russh
15.11.05, 15:38
Just read this on a UK forum. It is brilliant!
Nelson: Order the signal, Hardy
Hardy: Aye sir
Nelson: Hold on that's not what I dictated to the signal officer; What's the
meaning of this?
Hardy: Sorry Sir, what's amiss?
Nelson: England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race,
gender, sexual orientation, religion or disability.What gobbledygook is this?
Hardy: Admiralty policy, I'm afraid sir. We're an equal opportunities employer
now. We had the devil's own job getting England past the censors, lest it be
considered racist.
Nelson: Gadzooks. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.
Hardy: Sorry Sir. All naval vessels have been designated smokefree working
environments.
Nelson: In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace
to steel the men before battle.
Hardy: The rum ration has been abolished. Its part of the Governments policy
on binge drinking.
Nelson: Good heavens Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed
ahead then.
Hardy: I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch
of water, don't want to get a ticket Sir.
Nelson: Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history.
We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please.
Hardy: That won't be possible, sir.
Nelson: What?
Hardy: Health and safety have closed the crows’ nest sir. They said that the
rope ladder doesn’t meet regulations. They wont let anyone up there until
proper scaffolding can be erected.
Nelson: Then get the ships carpenter without delay.
Hardy: He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the focsle Admiral.
Nelson: Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd.
Hardy: Health and safety again sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled.
Nelson: Differently abled? I've only got one arm and one gammy eye and I
refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral
by playing the disability card.
Hardy: Actually sir you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas
of visual impairment and limb deficiency; you've been recruited through a
process of positive discrimination.
Nelson: Whatever next? Give me full sail, the salt spray beckons!
Hardy: A couple of problems there too Sir. Health and Safety won't allow the
crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don’t want anyone breathing in
too much salt – haven’t you seen the adverts?
Nelson: I've never heard such infamy! Break out the cannon and tell the Men to
standby to engage the enemy.
Hardy: The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone Admiral - their
Union isn't too happy about it either.
Nelson: What? This is mutiny.
Hardy: It's not that Sir. It’s just that they’re afraid of being charged with
murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers
on board watching everyone like hawks.
Nelson: Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?
Hardy: Actually sir, we're not.
Nelson: We're not?
Hardy: No sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now.
According to the Common Fisheries Policy we shouldn’t even be in this stretch
of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.
Nelson: But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.
Hardy: I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that
sir. You'll be up on disciplinary.
Nelson: You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.
Hardy: Not any more sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now
put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life
Nelson: Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy
and the lash?
Hardy: As I explained Sir, rum is off the menu and there’s a ban on corporal
punishment.
Nelson: What about sodomy?
Hardy: I believe that is now legal sir.
Nelson: Well in that case... kiss me Hardy