Surgeons

27.10.05, 06:53
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table,
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those
guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and
when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no
balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.
    • kylie1 Re: Surgeons 27.10.05, 07:10
      very good!

      :)
      • fibin Love, Lust Or Marriage 29.10.05, 08:14
        How do you know if you're in love, lust, or marriage?

        LOVE when your eyes meet across a crowded room
        LUST when your tongues meet across a crowded room
        MARRIAGE when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care

        LOVE when intercourse is called making love
        LUST all other times
        MARRIAGE what's intercourse?

        LOVE when you argue over how many children to have
        LUST When you argue over who gets the wet spot
        MARRIAGE when you argue over money

        LOVE when you share everything you own
        LUST when you think twice about giving your partner bus money
        MARRIAGE when the bank owns everything

        LOVE when it doesn't matter if you don't climax
        LUST when the relationship is over if you don't climax
        MARRIAGE what's a climax?

        LOVE when you phone each other just to say "Hi"
        LUST when you phone each other just to organize sex
        MARRIAGE when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts

        LOVE when you write poems about your partner
        LUST when all you write is your phone number
        MARRIAGE when all you write are check's

        LOVE when you show concern for your partners' feelings
        LUST when you couldn't give a rip
        MARRIAGE when your only concern is what's on TV

        LOVE when your farewell is "I love you darling"
        LUST when your farewell is "So, same time next week?"
        MARRIAGE when your farewell is silent

        LOVE when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner
        LUST when you only ever see each other in the bedroom
        MARRIAGE when you never see each other awake

        LOVE when your heart flutters every time you see them
        LUST when your groin twitches every time you see them
        MARRIAGE when your wallet empties every time you see them

        LOVE when nobody else matters
        LUST when nobody else knows
        MARRIAGE when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows

        LOVE when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel
        LUST when it's just the same mushy old crap
        MARRIAGE when you never listen to music

        LOVE when breaking up is something you try not to think about
        LUST when staying together is something you try not to think about
        MARRIAGE when just getting through today is your only thought

        LOVE when you're interested in everything your partner does
        LUST when you're only interested in one thing
        MARRIAGE when you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing
        you're interested in is your golf score
        • fibin new elements 13.11.05, 21:28
          Two new additions to the periodic table of elements:

          Element Name: WOMANIUM
          Symbol: WO
          Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)

          Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may
          freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

          Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity
          with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able
          to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next
          to a better specimen.

          Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth.
          Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

          Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!


          Element Name: MANIUM
          Symbol: XY
          Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

          Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape
          easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample.

          Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young
          samples.

          Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends
          to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD
          (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with
          alcohol.

          Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to
          produce large quantities on command.

          Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to
          smell.
    • fibin Barbara or Jack? 13.11.05, 21:37
      One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-
      president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so
      either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and
      said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't
      know whom to fire." The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive.
      Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem.
      You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara
      replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
      • kylie1 Re: Barbara or Jack? 13.11.05, 22:39
        That's really good.
        Barbara should say: " How about a fry pan over the left side of your head!"

        :)
    • ianek70 Re: Occupation jokes 13.11.05, 22:47
      fibin napisał:

      > The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table,
      > because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

      Any excuse to butcher an accountant is a good one :-)

      Three mates are sitting in the pub. After a few rounds one says:
      "I think my wife's having an affair."
      "What? Don't be daft, you're all man - sporty, hairy, tattooed and muscly, what
      more could a woman want?"
      "I know, but obviously that's not enough for her, she needs an intellectual
      type. She's having an affair with a doctor. The other day I found a stethoscope
      under the bed."
      A couple of pints later, the second one says:
      "You know, my wife's been cheating on me as well."
      "Now, don't you be stupid. You're a psychologist for God's sake, you understand
      people, you know what women want, you're the perfect caring father, you read a
      lot."
      "I know, but for some women, that's not enough. My wife obviously wants someone
      more macho, she's been seeing a cop."
      "How do you know?"
      "Yesterday I found a pair of handcuffs under the bed."
      Another pint. Or two. The third one says:
      "I don't know what to think. I'm a nice guy, work hard, I play football, bake
      cakes, write poetry, repair stuff, do a lot of charity work, buy the wife loads
      of flowers, but it's not enough."
      "Why do you say that?"
      "Well she's been having an affair too, and I don't know what it says about me,
      but she's been sleeping with a horse."
      "A horse? Why do you think that?"
      "This morning I found a jockey under the bed."
      • russh Re: Occupation jokes 14.11.05, 14:58
        Like it!

        But it really should have started with:

        There were three mates, a Scotsman, an Englishman & an Irishman!
        • ianek70 Re: Occupation jokes 15.11.05, 23:06
          russh napisał:

          > Like it!
          >
          > But it really should have started with:
          >
          > There were three mates, a Scotsman, an Englishman & an Irishman!

          Well, I didn't want to perpetrate any stereotypes regarding our Sassenach
          neighbours, plus the punchline couldn't have been about a Teuchter cos sheep
          don't generally have jockeys.
          Although there could also be the exclusively Caledonian version, wherein the
          Glaswegian exclaims:
          "Ah hink ma wife's bin poagerin some sensitive bawbag - the e'er day ah fun a
          WEE chib unner wur bed."
          To which the Edinburghian responds:
          "An ma wife's bin poagerin some macho radge - the day ah fun a perr o unnatural
          less-thin-normal-fluffy hauncuffs unner wur bed, like."
          And eventually the Aberdonian confides:
          "Ma quine's bin daein it wi a sheep! The ither day ah fun a pimp unner oor bed!"

          But ah cannae be arsed explainin aw that tae yon Poles.
          :-)
    • fibin Re: Surgeons 15.11.05, 18:01
      Cantonese Menu
      SUC MI PAGODA
      Cuntonese Cuisine
      6969 Fellation Blvd.
      Escondildo, CA 12698
      281-6969


      That's "Two ate one - Sixty-nine, Sixty-nine"
      PORKING IN THE REAR


      ________________________________________


      A LA CARTE
      $2.69 each

      CUM DROP SOUP
      Fresh Every 2.7 Days

      PEE YU PLATTER
      Clothes Pins Extra

      HOO FLUNG POO
      Napkins & Raincoats Provided

      SUC SUM TIT
      Children's Special

      YUNG POON TANG
      No Take Out Orders Accepted

      ________________________________________


      LUNCHEON SPECIALS

      1. SUM YUNG CHICK..........$6.99
      Different and Delicious

      2. WON HUNG LO..............$6.99
      Chinese Meatballs

      3. SUM DUM FUC..............$9.69
      Same - #1 But With Extra Sauce

      4. CHU SUM TWAT............$16.99
      Dinner - Parties Of 3 Or More

      5. SUC MI PORK..............$9.69 Chef's Special

      FUC YU MAN...............$6.69
      Specialty Of The House

      ________________________________________


      DINNER COMBINATIONS

      1. GOO IN HAND...........$9.69
      For Those Dining Alone

      2. GOO WEE CHICK.........$6.99
      Sloppy Seconds - No Charge

      3. CUM TU SOON...........$6.99
      Order Early - These Go Fast

      4. SUC MI WANG...........$6.99
      Traditional Chinese Meatloaf

      5. SUM DUM CHICK.........$4.99
      You Get What You Pay For

      6. FUC MEI SLO...........$6.69
      Not Available After 10PM

      7. LIK MI CLIT...........$6.99
      A Delicious Lick Smacking Oriental Delicacy

      8. CHO KON IT............$9.99
      Not For The Light Throated

      9. FUC SUM NOW...........$6.99
      For Those In A Hurry

      10. WAI TU YUNG..........$4.99
      Not Available On School Nights
    • fibin Changing oil 15.11.05, 18:11
      Changing Oil
      Oil Change instructions for Women:

      1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil
      change.
      2) Drink a cup of coffee.
      3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

      Money spent: Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00 Total $21.00

      Oil Change instructions for Men:

      1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
      filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
      $50.00.
      2) Stop by liquor store and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive
      home.
      3) Open a beer and drink it.
      4) Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. Jack car up.
      5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
      6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
      7) Place drain pan under engine.
      8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
      9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
      10) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in
      process. Cuss.
      11) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
      12) Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
      13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
      14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
      15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and
      twist off.
      16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere
      from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid
      environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
      17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change
      tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.
      18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full
      of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard
      instead of taking it to recycle.
      19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
      20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
      21) Walk to liquor store; buy beer.
      22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket
      surface.
      23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
      24) Remember drain plug from step 10.
      25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
      26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with
      drain plug.
      27) Drink beer.
      28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch of
      ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
      29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty
      litter on oil spill.
      30) Drink beer.
      31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag
      used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain
      plug and bang knuckles on frame.
      32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
      33) Begin cussing fit.
      34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
      35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in
      the left boob.
      36) Beer.
      37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
      38) Beer.
      39) Beer.
      40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
      41) Beer.
      42) Lower car from jack stands.
      43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
      44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps
      23 - 43.
      45) Beer.
      46) Test drive car.
      47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
      48) Car gets impounded.
      49) Call loving wife, make bail.
      50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

      Money spent: Parts $50.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00
      Beer $40.00 Total
    • fibin Another redneck? 15.11.05, 18:16
      If You Love Jesus

      The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a HONK IF
      YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my
      car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed!

      I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about
      the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker
      really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me
      started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the Lord because pretty soon,
      he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. It
      was like a football game with him shouting, "GO JESUS CHRIST, GO!!!"

      Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and
      smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida
      back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and
      saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
      I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each
      other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I
      leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

      Several cars behind, a very nice man stepped out of his car and yelled
      something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like, "Mother
      trucker," or "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must
      really love the Lord. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of
      the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet
      they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed to
      yellow, and stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only
      driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I
      leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good
      luck sign as I drove away.
    • fibin Hmm... 16.11.05, 21:08
      Some things that make you go hmmm....

      1. Why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways?

      2. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

      3. Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse?

      4. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

      5. How do a fool and his money GET together?

      6. Why does Hawaii have interstate highways?

      7. How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?

      8. If a train station is where the train stops, what is a workstation?

      9. If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?

      10. If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand
      words, how dangerous is a fax?

      11. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
      silent?

      12. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

      13. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

      14. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds" fee on money they already
      know you don't have?

      15. Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?

      16. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

      17. If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?

      18. What are Preparation A through Preparation G?

      19. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

      20. Did Washington flash a quarter when asked for ID?

      21. How come there aren't B batteries?

      22. If the post office has machines that can sort snail mail at 1000's of times
      per minute, then why do they give it to a little old man on a bike to deliver?

      23. How do "Do not walk on the grass" signs get there?

      24. Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars?

      25. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

      26. How is it possible to have a civil war?

      27. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

      28. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

      29. If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?

      30. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

      31. If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

      32. Crime doesn't pay...does that mean that my job is a crime?

      33. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

      34. How do you know that honesty is the best policy until you have tried some
      of the others?

      35. How do you throw away a garbage can?

      36. How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?

      37. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

      38. Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the
      time to take the dirt out of them?

      39. If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

      40. If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn
      on the headlights?

      41. What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?

      42. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

      43. Why do hot dogs come 10 to a package and hot dog buns only 8?

      44. Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into
      telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?

      45. Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when
      the gun is thrown at him?

      46. Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

      47. Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day?

      48. What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about?

      49. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why
      you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

      50. What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
    • fibin Slang definitions 17.11.05, 08:16
      Abra-Kebabra
      A magic act performed on Saturday night, where fast food vanishes down the
      performer's throat, and then shortly afterwards, it suddenly reappears on the
      taxi floor.

      Aussie Kiss
      Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

      Back End of the Bat Mobile
      The state of your Brass Eye soon after you eat a really hot curry. "I had a
      Ring Stinger in the Benghazi restaurant last night, and now I've got a dose of
      Gandhi's Revenge. My arse feels like the back end of the Bat Mobile."

      Beaver Leaver
      or Vagina Decliner. A homosexual.

      Beer Coat
      The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in
      the morning.

      Beer Compass
      The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise,
      even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there,
      and where you've come from.

      Bone of Contention
      A hard-on that causes an argument. e.g. one that arises when a man is watching
      Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.

      Breaking the Seal
      Your 1st piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the
      seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or
      15 minutes for the rest of the night.

      Budgie's Tongue
      or Small Man In A Boat, or Tongue Punchbag. The female erection.

      BVH
      Blue-Veined Hooligan. The 1-eyed skinhead.

      Cider Visor
      Beer Goggles for the young drinker.

      Cliterature
      1-handed reading material.

      Cock-A-Doodle-Poo
      The bowel movement that, needing to come out urgently, wakes you up in the
      morning to get to the toilet quick.

      Crappucino
      The particularly frothy type of diarrhoea that you get when abroad.

      Double Bass
      A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then
      fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's Tongue with the
      other. The position is similar to that used when playing double bass
      instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.

      Etch-A-Sketch
      Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples
      simultaneously.

      Fizzy Gravy
      or Rusty Water. Diarrhoea.

      Flogging On
      Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.

      Free the Tadpoles
      Liberate the residents of Wank Tanks.

      Frigmarole
      Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.

      Fu*kShitFu*kShitFu*kShit
      The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.

      Going For a McShit
      Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just
      going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, our declaration to
      them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit With Lies.

      Greyhound
      A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

      Hand-to-Gland Combat
      A vigorous masturbation session.

      Hefty Cleft
      or Horse's Collar, or Welly Top. Description of a very large vagina.

      McSplurry
      The type of bowel movement you experience after dining for a week in fast food
      restaurants.

      Millennium Domes
      The contents of a Wonderbra. i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the
      outside, but there's actually fuck-all in there worth seeing.

      Monkey Bath
      A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!Aa!
      Aa!".

      Mystery Bus
      The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet
      after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is
      suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

      Mystery Taxi
      The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up,
      whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed
      instead.

      NBR
      No Beers Required. Someone that you'd chat up instantly in the pub. The
      opposite of a 10-Pinter.

      Picasso Arse
      A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4
      buttocks.

      Sperm Wail
      or Spuphemism. A verbal outburst during the male orgasm.

      Starfish Trooper
      or Arsetronaut. A homosexual.

      10-Pinter
      Someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least 10 pints.

      2-Bagger
      Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with. (1 to cover their head,
      and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off.)

      Titanic
      A lady who goes down first time out.
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