek. Marta
    wykrzyknela:
    -O nie, tylko nie nosek!
    -Dlaczego nie? - zapytala mama
    -A gdzie bede miec katar?

    -------------------

    Dominika marudzila w przedszkolu i nie chciala isc na lekcje jezyka
    angielskiego. Kiedy po poludniu mama zapytala ja, dlaczego nie poszla na
    angielski, mala odpowiedziala:
    -Po prostu balam sie, mamusiu, ze zapomne polskiego.

    -----------------

    Mala Kamila podeszla do taty kiedy zmywal naczynia i porosila:
    -Tato, ukroisz mi placka?
    -Mam mokre rece, powinnas sama nauczyc sie kroic. Ja w Twoim wieku to juz sam
    jezdzilem do Limanowej!-zazartowal tata
    Na to corka zapytala kpiaco:
    -Ciekawe, kto ci pozwolil prowadzic autobus?

    --------------------

    Kacperek wchodzi do lazienki, gdzie widzi kapiaca sie mame. Patrzac na jej
    piersi pyta:
    -Po co ci to?
    Mama wyjasnia mu ze to sa piersi i ze jak byl maly, to pil z nich mleczko. Na to
    Kacperek:
    -A teraz zostawilas je sobie na pamiatke?

    ----------------

    Po klotni z tata mama przestala sie do niego odzywac. Tlumaczy corce, ze dorosli
    tez musza czasem od siebie odpoczac i dodala:
    -Ale nie martw sie bo wszystko juz jest w porzadku.
    Na to Asia:
    -To dobrze bo mam juz dosc tego zajmowania sie domem.

    ---------------

    Wujek zartem namawia Julke:
    -Popros tatusia zeby kupil ci kurki, krowki, konika, swinke...
    Julka przerywa kategorycznie:
    -Swinki nie, bo do swinki trzeba wrzucac pieniazki.
    ---------------

    Ola uwielbia zabawe w berka. Pewnego dnia po gonitwie tata zaproponowal corce,
    zeby pobawila sie w cos innego. Ola zapytala:
    -To moze pobawimy sie laleczka?
    -Dobrze-odpowiedzial tata-Tylko co bedziemy robic?
    Na to corka rezolutnie:
    -Laleczka bedzie siedziec i patrzec, a my zabawimy sie w berka.
    --------------

    Szymek prosi :
    -Tatusiu, kup mi bebenek.
    Ale tata ani mysli sie zgodzic:
    -Nie kupie ci bebenka, bo bedziesz mi przeszkadzal w pracy.
    Wtedy Szymek zaprzeczyl:
    -Nie bede ci przeszkadzal w pracy, bo bede gral tylko wtedy, gdy ty bedziesz spal!
    --------------

    Rodzinka przyjechala do osrodka wczasowego. Kiedy rozpakowali rzeczy,
    zaaferowany Macius biegal i dokazywal. W pewnym momencie zagadnal do niego
    ochroniarz:
    -Hej, urwisie!
    Wtedy Maciek podbiegl do mamy i zdziwoiny zapytal:
    -Mamo skad ten pan mnie zna?
    ---------------
    Na rodzinnym obiedzie byla ciocia, ktora jest zakonnica. Mama postawila kurczaka
    na stole i poprosila synka o odmowienie modlitwy.
    Michal byl tak zaaferowany widokiem cioci w habicie, ze popatrzyl na kurczaka i
    wydusil:
    -Wieczny odpoczynek racz mu dac Panie!

    --
    Jedna czarna owca podkreśla biel wszystkich pozostałych.
  • kiotano_woman 27.05.06, 09:56
    Moj znnajomy w sytuacjach tzw. niejednoznacznych czyli, gdy mu sie zdaje, ze
    ktos zwyczajnie sciemnia robi tak...
    Mruzy oczy i glosem lagodnego pastora wyglasza -
    Speak your truth clearly and quietly, and listen to others. Even the dull and
    the ignorant. They too have their story...
    Mnie to zawsze rozbawia do lez... kilka razy widzialam miny osob do ktorych to
    bylo skierowane...hihii
  • mgna 12.06.06, 19:43
    A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest
    beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

    "Of course. What may I do for you?"

    "Well, I bought an expensive electronic hairdryer that is well over the Customs
    limits, "and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry
    it through Customs for me? "Under your robes perhaps?"

    "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With
    your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

    When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

    The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

    "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

    The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to
    declare from your waist to the floor?"

    "I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which
    is, to date, unused."

    Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."

    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 12.06.06, 19:44
    A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under
    one roof" department store looking for a job.

    The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

    The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota."

    Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.

    "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

    His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was
    locked up, the boss came down.

    "How many customers bought something from you today?

    The kid says "one".

    The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How
    much was the sale for?"

    The kid says "$121,237.65".

    The boss says "$121,237.65? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First,
    I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold
    him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him
    where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was
    going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a
    twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would
    pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x
    4 Expedition."

    The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT
    and a TRUCK?"

    The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I
    said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."


    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • lee.loo 13.06.06, 10:27
    Paweł Janas, Sven-Goran Eriksson i Juergen Klinsmann spotkali Boga.
    - Panie Boże - pyta Eriksson - czy Anglia kiedyś zdobędzie mistrzostwo świata?
    - Tak, Sven, ale nie za twojej kadencji - odpowiedział Bóg.
    - Boże, a czy Niemcy kiedyś zostaną mistrzami świata? - spytał Klinsmann.
    - Zostaną, ale nie za twojej kadencji, Juergen.
    Na to Paweł Janas: - Panie Boże, a czy Polska zdobędzie kiedyś mistrzostwo
    świata?
    A Pan Bóg: - Paweł, zdobędzie. Ale nie za mojej kadencji...

    Przylatują polscy piłkarze na lotnisko do Berlina i Janas mówi do pilota
    samolotu: - Nie gaście silników, zaraz wracamy...

    - Co robi kibic, gdy Polska zdobędzie mistrzostwo świata?
    Wyłącza Playstation i idzie spać.

    Wiecie, z kim spotkają się polscy piłkarze po fazie grupowej?
    Z kibicami na Okęciu!

    Dlaczego Jerzy Dudek nie został powołany do reprezentacji na mistrzostwa
    świata?
    Bo w ostatnich 50 meczach nie strzelił gola...

    Słowniczek polskiego kibica
    rasiakowy - 1. niekompetentny, podstawiony, załatwiony po znajomości; 2.
    drewniany, sztywny 3. jednonożny
    jopowy - szybki jak wiatr
    kuszczakować - zapomnieć gdzie się jest i co powinno się robić, odpoczywać,
    wagarować
    zgrywać Janasa - wykorzystywać i bezwzględnie zostawiać, obiecywać i robić coś
    zupełnie innego, faworyzować swoich ulubieńców, podejmować nieracjonalne
    decyzje
    frankowy trud - wykonanie ciężkiej pracy, za którą nie otrzyma się żadnej
    korzyści, wynagrodzenia
    szpakować, szaraczyć - mówić bez sensu, bez ładu logicznego, popełniać błędy w
    języku mówionym

  • basia313 21.06.06, 14:33
    DLa ulatwienia dodam, ze rasistka nie jestem, ale ten kawal bardzo mi sie
    podoba.
    Dlaczego Murzynki nosza duze torebki
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    ...zeby im sie pomadkiwmiescily
  • elioli 24.06.06, 23:30
    Na autokarze Polskiej Reprezentacji podczas mundialu widniał napis "Waleczni i
    niebezpieczni". Trwają poszukiwania nowego napisu na autokar!


    Oto propozycje:

    - Tragiczni ale komiczni.
    - My tylko przejazdem.
    - 280 koni i 24 osły.
    - Wystarczy duże białe ?L? na niebieskim tle.
    - Ktokolwiek widział, ktokolwiek wie (i zdjęcie Janasa)
    - Autobus turystyczny.
    - Walczyliśmy jak nigdy. Przegraliśmy jak zawsze.
    - Co się stało?
    - Ułomni ale skromni.
    - Jedziemy na Love Parade.
    - Ciulaci ale skrzydlaci.
    - Ukryci i przerażeni.
    - Uwaga niebezpieczeństwo!
    - Nie kopać leżących!
    - Prawie jak drużyna.
    - Szybcy i wściekli.
    - Kółko wędkarskie.
    - Nie strzelać, bo może dostać niewinny kierowca!
    - Polakom gratulujemy autobusu.
    - Tak sobie pokreśliłem i tak mi wyszło.
    - Którędy do wyjścia?
    - Latający cyrk Pawła Janasa.
    - Handel obwoźny - gipsowe krasnale.
    - Komu punkty, komu? Bo jedziem do domu.
    - Przewóz pracowników: Niemcy ===> Polska.
    - Wyjście awaryjne.
    - Nas nie dogoniat!
    - Nam strzelać nie kazano.
    - Szukamy pracy przy szparagach.
    - Poszukiwacze zaginionej bramki.
    - Lasy Państwowe sp. z o.o.
    - Obóz wędrowny.
    - Drużyna Actimela.
    - Mesjasze narodów.
    - To jest miejsce na Twoją reklamę.
    - Tylko nie po twarzy.
    - Pielgrzymka do Rzymu.
    - Titanic.
    - Aczkolwiek.
    - Zjazd do zajezdni.
    - Fundacja Jolanty Kwaśniewskiej 'Dzieci Niczyje'.
    - Powered by PZPN.
    - domowe przedszkole
    - jaki sponsor taka gra - TP SA
  • mgna 25.06.06, 23:09
    A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his
    first year medical students.

    Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to
    lighten the mood slightly.

    He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your
    asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

    She replied, "Golfing with his buddies."


    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 25.06.06, 23:10
    Rumsfeld is giving a report to the President and to the Cabinet........He
    says, "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq."

    The President says,"Oh,my God!" and he buries his head in his hands.

    The entire Cabinet is stunned. Usually George Bush shows no reaction
    whatsoever to these reports.

    Just then, Bush looks up and says, "How many is a Brazilian??"

    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 25.06.06, 23:14
    The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be the Man
    of Your House". He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.

    Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know
    that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a
    gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a
    sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me and we
    will have the kind of sex that I want.

    After that, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my
    back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and
    hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

    The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess!

    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 25.06.06, 23:16
    I recently chose a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive
    lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned
    about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be
    80?"

    He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?" "Oh no," I
    replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

    Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my
    other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

    "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking,
    motorcycling or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said.

    He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I
    said. "I don't do any of those things."

    He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit?"

    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 27.06.06, 21:32
    This gives a whole new meaning to "customer service" (be sure to listen to the
    actual conversation using the streaming box at the upper right of the page).

    www.nbc10.com/news/9406462/detail.html

    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 05.07.06, 20:53
    Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got
    called up to active duty one day. Boudreaux's first assignment was to a
    military induction center.

    Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new
    recruits about government benefits, especially GI insurance to which they were
    entitled.

    Before long, the officer in charge of the induction center began noticing that
    Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental
    form of GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these low-income
    recruits $30 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government
    was already providing at no charge.

    The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and
    observe Boudreaux's sales & pitch.

    Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you has
    da normal GI insurans an' you goes to Iraq an' gets youself killed, da
    governmen' pays you beneficiary $20,000. If you takes out da supplemental
    insurans, which cost you only t'irty dollars a mons, den da the governmen' gots
    ta pay you beneficiary $200,000!"

    "Now," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Iraq first?"

    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • elioli 14.07.06, 15:25
    O PIEKLE

    Poniżej jedno z pytań, które pojawiło się na egzaminie na
    wydziale chemii NUI Maynooth (National University of Ireland).
    Odpowiedź jednego ze studentów była na tyle wyjątkowa, że
    profesor podzielił się z nią ze swoimi kolegami, a później jej
    treść przedstawił w internecie.

    Pytanie:

    Czy piekło jest egzotermalne (oddaje ciepło) czy endotermalne
    (absorbuje ciepło)? Większość odpowiedzi oparta była na prawie
    Boylesa, które mówi, że w stałej temperaturze objętość danej masy
    gazu jest odwrotnie proporcjonalna do jego ciśnienia.

    Jeden ze studentów napisał tak:

    Najpierw musimy stwierdzić, jak zmienia się masa piekła w czasie.
    Do tego potrzebna jest ocena liczby dusz, które idą do piekła
    i liczba dusz, która piekło opuszcza. Moim zdaniem można ze sporym
    prawdopodobieństwem przyjąć, że dusze, które raz trafiły do
    piekła, nigdy go nie opuszczają. Na pytanie, ile dusz idzie do
    piekła, można spojrzeć z punktu widzenia wielu istniejących
    dzisiaj religii. Większość z nich zakłada, że do piekła idzie się
    wtedy, gdy nie wyznaje się tej właściwej wiary. Ponieważ religii
    jest więcej niż jedna i nie można wyznawać kilku religii
    jednocześnie, to można założyć, że wszystkie dusze idą do piekła.
    Patrząc na częstotliwość narodzin i śmierci można założyć, że
    liczba dusz w piekle wzrastać będzie logarytmicznie. Rozważmy
    więc pytanie o zmieniającej się objętości piekła. Ponieważ wg
    prawa Boylesa wraz ze wzrostem liczby dusz rozszerzać musi się
    powierzchnia piekła tak, aby temperatura i ciśnienie w piekle
    pozostaly stałe, to istnieją dwie możliwości:
    1. Jeśli piekło rozszerza się wolniej niż liczba przychodzących do
    niego dusz, to temperatura i ciśnienie w piekle będą tak dlugo rosły
    aż piekło się rozpadnie.
    2. Jeśli piekło rozszerza się szybciej niż liczba przychodzących
    tam dusz, to temperatura i ciśnienie w piekle będą spadać tak
    długo, aż piekło zamarznie.

    Która z tych możliwości jest bardziej realna? Jeśli weźmiemy pod
    uwagę przepowiednię Sandry, która powiedziała do mnie "prędzej
    piekło zamarznie niż się z tobą prześpię", jak również to, że
    wczoraj z nią spałem, to możliwa jest tylko ta druga opcja.
    Dlatego też jestem przekonany, że piekło jest endotermalne i musi
    być już zamarznięte. Z uwagi na to, że piekło zamarzło, można
    wnioskować, że żadna kolejna dusza nie może trafić do piekła, a
    ponieważ pozostaje jeszcze tylko niebo, to dowodzi też istnienie
    Osoby Boskiej, co z kolei tlumaczy, dlaczego Sandra cały
    wczorajszy wieczór krzyczała "Oh, God".

    Ten student otrzymał ocenę "bardzo dobry".
  • mgna 18.07.06, 00:35
    An extremely unattractive, scowling, rude woman walks into Wal-Mart with her
    two kids.

    The Wal-Mart Greeter does his thing and then asks, "Are they twins?"

    The woman answers "No Jackass, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one,
    she's 7. Why?........ Do you really think they look alike, you idiot?"

    "No," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe you got laid more than once."

    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 23.07.06, 22:30
    An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs
    desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag
    "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked
    sarcastically.

    The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

    "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

    The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

    "Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"

    The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly
    explained "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help
    liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 05.08.06, 23:59
    In a recent interview, General Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he thought
    there was room for forgiveness toward Hizbollah.

    The General said, " I believe that forgiving Hizbollah is God's function. The
    Israeli's job is to arrange the meeting ."

    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • mgna 06.08.06, 00:00
    I have a Labrador retriever, and was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart
    and was in line to check out.

    The woman behind me asked if I had a dog. (Duh!)

    On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again. Although I
    probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time. But I'd
    lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming
    out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is
    to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every
    time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try
    it again.

    I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled
    with my story, particularly a tall guy who was standing behind her.

    Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
    poisoned me.

    I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

    I thought the guy standing behind her was going to have to have help as he fell
    on the floor laughing.

    --
    Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.
    Hermann Hesse.
  • benala 11.10.06, 00:56
    dzieki effato za ten link, siedze i sikam ze smiechu.
    A potrzeba mi bo wlasnie obejrzalam Magde M (jedyny serial ktory uwielbiam).
    pozdr J
  • bylemwanglii 17.10.06, 08:12
    A woman enroled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of
    the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a
    bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm.

    "Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids ..."

    --
    Smerf Mądrala
    One good turn deserves another
  • bylemwanglii 17.10.06, 08:17
    How do men sort their laundry?

    "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".





    --
    Smerf Mądrala
    One good turn deserves another
  • bylemwanglii 18.10.06, 12:03
    A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom
    door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror,
    on my door, make my bustline forty four".

    Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous
    proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in
    minutes they both return.

    This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door,
    make my penis touch the floor!".

    Again, there's a bright flash ... and then his legs fall off!

    --
    Smerf Mądrala
    One good turn deserves another
  • bylemwanglii 26.10.06, 08:27
    Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across
    a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take a bath. So she
    tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake. The
    Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath too.

    Snow White relents and says "When I get into the water and you hear the splash,
    you can turn around." Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into the
    water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps into the water
    before she can. The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around and see
    Snow White standing NAKED.

    Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, what product is being
    advertised?

    That's easy ... Seven-Up!
    --
    Smerf Mądrala
    One good turn deserves another

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