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Military jokes (US)

07.03.07, 13:42
Nawet smieszne :))

Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operation (AO):

* Paratrooper: Kills the snake.

* Armor: Runs over snake, giggles, and looks for more snakes.

* Infantry: "Look, a putty cat. Come 'ere kitty . . . Ouch! Hey, that's not a kitty cat."

* Infantry (alt): "Ugh! Me see snake. Me like snake. Ouch! Me no like snake."

* Army Aviation: Has GPS grid to snake. Couldn't find snake. Back to base for crew rest and the club and some sort of drink called "The Snake"

* Ranger: Plays with the snake, then eats it.

* Ranger (alt): Assaults the snake's home and secures it for use by friendly snakes.

* SEAL: Expends all ammunition, several grenades and calls for naval gunfire in a failed attempt to kill the snake. The snake bites the SEAL then retreats to safety.

* Corps Artillery: Kills snake, but in the process kills several hundred civilians with a massive TOT with three FA BDEs in support. Mission is considered a success and all participants are awarded Silver Stars. (Cooks, Mechanics, Legal Clerks etc.)

* Marine Recon: Follows the snake and gets lost

* Combat Controller: Guides the snake elsewhere.

* Para-Rescue: Wounds the snake in first encounter, then feverishly works to save the snake's life.

* Special Forces: Makes contact with the snake, builds rapport, wins its heart and mind, then trains it to kill other snakes
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    • misza_kazak Re: Military jokes (US) 07.03.07, 13:43
      Airborne General and ReporterThis is a recount of a Radio interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army Airborne General. General Rock was about to sponsor a Boy Scout troop visiting his military installation.

      FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "So, General Rock, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"

      GENERAL ROCK: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."

      FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

      GENERAL ROCK: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."

      FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

      GENERAL ROCK: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle range discipline before they ever touch a firearm."

      FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

      GENERAL ROCK: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

      The radio went silent and the interview ended.

      (Note: While this has been presented as a "true story" for several years, it is, in fact, pure fiction. In short, this incident never happened).

    • misza_kazak Re: Military jokes (US) 07.03.07, 13:43
      Leg General in HeavenOne day, an old leg General who wished he was Airborne but never had the guts, dies and makes it to heaven (go figure!).

      St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates and informs him that that he's made it into heaven and does the leg General have any questions.

      The leg General replies, "I'm glad to be here but there're no paratroopers here in heaven are there?"

      St. Peter assured the leg wannbe that " No, there's no paratroopers here, cause they tend to upset the other angels".

      The General smiled and walked through the gates. He was pleased with the beautiful quarters he was assigned and marveled at the tree lined streets and serenity of it all.

      One morning as he was strolling down the street, he was horrified to see a figure approach him from around the corner. The sun glinted off of mirror-like spit shined boots & the creases of the the pressed BDU's could have been used for surgery. Worse was the maroon beret perched atop the freshly shaven flatop the individual sported.

      The leg General ran screaming down the street to the pearly gates where he grabbed St. Peters robe, pointed at the paratrooper & screamed, "I thought you said there are no paratroopers in heaven!"

      St. Peter looked, saluted & hollered, " All the Way SIR!" The paratrooper smartly saluted and replied, "And then some!" as he strode away. The leg General was fit to be tied as he accused St. Peter of lying to him.

      St. Peter scowled and said, " General, I do not lie." The livid leg General shouted as he pointed at the receding paratrooper, " Then who the hell is that?"

      St. Peter looked and replied, " Oh, that's God. He just playing paratrooper."
    • misza_kazak Re: Military jokes (US) 07.03.07, 13:46
      Dictionary Definition of "Hooah"Hooah (hoo ah) adj., adv., n., v., conj., interj., excla. [Orig. unknown] Slang. 1. Referring to or meaning anything and everything except "no". 2. What to say when at a loss for words. 3.a. Good copy. b. Roger. c. Solid copy. d. Good. e. Great. f. Message received. g. Understood. h. Acknowledged. 4.a. Glad to meet you. b. Welcome. 5. "All right!" 6.a. I don't know the answer, but I'll check on it. b. I haven't the foggiest idea. 7. I am not listening. 8. "That is enough of your drivel; sit down!" 9. Yes. 10. "You've got to be kidding me!" 11. Thank you. 12. Go to the next slide. 13. You've taken the correct action. 14. I don't know what that means, but I'm too embarrassed to ask for clarification. 15. Squared away (He's pretty hooah.) 16. Amen!

    • misza_kazak Re: Military jokes (US) 07.03.07, 13:47
      Army Airborne Vs. Marines

      A marine recon platoon was on patrol when the Lt. noticed a lone Paratrooper standing
      on a hilltop in their area. The Lt. told two of his men to go take out that man. They
      promptly ran as fast as they could toward the Paratrooper. Just before they got to
      the top, the paratrooper ran over the other side of the hill. The two marines followed.
      For the next few minutes there were bloody screams and dust flying in the air. Then as
      quick as it had started, it stopped and the Paratrooper came up on the hilltop. He
      brushed off his BDU's, straightened his beret, crossed his arms and stood there looking
      at the marines. The Lt., pissed, called for a squad to go get that Paratrooper. They
      promptly ran as fast as they could toward the paratrooper. Just before they got to the
      top, the paratrooper ran over the other side of the hill. The marine squad followed.
      For the next few minutes there were bloody screams and dust flying in the air. Then as
      quick as it had started, it stopped and the paratrooper came up on the hilltop. He
      brushed off his BDU's, straightened his beret, crossed his arms and stood there looking
      at the marines. The Lt. was really hot now. He ordered the rest of his platoon to
      attack the paratrooper. Determined that the recon was far superior to the one paratrooper
      they had blood in their eyes as they ran up the hill. Just before they got to the top,
      the Paratrooper ran over the other side of the hill. The marine's followed. For many
      minutes there were bloody screams and dust flying in the air. It continued and continued.
      Finally there was one lone marine crawling back to the lt., all bloody and beat about
      the head and shoulders. His BDU's were torn, cuts were all over his body. The Lt. asked
      for a sit. rep. The lone marine, bloody and beaten replied in a forceful and fearful
      voice "Sir, run, its a trick. There are TWO of them!!"
    • misza_kazak Re: Military jokes (US) 07.03.07, 13:48

      Your wife's two favorite shades of lipstick are light green and loam.
      You go to a barbecue and insist that your family feed in a tactical chow line at five meter intervals
      Before you hit the road on vacation you conduct rehearsals, back briefs, PCI, and cover your convoy checklist.
      Your children clear their hand receipt and housing before they go to college.
      Your wife has more jumps than most LTs in the company.
      Your kids call the yard their MWR area.
      You require your mechanic to replace the sandbags in your floorboard as a part of a tune-up.
      Your station wagon is equipped with blackout lights, OVE, OVM, and has to be properly dispatched.
      Your kids call their mother "Household 6."
      Your kids volunteer to pull air guard on the school bus.
      Your doorbell sounds off with the current challenge and password.
      Your house has sector sketches posted by every window.
      You give the command "Fix Bayonets" at Thanksgiving Dinner.
      Your kids show their meal cards at the kitchen door, except the oldest, who is on separate rations.
      You make your daughter sign out on pass on Prom Night.
      Your kindergartner calls recess "smoke break."
      Your wife calls foreplay "prepping the objective."
      Your wife conducts an AAR after sex.
      Your wife "takes a knee" in the checkout line at the Food Lion.
      You do your "back to school" shopping at the U.S. Cavalry store.
      Your kids call the tooth fairy "Slicky Boy."
      Your son fails the third grade but tells everyone he was a "phase three recycle."
      Your kids salute their grandparents.
      Your wife's "high-n-tight" is more squared away than your commander's.
      Your kids get a LES for their allowance.
      Your grandmother won "All American Week" and "Best Ranger."
      All your kids have names that start with AR, FM, TM, or DA Form.
      Your pick-up has your name stenciled on the windshield.
      Your kids are hand-receipt holders.
      Your older kids call the youngest one "Cherry."
      Your kids recite their ABCs phonetically.
      Your wife keeps Mermites in the China cabinet.
      You call your in-laws the "Slice Elements."
      Your dog's name is "Ranger."
      All your possessions are military issue.
      Your kids call their sandbox "NTC or CMTC"
      You have pull-up bars outside the kitchen door.
      Your daughter's first haircut was a flattop.
      Your kids pull fireguard.
      Your newborn's first words were "all OK Jumpmaster."
      The only channels you get are CNN, and ESPN.
    • misza_kazak Re: Military jokes (US) 07.03.07, 13:48
      Airborne BraveryOne day, a general of the Army, an Admiral, and an Air Force General are having an argument about whose branch of the military is braver.

      So the Admiral yells to a passing Navy Seal, "Sailor, catch that falling anchor!" The Sailor snaps to attention, shouts, "Yes, sir!", runs under the anchor, and is crushed to death trying to catch it. The Admiral turns to the others and says "Gentlemen, that was bravery."

      So the Air Force General takes his turn and calls an Air Policeman, "Airman, catch that landing plane." The Airman snaps to attention and shouts Yes sir!" shouts "Yes, sir!" and is sucked into the propellers and is sliced to death. The Air Force General turns back to the others and says, "Gentlemen, that took guts."

      Finally, The Airborne General yells for his Paratrooper. "Trooper, get into that that airplane, go to 1,200 feet and jump out. "Yes Sir"!! shouts the Paratroopers. But!!!!, the General says, do it without a parachute. The Paratrooper snaps to attention and without hesitation shouts "F*ck you, sir." The Airborne General turns to the others and says, "Gentlemen, now that took guts."
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