_________________Funny things to do in an elevator

[Gość: kasiaprim]

Funny things to do in an elevator

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other
passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up,
dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got
enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting
off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then
act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them
to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until
you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've
got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn
motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occassionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!"
and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other
passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh
mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Whose the daddy????

[Gość: elevator]

The following are all replies that women have put on
English Child Support Agency forms, in the section for
listing 'father's details':

1. I don't know the identity of the father of my
daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by
my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can
contact BMW service stations in this area and see if
he's had it replaced.

2. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins,
child A was fathered by [name removed]. I am unsure as
to the identity of the father of child B,but I believe
that he was conceived on the same night.

3. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my
child as I was being sick out of a window when taken
unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list
of names of men that I think were at the party if this
helps.

4. I do not know the name of the father of my little
girl. She was conceived at a party [address and date
given] where I had unprotected sex with a man I met
that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that
I fainted.If you do manage to track down the father can
you send me his phone number?

5. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he
informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that
would have cataclysmic implications for the British
economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right
by my country - please advise.

6. I do not know who the father of my child was as
all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that
he was a Royal Green Jacket.

7. [name given] is the father of child A. If you do
catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my
AC/DC CDs ?

8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was
conceived at Euro Disney maybe it really is the Magic
Kingdom.

9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing
that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a programme
about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed
in and watched more TV rather than going to the party
at [address given] mine might have remained unfertilized.

[bruno11]

Oczywiście teraz każdy się boi cokolwiek napisać, bo się wstydzi przyznać, że
nie zna angielskiego. Niby że wszyscy doskonale rozumieją i w ogóle... No to ja
napiszę - nie znam angielskiego na tyle, by bez problemu zrozumieć te teksty.
Poza tym są zdecydowanie za długie, nie chce mi się czytać.

_________No to mamy pierwsze haslo pierwszomajowe!

[Gość: kasiaprim]

Nie przejmuj sie- po to czasem takich rzeczy szukam, by poczytac tzn
POĆWICZYC !
Poszukac slowek itp. A przeciez lepiej sie cwiczy na tekscie wesolym, niz na
smutnym, glupim, politycznym, czy szowinistycznym , co nam tu kilku Misiów
proponowalo.
Uszy do gory! A łapy-do słownika !
Podnosmy poziom angielskiego na Forum! (no to mamy pierwsze haslo
pierwszomajowe!)

How many PR executives does it take to change a li

[Gość: PR exec]

How many PR executives does it take to change a light bulb?

The only way to illustrate this is in a theoretical sense.

Let us assume a light bulb needs to be changed and we
need to calculate how many PR executives will be
required to fulfil that objective.

The answer is 28.

This may seem like an inordinate number but to think so
is indicative of an imperfect understanding of the
nature of the industry as practised by top-level exponents.

The quantitative breakdown and division of
responsibilities is as follows:

One PR executive needs to hear on the grapevine that a
light bulb will soon be changed; one will confirm the
rumour; one will discover the light bulb being changed
lasted a record length of time for bulbs of its type;
and one will decide whether a media event is needed to
celebrate the changing.

This represents the preparatory research phase.

It is then necessary to draft in one executive to
calculate the number of people on whom the bulb has
shone (including dignitaries, by name) and another to
discover the replacement will last longer and cost less.

The next requirement is a PR to research online the
history of light bulbs and prepare a white paper on the
subject. Another will need to arrange a Light Bulbs
Through the Years display at a prominent museum.

One PR will prepare a statistical analysis of the
number of workers who could be affected by the change,
and another will write a news release, two background
features and update the factsheet.

So, on to the nuts and bolts of media placement.

One PR is needed to compile a media list of appropriate
trade publications; one to suggest using a VNR or
B-roll to reach broadcast media nationwide; one to
schedule a press conference and/or media tour; one to
write an invitation letter; and one to make follow-up
calls.

One is required to prepare the press kits; one to
develop a comprehensive Q&A to deflect any tough
questions about light-bulb usage; one to handle
arrangements for travel to and from events; one to
handle news enquiries after the release goes out and
another to rehearse the speakers.

Then, of course, there's one to test the replacement
bulb before the media arrive; one to get a spare in
case something happens to the first bulb; one to hold
the chair for the maintenance worker who will actually
do the changing; one to write a "home town" news
release about the maintenance worker; one to mail press
kits to reporters who missed the event; one to prepare
a report for top management explaining who attended and
what the event accomplished; one to study how a similar
event could be handled more efficiently in the future;
and, finally, one to work out the hours involved and
mail an invoice to the client.

Simple huh?

____Mój ulubiony zestawik- przysłany prosto z USA

[Gość: kasiaprim]

* HUMOR (Thanks to Steven M.)
These announcements were found in our different synagogues newsletters and
bulletins. Even spell check wouldn't have helped!...

Don't let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help.


Join us for our Oneg after services. Prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs

We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi
and Mrs. Abe Weiss.

Thursday at 5:00PM, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All
women wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the rabbi in his private
study.

The ladies of Haddassah have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be
seen in the basement on Tuesdays.

A bean supper will be held Wed. even. in the community center. Music will
follow.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the JCC. Please use the large double door
at the side entrance.

Rabbi is on vacation. Massages can be given to his secretary.

Mrs. Glodblum will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

The Men's Club is warmly invited to the Oneg hosted by Hadassah.

Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Rob, who are preparing for
the girth of their first child.

We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the
sanctuary All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward
and get a piece of paper.

If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you!

The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fundraising campaign slogan
this week: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

Make Me Feel Like A Woman.....

[Gość: woman]

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes
through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and
things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by
lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands
up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die,"
she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die,
I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is
there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a
WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten
their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the
desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man
stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous,
tall, built, with reddish-blond hair and hazel eyes, he
starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt





.....one button at a time.





......No one moves.






......He removes his shirt.





....Muscles ripple across his chest






.....he whispers:

















..."Iron this."