Proszę o sprawdzenie wypracowania

[jasnoniebieski.5]

Witam
Na wstępie przepraszam że temat taki długi, ale nie miałem innego wyboru,
musiałem napisać to zadanie i zanim je oddam to chciałbym wiedzieć, czy są tam
jakieś rażące błędy typu Word Order, Article czy np. gramatycznie coś jest nie
tak. Ogólnie to starałem sięto pisać w passive voice, ale to mój pierwszy
grubszy temat w tej kwestii, więc liczę na każdą sugestię i radę. Pozdrawiam.
A oto zadanko:

I would like compare two films. Both of them have title “The Day the Earth
Stood Still”. The first film was made 1951 and in this same year it won Golden
Globe. In this movie the main roles were played by: Michael Rennie, Patricia
Neal and Hugh Marlowe. Over 50 years later, in 2008, they remade it. The main
stars were: Keanu Reaves, Jennifer Conelly and Jaden Smith. The film from 1951
started with tracked unidentified flying object, which flew with a speed of
6000km/h. The UFO circled the Earth and it landed in Washington. The ship very
quickly was circled by US Army. Klaatu, who was main hero in this film, he was
being left UFO after 2 hours as someone from solders shot to him. After that,
from UFO was being gone Gort, mechanical robot which was his body guard.
Soldiers’ weapons were destroyed by Gort’s power. Because Klaatu was injured,
he went to hospital. There he met Mr. Harley, who was sent to him by White
House. Klaatu explained where he was came from, how he was being learnt
English language and why he was came here. He had important message for
leaders all nations. At this same time his space and his robot were being
tried drill be engineers, but they could do nothing. Klaatu was being escaped
from the hospital and he rented small room in the city. He was being made
friends with boy called Bobby, who shown him city. After that they were gone
to Mr. Barnhardt, who was scientist. In his house Klaatu had been founded
blackboard with math exercise within were a few mistakes and he was being
corrected it. Later he was met Mr. Barnhardt and he was explained his mission.
After that, he was being come to home and he was being loaned torch from
Bobby. He took a torch and he went to UFO. Bobby had been followed behind
Klaatu and when he was being seen entrant Klaatu into spaceship, he was being
frightened and he was run to home. At home Bobby was being told about it his
mum and her friend. In next day electricity was turned off on half hour on the
entire world. It was sign for all people, how powerful can be another
civilization. Meanwhile, boyfriend Bobby’s mum had been informed Army, so all
of them were being started looking for him. When they found him, one of them
was shot Klaatu. After that, Mr. Benson (mum of Bobby), was being gone to Gort
with a message from Klaatu. When she had been become to Gort, she was really
being thrilled and she was being started shout, but after second she said
message to him. She had been taken into a spaceship and she was being locked
there by the robot. Gort had been founded Klaatu and he was being taken into
the spaceship. There Klaatu’s live was being retrieved. Klaatu had been left
his spaceship and he was being spoken to leaders who arrived on this meeting.
If someone would like to know what Klaatu said to leaders, he should seem this
film. The second film has very similar plot, so maybe I will say only about
mains differences. Firstly big difference was it, that Klaatu had been
abducted by UFO. Secondly, in remade film UFO looked like a big ball, not like
a flat spaceship. UFO had been landed in New York, not in Washington. Gort
from new film was bigger than the robot from 1951. Next thing, at this same
time on the all of world were being landed a lot of smaller spaces ball.
People didn’t know why all animals instinctively boarded into spaces ball, but
after a few days someone discovered that this balls are like Noe Ark. I can’t
say how it was ended, but if somebody like science-fiction, he should see both
of them.

[shangazi]

1. nie powinieneś pisać wypracowania w str biernej (chyba że byłby to opis
procesu np przetwórczego - jak produkuje się...)
2. opisujesz wątek - użyj czasów terażniejszych
3. 1sze zdanie : to compare
4. trudne do przeczytania, zrób akapity
5. trzecie zdanie od końca pogmatwane
6. ostatnie zdanie - zwracasz się do czytelnika, a więc if you like... see both
of them
powodzenia

[jeanie_mccake]

Why use passive constructions (especially wrong ones) in sentences
which logically require active verb forms?
It makes them completely ungrammatical ("where he was came from")
and/or ambiguous ("Bobby had been followed behind Klaatu").

[jasnoniebieski.5]

Bardzo dziękuję za poprawki, i te po polsku i te po angielsku, jeszcze mi tego
zadania nie oddano, ale i tek będę musiał go poprawić, więc jeszcze tu zajrzę z
poprawioną wersją ;)

pozdrawiam

[jasnoniebieski.5]

Hello
I come back with a better version (I hope so), I will be glad for any
corrections and suggestions.

I would like to compare two films. Both of them have a title “The Day the
Earth Stood Still”. The first film was made in 1951 and in this same year, it
won a Golden Globe. In this movie, the main roles were played by: Michael
Rennie, Patricia Neal and Hugh Marlowe. Over 50 years later, in 2008, they
remade it. The main stars were: Keanu Reaves, Jennifer Conelly and Jaden Smith.

The film from 1951 started with a tracked unidentified flying object, which
flew with at a speed of 6000km/h. The UFO circled the Earth and it landed in
Washington. The ship was very quickly circled by US Army. Klaatu, who was main a
hero in this film, left UFO after 2 hours, as army solders shot to him. After
that, UFO left Gort, a mechanical robot as his body guard. Soldiers’ weapons
were destroyed by Gort’s power; because Klaatu was injured, he went to hospital.
There he met Mr. Harley, who was sent to him by the White House. Klaatu
explained where form he was, how he learnt English language and why he came
here. He had important message for the leaders all nations. At this same time,
his ship and his robot were drilled be engineers, but they could do nothing.
Klaatu escaped from the hospital and he rented a small room in the city. He made
friends with a boy called Bobby, who showed him city. After that, they went to
Mr. Barnhardt, who was a scientist. In his house Klaatu founded blackboard with
a math exercise with a few mistakes and he corrected it. Later he met Mr.
Barnhardt and he explained his mission. After that, he comes to home and he
loaned a torch from Bobby. He took a torch and he went to the UFO. Bobby
followed behind Klaatu and when he sow entrant Klaatu into spaceship, he
frightened and he ran to home. At home Bobby told about it his mum and her friend.

The next day the electricity was turned off for half hour on the entire
world. It was a sign for all people, how another civilization can be powerful.
Meanwhile, Bobby’s mum boyfriend had been informed Army, so all of them started
looking for him. When they found him, one of them shot Klaatu. After that, Mr.
Benson (mum’s of Bobby), went to Gort with a message from Klaatu. When she
became to Gort, she was really thrilled and she started shout, but after a
second she told message to him. She was taken into the spaceship and she was
locked there by the robot. Gort founded Klaatu and he took him into the
spaceship. There Klaatu’s life was retrieved. Klaatu left his spaceship and he
spokes to leaders who arrived at this meeting. If someone would like to know
what Klaatu said to the leaders, he should see this film.

The second film has a very similar plot, so maybe I will only say about main
differences. Firstly, the biggest difference was that Klaatu had been abducted
by UFO. Secondly, in a remake of the film UFO looked like a big ball, not like a
flat spaceship. The UFO landed in New York, not in Washington. Gort from a new
film was bigger than the robot from 1951. The next thing, at the same time in
the entire world a lot of smaller spaces ball were landed. People didn’t know
why all the animals instinctively boarded the space ball, but after a few days,
someone discovered that these balls are like Noah’s ark.

I can’t say how it ended, but if you like science-fiction, he should see both
of them.

Proszę o sprawdzenie wypracowania

[muffffinka]

Ja także bardzo proszę o sprawdzenie :). Byłabym bardzo wdzięczna. Kilka razy już starałam się dowiedzieć, czy jest z nim coś nie tak, ale niestety nikt nie odpowiadał na innych forach :(. Może tu mi się poszczęści? :D

I write essay about useing animals in circus. Everyone love animals. They are lovely, cutely, friendly and disinterestedly! People which have whatever animal understand what this mean. Big, and immense love! If their animal must be work in circus, they will be very unsatisfied. They will be afraid to him! But about animals which hard work in cirkus nobody don’t be afraid! Why is it? Why people the more care about yourself satisfaction than feels animals? How long will be hapenn this?
In every circus are animals. Is it good for them?
On the one hand, people like watching animals and animals make great show. It is funny! Also, people make a lot of money on it. Animals get food, too. Next i think that some animal like performing and it doesn’t hurt them. Maybe this is the better for kill and eat them? Finally people appreciate animals and their hard work. I think too that animals in cyrkus give us chage for know animals behaviour and we can see nad admire same unsual animals!
On the other hand, animals don't have a choice. They are made to do things they don’t want to do! Also, it is a dangerous work for people and animals's and this is a hard work for the animals! We should remember about this! Next, animals became nervous and dangerous. They are not free! Free is very importand for they! Free give them happy! Without her feel like in cage. People treat them badly, too. Animals always don't listen to people.
I’m very sad when I think to this animals. Animals which are don’ be free and which are suffer! I think that animals shouldn't work in circus. They should be free.