A cop and a blonde:)

13.12.05, 20:46
There was a cop parked at the end of the road when a red sports car came
speeding by. The cop pulled out turned on it's sirens and started chasing the
car. The car pulled over and the cop came up to the driver which was a
beautiful blonde. The cop and for license and registration and the blonde
said "what are those?" The cop said that the license is usually in you purse
and registration is usually in your glove box. The cop went to call the
seargeant and the seargant said " Is it a beautiful blonde in a really nice
sports car?" And the cop said "yes" Then the seargant said " Give her back
her license and registration and then drop your pants" The cop said "I'm
sorry sir but that is just not appropriate". The seargant said "Just do it or
you will lose your job, just trust me, DO IT!!" So the cop went over to the
blonde gave her back her license and registration and then dropped his pants.
Then the blonde said "Oh no, not another breathilizer?!"
    • fibin Courtroom dialogues 14.12.05, 06:30
      Lawyer: Did you blow your horn or anything?
      Witness: After the accident?
      Lawyer: Before the accident.
      Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

      Lawyer: How old is your son? The one living with you.
      Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
      Lawyer: How long has he lived with you?
      Witness: Forty-five years.

      Lawyer: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that
      morning?
      Witness: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
      Lawyer: And why did that upset you?
      Witness: My name is Susan.

      Lawyer: How was your first marriage terminated?
      Witness: By death.
      Lawyer: And by whose death was it terminated?

      Lawyer: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or
      occult?
      Witness: We both do.
      Lawyer: Voodoo?
      Witness: We do.
      Lawyer: You do?
      Witness: Yes, voodoo.

      Lawyer: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
      Witness: Yes.
      Lawyer: And what were you doing at that time?

      Lawyer: What is your date of birth?
      Witness: July fifteenth.
      Lawyer: What year?
      Witness: Every year.

      Lawyer: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights
      flashing?
      Witness: Yes.
      Lawyer: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
      Witness: Yes, sir.
      Lawyer: What did she say?
      Witness: She said 'What disco am I at?'

      Lawyer: Mr. Smith, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
      Witness: I went to Europe, Sir.
      Lawyer: And you took your new wife?

      Lawyer: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
      Witness: Yes.
      Lawyer: And these stairs, did they go up also?

      Lawyer: She had three children, right?
      Witness: Yes.
      Lawyer: How many were boys?
      Witness: None.
      Lawyer: Were there any girls?

      Lawyer: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
      Witness: Yes.
      Lawyer: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
      Witness: I forget things.
      Lawyer: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
      forgotten?

      Lawyer: Can you describe the individual you saw?
      Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
      Lawyer: Was this a male, or a female?
    • fibin Dad and son:) 14.12.05, 06:32
      A man sits down with his 9 year old son. Listen, Son, I want to tell you about
      the birds and the bees. The son bursts into tears and says, "I don't want to
      hear this." The dad is puzzled and asks why. When the lad has dried his tears
      he explains, "Dad, when I was 6 you told me there was no Santa Claus; when I
      was 7 you told me there was no tooth fairy; when I was 8 you told me there was
      no Easter Bunny. If you're going to tell me adults don't shag, I've got nothing
      left to live for."
    • ianek70 Re: A cop and a blonde:) 14.12.05, 11:57
      fibin napisał:

      > Then the blonde said "Oh no, not another breathilizer?!"

      :-)
      In the olden days of analogue technology, they jested thus:
      A fair-haired woman sees some workmen digging a trench.
      "What's that big hole for?" she inquires.
      "We're laying phone lines," replies the gaffer.
      "Phone lines? So these wires can connect you to anyone in the world?"
      "Well, if they've got a phone, then yes."
      "I don't suppose you could do me a favour and connect me with my cousin in
      Australia? We haven't spoken for ages."
      "I'll do you a favour, if you do me one..."
      "Oh, of course. What do you want me to do?"
      "Get down on your knees."
      "OK," she agrees, and kneels. He gets out his maczuga and sticks it in her
      mouth.
      "Hello, Agnes, can you hear me?" she says.
      • fibin Restaurant Efficiency 16.12.05, 18:28
        I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt
        pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I
        dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware.
        He too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room, and all
        the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets. When our
        waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?"

        "Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some consulting
        efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of
        statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor
        73% more often than any other utensil; at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per
        workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we
        can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time . . . nearly 1.5 extra man-
        hours per shift." Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind
        him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll
        grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special
        trip," he proudly explained. I was impressed.

        "Thanks. I had to ask."

        "No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders.

        As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back and
        forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of
        my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again,
        I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other
        waiters and busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers. My curiosity
        overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to
        ask. "Excuse me, but . . . uh . . . why, or what . . . about that string?"

        "Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant.
        That same efficiency group found we could save time in the men's room, too."

        "How's that?"

        "You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, selves, we can pull it out
        at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our
        hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!"

        "Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking through the pocess, I
        asked, "Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get
        it back in?"

        "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use my spoon."
    • fibin Non-Stress Diet 17.12.05, 08:51

      This diet is designed to help you cope with stress which normally builds up
      during the day.

      Breakfast:
      1/2 Grapefruit
      1 Slice Whole Wheat Toast, Dry
      8 oz. Skim Milk

      Lunch:
      4 oz. Lean Broiled Chicken Breast
      1 cup Steamed Spinach
      1 cup Herb Tea
      1 Oreo Cookie

      Mid-Afternoon Snack:
      Rest of the Oreos in the package
      2 Pints Rocky Road Ice Cream
      1 Jar Hot Fudge Sauce
      Nuts, Cherries, Whipped Cream

      Dinner:
      Loaves of Garlic Bread with Cheese
      Large Sausage, Mushroom & Cheese Pizza
      4 Cans or 1 Large Pitcher of Beer
      3 Milky Way or Snickers Candy Bars

      Rules For This Diet:

      1. If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.

      2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the
      candy bar are cancelled by the diet soda.

      3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't
      eat more than they do.

      4. Foods used for medicinal purposes NEVER count. Example: hot chocolate,
      brandy, toast, and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

      5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

      6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the
      entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Example: Milk Duds,
      Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints and Tootsie Rolls.

      7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie causes
      calorie leakage.

      8. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not strong
      enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter.

      9. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives and
      spoons have no calories. Examples: Peanut Butter on a knife and ice cream on a
      spoon.

      10. Food of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are
      spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate.

      11. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other.
    • fibin Hey! Watch that spin! 24.12.05, 10:40
      Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a
      light bulb?
      A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its conditions
      are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are
      a delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served
      honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do
      you hate our freedom?
    • fibin Don't Mess With Bess 24.12.05, 10:41
      A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in Minnesota. The
      husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn, the wife likes to read.
      One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
      decides to take a nap. The wife decides to take the boat out. She
      motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her
      book. Along comes a game warden in his boat.

      He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What
      are you doing?"

      "Reading a book," she replies.

      "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

      "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

      "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
      up at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

      "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says
      the woman.

      "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

      "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you
      could start at any moment."

      "Have a nice day ma'am", he said and left.

      MORAL of the story: Never mess with a woman who reads. It's likely
      she can also think.
    • fibin Life's Little Ironies 24.12.05, 10:42
      He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

      Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

      A day without sunshine is like... night.

      On the other hand, you have different fingers.

      Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

      I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

      When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

      Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

      You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then
      used against you.

      I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

      Honk if you love peace and quiet.

      Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

      Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

      It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on
      the cost of living.

      The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right,
      there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

      It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone
      would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

      You can't have everything, where would you put it?

      Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's
      population.

      The things that come to those who wait are usually the things left by those who
      got there first.

      Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

      I wish the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

      I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

      Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until
      you hear them speak

      72.17% of all statistics are made up.
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