JOKES FROM COLONIES

[Gość: ROYAL]

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.
His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer
for? " "I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob. "Oh!" exclaims Doug,
"Good trade."

[Gość: ROYAL]

This Australian truck driver is looking for a long distance driving job in
Adelaide. He gets offered a job driving a load of bowling balls to Darwin.
He's not too keen on this , but he needs the money and so takes off. A while
along the highway he sees two Aborigines with a bike, in the middle of
nowhere. So he stops and asks if they would like a lift. They say OK. The
truck driver says, "All right, hop in, but you'll have to ride in the back."
A 100 km down the road he stops at a truck stop, which amongst other things,
involves a load inspection by the local cops. He is asked where he is off to
and he says "Darwin". The cops go round the back, open the doors, slam them
shut quickly and rush round desperately to the driver saying, "For Chrissake
get going to Darwin straight away and don't stop - - two of your eggs have
already hatched , and one of them has already stolen a bike"

[Gość: Z]

Jack McDonald from Inverary in Scotland is seen waiving bye-bye at the train
station on the night of his wedding.
-where are you going Jack?
-to the honeymoon
-whitout your wife?
-I married a widow, she already had one.

[Gość: Anza]

A farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over. The
cop asked the farmer, "Didn't you know it is against the law to ride with a pig
in the front of you truck?"

The farmer replied, "No, I didn't know that." The cop asked the farmer where he
was going and he said, "To Memphis".

The cop said, "I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the
pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis." So the farmer promised he would.

Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the
road and he pulled him over again. The cop said "I thought I told you to take
this pig to the zoo when you got to Memphis."

The farmer replied, "I did and we had so much fun, I taking him to Kings Island
now".

[Gość: Zsypek]

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with 'Once
Upon A Time'?"

He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If
elected I promise'."

[Gość: Zsypek]

Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter, and Bill Clinton are on the titanic. When it
starts to sink Carter yells, "Quick, save the women and children!"
Nixon: "Screw the women and children" Clinton: "Do we have time?"

[Gość: Zsypek]

A bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the god
damn, mother fucking Manager you cock sucking arse wipe." The waiter is
naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please
refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as
soon as I can."


The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken fucking manager
of this bastard joint?". "Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would
prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a
private restaurant".

"Fuck off!" replies the bloke. "And where's the fucking piano?"

"Pardon?" says the manager.

"Fucking deaf as well are we? You little piece of sniveling shit, show us your
pissing piano."

"Ahhhh," replies the manager. "You've come about the pianist's job," and shows
the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?"

"Of course I fucking can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring
and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.

"Why, that's superb, what's it called?"

"I want to fuck your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob,"
replies the pianist.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke
proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.

"Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?"

"I wanted a wank over the washin' machine but my bollocks got caught in the
soap drawer".

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, the
bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody.

"And what's this called?" asks the manager.

"As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-
piece," replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on
condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the
customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting
opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's
wearing an almost see through dress, her tits are almost falling out the top
and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her
arse. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on
asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin! It's too much for
the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'.
He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice...

"Where's that bloody pianist?"

He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano,
not having bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing
some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over
and whispers in his ear:

"Do you know your knob and balls are hanging out your trousers and dripping
spunk on your shoes?".

"Know it," the pianist replies, "I fucking wrote it!"