What would you do if...

05.03.06, 23:06
...your daughter had a Muslim boyfriend?

She's 21, in her last year at uni, renting a flat in London with two other
girls who btw are wary of him as they can't see the sense of her being in
this relationship in the long term + he has been a bit rude to them. Daughter
seems besotted. I have not met him yet but can't dodge it forever.
Any words of wisdom?

    • russh Re: What would you do if... 05.03.06, 23:18
      We all know that we can't force the situation - she's too old for that (if there
      is an age nowadays for 'forcing'). In any case, my experience is that she will
      know herself whether there is a future for the two of them or not. I doubt if
      she will easily accept what seems to be the role of women in the Muslim world.

      You need, I think, to meet him and judge for yourself - it may be that he is one
      of the 'nice ones'. In any case, hope that it will be a short lived thing, as I
      believe, like Dave (I think) that it is very difficult for this particular mix
      to work.

      I wish you and your daughter the very best of luck.
      • usenetposts Re: What would you do if... 05.03.06, 23:26
        Russh wrote

        > In any case, hope that it will be a short lived thing, as I
        > believe, like Dave (I think) that it is very difficult for this particular mix
        > to work.

        You're absolutely right. It's a nightmare, and I am sorry to hear about it.
        Give me a black African as "black as the ace of spades", as the hackneyed
        phrase goes, but Christian, as a son in law, and I would infinitely prefer that
        to being tied in with Muslims, even if it were a Saudi prince with a ton of
        money and skin barely darker than mine is in the summer.
        • ms.jones Re: What would you do if... 05.03.06, 23:41
          Thanks guys. I totally agree with you. I've just read the reviews of the book;
          the story sends a chill down my spine. The trouble with strong-minded girls is
          that if you try to sway them, they are all the more likely to dig their heels
          in. I would love to give the boy the third degree but it could so easily
          backfire on me.

          • usenetposts Re: What would you do if... 05.03.06, 23:51
            > Thanks guys. I totally agree with you. I've just read the reviews of the
            book;
            > the story sends a chill down my spine. The trouble with strong-minded girls
            is
            > that if you try to sway them, they are all the more likely to dig their heels
            > in. I would love to give the boy the third degree but it could so easily
            > backfire on me.

            You are right, but don't underestimate the power of prayer in these cases.
            • ms.jones Re: What would you do if... 06.03.06, 00:04
              No, I wouldn't. Prayers, like love, come in many shapes and do us good.
    • usenetposts Re: What would you do if... 05.03.06, 23:20
      Yes. Get her to read

      tinyurl.com/mths8
      Betty Mahmoody's book - of which I only I must admit read a digest and not the
      full account - is a cautionary tale of what the downside of Christian-Muslim
      marriage can be like.

      There is a joke that the Jews tell - I saw this on a Jewish website, well maybe
      they don't all tell it, the website I found it on may have been fairly
      orthodox:

      "Q: If your kids marry a goy, what do you call the grandchildren?
      A: Christians."


      I think when we are foolish enough to marry Muslims, we can tell that joke with
      ourselves on the receiving end.

      The detailed things you need to know are in Betty Mahmoudi's bestselling book.

      It's very important that she doesn't say the Shehadet amongst Muslims - that is
      the statement that there would be no God but Allah and that Mohammed (PBUH)
      would be his prophet. If you say this, then as far as they are concerned you
      are initiated. If you then recant, they would feel inclined to discipline or
      punish you in a way that a person would not be if they never "converted" to
      Islam (by saying the Shehadet) in the first place.

      The Islamic family model is such that she will be expected to tow the line, but
      you can be sure that this small print is not drawn attention to in the wooing
      period. They are notorious at being charming until you are in their system.

      I will pray for her.
    • bartis_ervin Re: What would you do if... 06.03.06, 08:07

      I have a Finnish friend who used to have an Azeri boyfriend. Things went well
      until they were on neutral grounds. The problem started when she moved for a
      couple of months to Azerbaijan. She found it extremely hard to be all days
      inside, while he was at univ.

      When they moved to Finland, it took a couple of months until they broke up. Both
      sides had their fair share of guilt, but the point is that he had problems in
      taking that she was extremely independent.
      It is important to say that he was more than a moderate Muslim, very easy going,
      even drinking alcohol.

      She is the same age as your daughter and she was extremely in love and they were
      even engaged.

      If I were you I wouldn't intervene. It is easy to say this, but I imagine how
      hard it is to do it. My parents managed to do this: when they met Ania for the
      first time, we got engaged; when they met her for the third time, we told them
      that we are getting married. They were surprised and I can imagine that very
      scared too, but they trusted me. I hope that I will be able to do the same with
      our kids.

      If I were you, I would intervene and talk with her very seriously, only if they
      want to move to a Muslim country.

      Ervin

      Thebartiski.blogspot.com
    • kylie1 Re: What would you do if... 07.03.06, 00:17
      Hi Hannah,

      I thought I would also leave you a little advice from someone who's been there.
      I feel for you and I understand your fears. To a point though.
      I would like to make two points here:

      when it comes to girls feelings for a guy, my husband and I were the last
      people on earth that our daughter would listen to. It went in one ear and out
      the other. Maybe your daughter is willing to listen to you guys but we lost
      that battle a long time ago. It's a long story and it all happened when she was
      only 16 years old...an honor roll student, top in her dance class, everything
      was going honkey dory for her. Before we knew it, she moved out with a guy we
      did not approve of. We still don't. I won't go into details. She is still with
      him, she is still top student in her school ( not to mention her class) and
      doing very well. He is 6 years her senior (grrrrr...growl). I know what you
      think...what the heck is wrong with you people. Well, nothing really. Once a
      kid turns 14 in Canada and decides to live on its own, that's it. Police will
      only intervene if there is suspicion of abuse, drugs or other illegal
      activities. So that didn't help either.
      Now, that might not be the case with your daughter but we know for a fact, that
      it didn't matter squat what we thought of the guy. Perhaps your girl is ready
      to take your advice more willingly.
      There is hoping that this relationship will last but time will show.
      Second point I wanted to make is about mixed marriages. Just because this young
      man is a Muslim does not mean he is a suicide bomber just waiting around to
      blow people up. We have many mixed marriages in Canada. Many of those Muslim
      boys went through Canadian schools and they seem to be well adapted and
      integrated into our society. Those kids are like any other "kids". They go out
      and party, they have fun and MOST of them are not the hard core Muslims we
      think they are. One of our closer friends has a Muslim GP married to a woman
      from Scotland. They have 3 kids and thriving. Many Muslims in Canada hold
      degrees and are extremely intelligent people. I am sure your daughter is smart
      enough to tell the difference between an orthodox Muslim and
      a "modernized"/"westernized" one. I wouldn't judge anyone until I get to know
      them better!
      Hannah, if these two truly love each other, they can work things out. Perhaps
      it is somehow a British thing, but this is fairly common in Canada. Nobody will
      raise an eye brow at stuff like this any more. Love is love.

      all the best!!
      smile
    • ejmarkow Re: What would you do if... 07.03.06, 10:18
      Ms. Jones,

      I recommend you speak to your daughter about her relationship with an open
      mind, face to face. Have a productive mother to daughter conversation with her
      and ask her many questions about love, inter-religious issues, etc. For
      example, is it a relationship of love, friendship, or other? If possible, try
      to arrange a meeting or dinner with the three of you. Do this several times.
      Ask her if he is a man that she would consider marrying, spending the rest of
      her life with. Inter-religious marriages and relationships could and do work,
      and in other cases, don't work. She must keep that in mind and carefully assess
      her situation. If you do meet him several times and conclude he is a good
      person, then you must respect her decision about loving him. Again, open
      dialogue between the three of you is an excellent first step in resolving any
      unknown issues.

      Eugene


    • ms.jones Re: What would you do if... 09.03.06, 21:09
      You all are a collective fountain of wisdom, thank you for all your responses smile

      I went to a meeting with a Muslim speaker today and asked her privately what
      the position was on mixed relationships. She was very honest and said that her
      son put her in a difficult situation once by going out with an English
      girlfriend. She thought and prayed about it and told her son she would not be
      able to accept him if he married the girl. She wouldd actually be prepared to
      reject her son for living with someone who does not share her faith. Not to
      dilute the faith...

      Having spoken to my daughter last night I am in no doubt that she is serious
      about the guy. He was upfront about not being able to introduce her to his
      parents and she accepts it. Now, let's put two and two together.

      I feel I should meet him but I can't say I really can welcome him. I need more
      time to think about it. They are both young, experiencing and learning about
      relationships. A learning curve for me as well. I'll leave this topic there.
      Thanks again for your responses.
      • kylie1 Re: What would you do if... 09.03.06, 23:20
        Wish you all the best, Hannah!

        smile
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