piwo i kobiety (w j. angielskim)

[ochman]

Disturbing News from Harvard

Yesterday, Harvard scientists released the results of a
recent analysis that revealed the presence of female
hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at
their beer consumption. The theory is that beer
contains female hormones (hops contain phytoeostrogens)
and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer
each within a 1hour period. It was then observed that
100% of the test subjects:
1.) Gained weight
2.) Talked excessively without making sense
3.) Became overly emotional
4.) Couldn't drive
5.) Failed to think rationally
6.) Argued over nothing
7.) Had to sit down while urinating
8.) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong

No further testing is considered necessary... :-)))

i jeszcze pare naukowych faktow

[ochman]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you
would have produced enough sound energy to heat one
cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

***********************

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months,
enough gas is produced to create the energy of an
atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it)

***********************

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps
out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

***********************

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

***********************

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before
it starves to death.

(Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)

***********************

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Do not try this at home......maybe at work.)

***********************

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head
is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by
ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

**********************

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like
a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes...can you imagine??)

**********************

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

**********************

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality
over quantity.)

*********************

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

*********************

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
than left-handed people do.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

********************

Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.

(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

*******************

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

******************

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

******************

Star fish have no brains.

(I know some people like that too.)

*****************

Polar bears are left-handed.

If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
****************

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex
for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

[Gość: gos]

Super!
masz cos jeszcze?

Time to put a Cork in it.

[Gość: ochman]

przepisane z irlandzkiej prasy (tytul autentyczny)

A Cork radio station was running a competition ? words
that weren?t in the dictionary yet could still be used
in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize
was trip to Bali.

DJ: "96FM here, what?s your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name?s Dave"
DJ: "Dave, what?s your word?"
Caller: "Goan? spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced ?go-an?."
DJ: "? You are correct, Dave, ?goan? is not in the
dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can
you use that word in that would make sense?"
Caller: "Goan f**k yourself"

The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, all
unsuccessful, until:

DJ: "96FM, what?s your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name?s Jeff"
DJ: "Jeff, what?s your word?"
Caller: "Smee? spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced ?smee?."
DJ: "? You are correct, Jeff, ?smee? is not in the
dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can
you use that word in that would make sense?"
Caller: "Smee again! Goan f**k yourself"

[Gość: gos]

:-))))))))))

Viz Top Tips

[Gość: ochman]

Niektore moze troche zbyt obrazowe, ale...

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't
panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its
throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly
removed.

Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new
kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your
forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables
by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by
smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to
nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge
by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you
fat bastards.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky.
The following morning you can create the effects of a
hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up
liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to
the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt
and a dog turd into the bath.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool
in your own home by filling the bath with cold water,
adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it,
before jumping in.

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get
pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every
bloke who looks at you over the fence.

Don't buy expensive ribbed condoms, just buy an
ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside
it before you put it on.

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by
aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll
invariably wake up in a strange place the following
morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Siply
stand closer to the object you wish to view.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish
bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to
swim in an amusing manner.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only
looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a
spoonful of lard.

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded,
makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of
arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you
book a flight to your intended destination in the first
place.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps
makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken
anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymmetrical bulge in
your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left
arm too.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo
seat by simply pissing in the sink.

Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold
Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford
workout videos.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply
lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice
bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on
about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes
exactly like the real thing', they won't know any
difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since
you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary
requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice
steak.

Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'.
Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to
her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you
can 'stay mounted' for.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a
garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so
that when you remove the garment from the washing
machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and
check that it has gone.

Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the
last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in
a random order.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and
bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the
end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few
years you'll have enough to insulate your loft.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and
dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

Have all your shits at work. Not only will you save
money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid
for it

Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a sparkler to the roof of
your car before starting a long journey. You drive the
things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look
like one.

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will
prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

An update to the old joke

[ochman]

Znacie kawal o krowach w roznych systemach?
To najnowszy dodatek...

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows.You sell
three of them to your publicly listed company, using
letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the
bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an
associated general offer so that you get all four cows
back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk
rights of the six cows are transferred via an
intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned
by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all
seven cows back to your listed company. The annual
report says the company owns eight cows, with an option
on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the
United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance
sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

na klopoty z policja...

[ochman]

This is a "true story" from Daily Mail.

Going to bed the other night I noticed people in my
shed stealing things. I phoned the police but was
told no one was in the area to help. They said they
would send someone over as soon as possible. I hung up.
A minute later I rang again.

"Hello", I said "I called you a minute ago because
there were people in my shed. You don't have to hurry
now because I've shot them".

Within minutes there were half a dozen police cars in
the area, plus a helicopter and an armed response unit.
They caught the burglars red handed. One of the
officers said:

"I thought you said you'd shot them"

To which I replied:

"I thought you said there was no one available."

Family Fortunes

[ochman]

The following are REAL answers given during that
wonderful show Family Fortunes:

Name something a blind person might use - A sword
Name a song with moon in the title - Blue Suede Moon
Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell
Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar
Name a famous brother and sister - Bonnie & Clyde
Name a dangerous race - The Arabs
Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers -
A horse
Name something that floats in the bath - Water
Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair
Name something Red - My cardigan
Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers
Name a famous royal - Mail
Name something you do before going to bed - Sleep
Name something you put on walls - Roofs
Name something in the garden that's green - Shed
Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine -
A bicycle with wings
Name something you might be allergic to - Skiing
Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
Name something a cat does - Goes to the toilet
Name something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog
Name something associated with the police - Pigs
Name a sign of the zodiac - April
Name something slippery - A conman
Name a kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish
Name a food that can be brown or white - Potato
Name a jacket potato topping - Jam
Name a famous Scotsman - Jock
Name another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones
Name something with a hole in it - Window
Name a non-living object with legs - Plant
Name a domestic animal - Leopard
Name a part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee
Name a way of cooking fish - Cod
Name something you open other than a door - Your bowels

Learn Chinese in 3 minutes

[ochman]

1) That's not right .................... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?....... Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP.............................Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man .................................Dum Gai
5) Small Horse ...........................Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? .............Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table ........Ai Bang Mai Ni
8) I think you need a face lift ...........Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here ..................Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet ....Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) This is a tow away zone ...............No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week.......Wai Yu
Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight .................Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile ........ Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive ........Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great ..............................Fa Kin Su Pah

[Gość: Wojtek]

Hej! Skad ty to wszystko bierzesz? Podaj namiary por favor!

[ochman]

Gość portalu: Wojtek napisał(a):

> Hej! Skad ty to wszystko bierzesz?

Dostaje emalia :-)))
Ale moge sie dzielic...

[Gość: Darek]

Guys, Maybe this will help you all but don't tell your girls that I told you...
Woman's Dictionary
1. "Fine"
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are
right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should
shut up. (NEVER use "fine" to describe how she looks. This will cause you to
have one of those arguments.)
2. "Five minutes"
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football
game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it's an
even trade.
3. "Nothing"
"Nothing" means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually
used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out,
upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will
last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
4. "Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows)
This is NOT permission; it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the
result will be the woman will get upset over "Nothing" and you'll have a "five-
minute" discussion that will end with the word "Fine."
5. "Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows)
This is NOT permission, either. It means, "I give up" or "do what you want
because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few
minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in
about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
6. "Loud Sigh"
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement. Very
frequently misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are a
complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "Nothing!"
7. "Soft Sigh"
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few
things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content.
Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a
bit longer.
8. "Oh"
This word

[Gość: Darek]

I jeszcze jeden na dzis:

These are actual quotes taken from Employee Performance Evaluations.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started
to dig.
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite
won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet
6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them
9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together"
12. "A gross ignoramus