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Men strike back!

16.02.05, 20:07
How many men does it take to open a beer?**
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------**
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?**
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------**
Why do women have smaller feet than men?**
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.**
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?**
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------**
How do you fix a woman's watch?**
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------**
Why do men fart more than women?**
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------**
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?**
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------**
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?**
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------**
I married a Miss Right.**
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------**
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.**
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------**
Why do men die before their wives?**
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------**
Women will never be equal to men** until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.**
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.**
-------------------------------------------------------------------*
*Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and
to the select few women who can handle the truth !*

--
Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I
have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common
sense. Budda
Obserwuj wątek
    • fibin A blonde again:) 16.02.05, 20:09
      A blonde calls her boyfriend and says,"Please come over here and help
      me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
      started."
      Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
      The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a
      rooster."

      Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets
      him
      in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
      He
      studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
      her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to
      be
      able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He
      takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a
      nice cup of tea, and then....." he said with a deep sigh"............
      Let's first put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."

      --
      Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I
      have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.
      Budda
        • fibin Re: Men strike back! 17.02.05, 09:29
          Hi:)

          I am unfortunately still married and I must admit that that Wedding Cake rule
          fully applies to my wife. Except for that 90 percent though. It's a full
          hundred:(

          --
          Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I
          have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.
          Budda
          • kociamama Re: Men strike back! 19.02.05, 09:38
            Soooo, that's the reason why you spread malicious, stereotypical jokes about
            women. Get yourself a dummy from the sexshop and you'll be half that mean
            towards the opposite sex, and half that prone to sweeping overgeneralizations.

            Kisses,
            Kociamama.
            • fibin Re: Men strike back! 19.02.05, 10:24
              Many thanks for kisses and pretty good piece of advice:)

              I personally think that women are much wiser, stronger and better than men but
              obviously the rest of the men don't:)

              --
              Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I
              have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.
              Budda
              • kociamama Re: Men strike back! 19.02.05, 12:14
                I personally think that women are much wiser, stronger and better than men but
                > obviously the rest of the men don't:)

                Hmm, why use flattery? WHy establish any hierarchy of those better, wiser,
                stroneger, and those worse, less clever, and weaker...
                BUt actually, according to the statistics women are supposed to do slightly
                better in iq tests, which might suggest our slightly higher intelligence (on
                average of course). I don;t know how it compares to being wiser and better, tho.

                As for being stronger, research shows that women are more likely to endure
                longer when exposed to physical effort and pain. So if you're talking about
                this sort of strengh you might be right, while other men, who refuse to accept
                these facts are not;)

                Kisses,
                KOciamama.
                • fibin Re: Men strike back! 19.02.05, 16:27
                  Why do women always think that it's flattery when I say so? It's not flattery
                  at all, it's just what I know and think about women:)

                  Unfortunately I have had very bad life experiences with women so unavoidably I
                  sound a little bit bitter nowadays, but I'll work on it I promise:)

                  Some bad men say that we s***w women in bed and women s***w us in life:(

                  cheeers,
                  --
                  Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I
                  have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.
                  Budda
    • fibin Winnie the...:) 17.02.05, 09:23
      It was the first day back at school after summer vacation for the class of
      seven year olds, the teacher asked them what they did while away from school.
      Mary shouted out "Please Miss, I went out with Mummy and Daddy and we saw some
      moo-moos." The teacher interrupted Mary and told her that she is a seven year
      old now and should not be using "baby words like moo-moo." Just then, Peter
      blurted out "Please Miss, I went to stay with my uncle on his farm, he has lots
      of baa-baas." Teacher interrupted again to scold Peter about using childish
      language, and asked little Johnny what he did. "Well Miss," said Johnny, "I
      read a book." "Very grown-up" commented the teacher, "And what was the book
      called?" "Ehm... Winnie the shit", answered Johnny.

      --
      Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I
      have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.
      Budda
      • Gość: lilka Re: Winnie the...:) IP: *.bchsia.telus.net 17.02.05, 23:32
        :)))))))
        Thanks for the jokes, keep sending them, please.
        Sorry to hear about your wife and the Wedding cake rule.
        However...there are other rules:
        "it takes two to tango"
        or
        "no matter how hard you try to flatten a pancake, it will always have two sides..."
        Try to do something to defy the Wedding Cake rule somehow...
        • fibin Re: Winnie the...:) 18.02.05, 10:44
          You are right, but I have already tried everything I guess and now it's high
          time to give up:)

          I have already posted a lot of jokes here (some of them were removed by caring
          Maggie), just find them and have a good time:)

          I do appreciate people with a sense of humour, and especially beautiful women I
          must truly admit;)

          --
          Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I
          have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.
          Budda
          • kociamama Re: Winnie the...:) 19.02.05, 09:43
            Why don't you send some jokes about yourself, or men in general, to prove how
            well yuo can laugh at yourself?
            It's easy to make "brilliant" critical "funny" remarks about other people, but
            I guess that's the ability to laugh at oneself that implies one having a sense
            of humor.

            Later,
            Kociamama.
            • fibin Re: Winnie the...:) 19.02.05, 10:12
              Sorry Kitty but it's pretty difficult to find something that would satisfy you:)

              I promise I'll keep trying though:)

              --
              Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I
              have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.
              Budda
                • fibin Re: Winnie the...:) 19.02.05, 16:49
                  So you are pretty different from all the women I happen to know:(

                  Except for my mother and daughter, on second thoughts and to be honest:)

                  Would you mind if I called you Kitty. It's so sweet, isn't it?

                  --
                  Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I
                  have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.
                  Budda
          • nasza_maggie Re: Winnie the...:) 19.02.05, 13:57

            As I said before. I DO have a sense of humor:)
            I don't mind the jokes as long as you don't swear in them or try using *
            between the letters of offensive words. I know that's difficult when you ctrl+v
            the jokes (!).
            I also mentioned that you should try keeping your jokes to one post instead of
            posting new messages. It is also not that difficult to find your old messages
            on the forum.
            It really is very simple.

            rgds
            Maggie:)
            • fibin Re: Winnie the...:) 19.02.05, 16:43
              I am sure you do have a sense of humour, all women do:)

              I do my best to avoid really offensive jokes, you may believe me;)

              I obviously missed your previous post with your valuable tips, I am sorry, I
              promise to behave in the future:)

              As you see some things may be not so simple for tiny man's brain as it is for
              woman's one;)

              And some wise scientist (women?) say that all men just keep thinking of only
              one thing (3 letters word if you would like to try and guess) almost all the
              time long, so there's no much time left for the rest of the world I am afraid:)

              --
              Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I
              have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.
              Budda
    • fibin wife and business 18.02.05, 10:37
      A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a
      beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT!" exclaims the guy. The
      barman replies, "Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could
      I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried
      egg?" "Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real
      money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies. "FOUR
      cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman
      replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your
      wife?" The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."

      --
      Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I
      have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.
      Budda
    • fibin Women will always be women:) 19.02.05, 08:05
      God said, "Go down into that valley." And Adam said, "What's a valley?" and God
      explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river" And Adam said "What's a
      river?" and God explained it to him. And then God said, "Go over the hill." And
      Adam said, "What's a hill?" and God explained it to him. Then God told
      Adam, "On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave." And Adam
      said, "What's a cave?" And God explained that to him. "In the cave you will
      find a woman." And Adam said, "What's a woman?" So God explained that to him,
      and said, "I want you to reproduce." And Adam said, "How do I do that?" So God
      explained it to him. So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river,
      and over the hill, and into the cave, and found the woman, and in about five
      minutes he was back. God said angrily, "What is it now?" And Adam said, "What's
      a headache?"

      --
      Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I
      have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.
      Budda
    • fibin Re: Men strike back! 19.02.05, 10:08
      Reasons To Be Single

      Cooking my own meals would be an adventure, not a punishment.

      I wouldn't have to explain why I'm wearing "that" shirt with "those" pants.

      I could leave the toilet seat in any position I damn well please.

      I could actually tell the bartender, "If anyone calls, I'm here".

      I'd be painting the town instead of the house.

      When I get home after work, I don't have to start work again.

      I could show my girlfriend where I live.

      I'd be driving a miniskirt instead of a minivan.

      The only weeds I'd be concerned with are the ones I'm rolling.

      I would have saved $372,416.21 in groceries by now.

      I wouldn't catch so much grief about those skid-marks in my underwear!

      I'd get to see what my paycheck looks like.

      I'd get to see what my credit cards look like.

      You can see a different face when you wake up in the morning, every day of the
      week!

      Going to a strip club doesn't have to be a covert mission.

      Bachelors don't have Mother-in-laws.

      I wouldn't have to watch sub-titled French films.

      I could get home drunk to sleep, instead of under a bridge.

      I could use my own name at hotels.

      I wouldn't have a driving instructor grading me every time I go somewhere.

      When asked his opinion, a single guy can say "Hell yes, you're fat!".

      --
      Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I
      have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.
      Budda
    • fibin Re: Men strike back! 19.02.05, 10:15
      He Said, She Said

      Whenever a man has something to say, you can be sure a woman always has to have
      her say in the end...

      He said... Want a quickie?
      She said... As opposed to what?

      He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
      She said... You wear briefs, don't you?

      He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
      She said... Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

      He said... This coffee isn't fit for a pig!
      She said... No problem, I'll get you some that is.

      She said... What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
      He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

      He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in
      the worst way.
      She said... Well, you succeeded.

      Priest... I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.
      She said... Who's gonna look?

      He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever
      been mistaken for a man?
      She said... No, have you?

      He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with
      your brains?
      She said... Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is
      blind.

      He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
      She said... Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

      He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
      She said... I would, but you're never there.

      He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you
      really badly.
      She said... Well, you succeeded.

      He said... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
      She said... That's a good idea... You stand by the ironing board, while I sit
      on the sofa and fart.

      He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
      She said... Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard.

      --
      Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I
      have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.
      Budda
    • fibin Oxymorons 19.02.05, 10:19

      Act naturally

      Happily married

      Microsoft Works

      Holy war

      Found missing

      Resident alien

      Minor Catastrophe

      Affordable housing

      Near miss

      Great depression

      Canadian army

      Phone sex

      United nations

      Advanced BASIC

      Genuine imitation

      Death benefits

      Airline Food

      Women's rights

      Good grief

      Same difference

      Almost exactly

      Sensitive man

      Government organization

      Everything except

      Civil War

      Good kid

      Sanitary landfill

      Alone together

      Legally drunk

      Silent scream

      British fashion

      Living dead

      Small crowd

      Business ethics

      Soft rock

      Butt Head

      Military Intelligence

      Software documentation

      New York culture

      New classic

      Sweet sorrow

      Childproof

      "Now, then"

      Synthetic natural gas

      Christian Scientists

      Passive aggressive

      Taped live

      Clearly misunderstood

      Peace force

      Extinct Life

      Temporary tax increase

      New and improved

      Computer jock

      Plastic glasses

      Terribly pleased

      Computer security

      Political science

      Tight slacks

      Definite maybe

      Pretty ugly

      Twelve-ounce pound cake

      Diet ice cream

      Rap music

      Working vacation

      Exact estimate

      Religious tolerance

      Freezer Burn

      Honest Politician

      Jumbo Shrimp

      Loners Club

      Postal Service

      --
      Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I
      have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.
      Budda
    • fibin Centipede Woe 19.02.05, 19:33
      A single man wanted someone to help him with the household chores, so he
      decided to get a pet to help out. He went to the local pet shop and asks the
      owner for advice on a suitable animal. The owner suggested a dog, but the man
      said, "Nah, dogs can't do dishes."

      The owner then suggested a cat, but the man said, "Nah, cats can't do the
      ironing" Finally the owner suggests a centipede, "This is the perfect pet for
      you. It can do anything!" OK, the man thought, I'll give it a try, so he bought
      it and took it home. Once home he told the centipede to wash the dishes. The
      centipede looks over and there are piles and piles of dirty dishes that look to
      be a month old.

      Five minutes later, all the pots are washed, dried and put away. Great, thought
      the man. Now he told the centipede to do the dusting and vacuuming. 15 minutes
      later the house is spotless. Wow, thought the man, so he decided to try another
      idea. "Go down to the corner and get me the evening paper," he told the
      centipede, and off it went.

      15 minutes later, the centipede hadn't returned. 30 minutes later and still no
      centipede. 45 minutes and the man was sick of waiting, so he got up and went
      out to look for the centipede.

      As he opened the front door, there on the step was the centipede. "Hey,
      whatcha' doing there? I sent you out for the paper 45 minutes ago and now I
      find you out here without the paper! What gives?"

      "Hold on a minute!" said the centipede, "I'm still putting on my freakin
      boots!!!"

      --
      Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I
      have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.
      Budda
    • fibin Only 6 Months 19.02.05, 19:36
      The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only
      6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a
      recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in
      order" , make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were
      in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left
      of his life, to the fullest.

      "What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.

      His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live
      with my Mother-in-law".

      Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you
      want to live with your Mother-in-law?"

      "Because it'll be the longest six months of my Life!"

      --
      Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I
      have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.
      Budda
    • fibin French Passport 19.02.05, 19:38

      --An elder American absent mindedly arrived at French customs at Paris airport
      and fumbled for his passport. "You have been to France before Sir?", the
      customs officer asked sarcastically.

      The ancient Yank admitted that he had been to France before.

      "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready for inspection",
      snapped the official.

      The American said that the last time he came to France he did not have to show
      his passport.

      "Impossible, old man. You Americans always have to show your passports when
      arriving in France."

      The old American gave the Frenchman a long hard look.

      "I assure you, young man, that when I came ashore on Omaha Beach in Normandy on
      D Day in 1944, there was no Frenchman on the beach asking to see my passport!"



      Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I
      have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.
      Budda
      • fibin Barbies 19.02.05, 19:43
        One day a fella was driving home when he suddenly realised that it was his
        daughter's birthday and *shock* he hadn't bought her anything. Out of the
        corner of his eye he notices a shopping mall. Knowing that it was 'now or
        never', he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay
        and runs into the mall.

        After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the
        attention of the shop assistant. When asked what he'd like, he simply says: "a
        Barbie Doll".

        The shop assistant looks at him in a condescending manner and asks, "So Sir,
        which Barbie would that be?"

        The man looks surprised so the assistant continues, "We have Barbie Goes To the
        Ball at $19.99, Barbie goes Shopping at $19.99, Barbie goes Clubbing at $19.99,
        Barbie Goes To The Gym at $19.99, Cyber Barbie at $19.99 and Divorced Barbie at
        $249.99."

        The man can't help himself and asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $249.99 when all
        those other Barbies are selling for $19.99???"

        "Well Sir, that's quite obvious!" says the assistant, "Divorced Barbie comes
        with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture .... "

        --
        Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I
        have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.
        Budda
        • fibin Toughest Shot 19.02.05, 19:47
          A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed like an eternity. Looking up,
          looking down, measuring the distance, figuring just the right wind direction
          and speed. Driving his partner absolutely nuts.

          Finally, his exasperated partner say, "Why are you taking so long? Just hit the
          blasted Ball!!!"

          The guy answers, "Look, my wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I
          want to make this a perfect shot."

          "Ah, forget it man, you're never gonna hit her from here..."

          --
          Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I
          have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.
          Budda
        • fibin two letters 19.02.05, 19:49
          Dear Daddy,

          Univer$ity i$ really great. I'm making lot$ of
          friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I
          $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would
          like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear
          from you.

          Love,
          Your $on.


          .....


          Dear Son,

          I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy
          are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt
          forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task,
          and you can never study eNOugh.

          Love,
          Dad

          --
          Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I
          have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.
          Budda
    • fibin Honeymoon 21.02.05, 19:01
      On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive virgin bride slipped
      into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into
      bed, only to find that her new Christian husband had settled down on
      the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make
      love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent!" Almost in tears, she
      remarked, "Well,...that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever
      heard!" "To whom did you lend it, and for how long?"

      --
      Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I
      have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.
      Budda
      • fibin means of communication: 21.02.05, 19:03
        Three fastest means of communication:

        > 1. Telephone

        > 2. Television

        > 3. Tell-a-woman

        --
        Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I
        have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.
        Budda
      • fibin a small fuse 21.02.05, 19:04
        A man admiring his naked body in the mirror says to his wife: "Look at

        that, 75 kg of pure dynamite".

        The wife replies: "Shame about the 2 inch fuse".

        --
        Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I
        have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.
        Budda
      • fibin a wife and a private swimming pool 21.02.05, 19:05
        Question: What do a wife and a private swimming pool have in common?

        Answer: The cost of maintenance is too high compared to the time
        you spend inside them!

        --
        Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I
        have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.
        Budda
    • fibin Typewriter 22.02.05, 09:20
      A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate
      that they wanted to have s*x without letting their children in
      on it. They decided on the word Typewriter. One day the husband
      told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy
      needs to type a letter"
      The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom
      responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right
      now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went
      back to tell her father what mommy said.
      A few days later the mom told the daughter,"Tell daddy that he can
      type that letter now." The child told her father, returned to her
      mother and announced,
      "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already
      wrote the letter by hand."

      --
      Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I
      have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.
      Budda

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