Subject: A letter from the Tax Office

IP: *.aipo.gov.au / 202.125.0.* 30.09.04, 10:03
Dear Mr Addison,
I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to
our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I
will address them, as ever, in order.
Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging
letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand".
This is how we, at the Australian Tax Office have always, for reasons of
accuracy; traditionally referred to such documents. Secondly, your
frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and
panhandling vomited daily into your letterbox " has been noted. However,
whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would
cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate
banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision
to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little
ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the
senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that,
a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Australia, with
a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.
Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in
your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted,
toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary
calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any
way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The
estimates you provide for the Treasurer's disbursement of the funds levied by
taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less
than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles"
and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated
to, for example, "that box-ticking façade of a university system."
A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:
1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do
with the vagaries of the postal system;
2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with
nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if
the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical
logistics involved would make it financially unviable.
I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish
to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that
even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in
Afghanistan" you would still owe us the money. Please forward it by Friday.
Yours Sincerely,
H J Lee
Customer Relations
    • deadeasy similar one (warning: very long) 30.09.04, 14:32
      nice one!
      Here below is a very, very old letter, something similar to yours. However, be
      warned, it is rather long.
      ___________________
      NTL Complaint
      This a copy of a complaint letter that was actually received by NTL.

      Dear Cretins,

      I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-
      one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month
      period I have encountered inadequacy of service, which I had not previously
      considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic
      proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can
      either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these
      difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some
      entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and
      drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

      My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in
      my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat ar*e waiting for your
      technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57
      minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying
      Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... how? I
      alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testi*les for a
      few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly
      adept.

      The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the
      technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit,
      and his cerebrum.

      Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further
      telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived ...
      a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I
      estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%... these are
      usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of
      the useful periods over the weekend.

      I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls
      on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully
      transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also
      highly skilled bollock jugglers.

      I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call
      me back), that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back),
      that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line
      is available (and then been cut off), that I will be transferred to someone who
      knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to
      an answer machine informing me that your office is closed), that I will be
      transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available
      (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman.... and
      several other variations on this theme.
      Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
      thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those
      crucially important testicle-moments to attend to.

      Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my
      frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive
      me, therefore, if I continue.

      I thought BT were sh*t, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful
      customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested,
      less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers.
      That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?

      How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable
      dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly
      are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the
      highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant
      beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
      inadequacy.

      Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to
      receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease
      any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which
      you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such
      activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these
      feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure
      of bemused rage.

      I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter
      tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you, and your
      pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during
      transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel
      considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and
      delicate texture.

      Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's
      worthless employees.

      Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
      irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

      Yours psychotically

      John Doe [name changed to protect the author]
Pełna wersja