______________________Dowcipy angielskie

[Gość: kasiaprim]

- Why all the mammoths died out?
- Cause there weren't any 'daddoths' around.

[petter]

Moze zbyt prosty ale tylko ten zapamietalem.

Woman comes to the physician:
Doctor, everybody are ignoring me.
Next, Please!

Latwo bylo to zapamietac bo przeczytalem to na forum gazety:-)

pozd peter

dwoch panow w pociagu

[Gość: flip]

Dwoch panow siedzi w przedziale wagonu (oj, dawno to byc musialo...), nad nimi
na polkach dwa spore bagaze. Z jednego zaczyna kapac. Pan naprzeciwko podstawia
reke i wacha. 'Whisky "White Horse"?' - pyta. 'Nie - odpowiada drugi -
foksterier'.

To musialo byc w Anglii, bo Szkoci sa bardziej rozrzutni.

[ninna]

Uwielbiam te:

------------------------------

- What are you studying in collage now? - aked the mother of the son, who was
freshman.
- We have just taken molecules.
- That's fine. I hope you will like them. I have always tried to get your
father to wear one, but he could not keep it in his eye.

-----------------------------------------------------------

The professor rapped on his desk and shouted:
- Gentlemen! Order!
The entire class yelled:
- Beer!

-----------------------------------------------------------

- Aren't you afraid the hot climate of India might disagree with your wife?
- It wouldn't dare.

----------------------------------------------------------

NINNA

Dancing

[Gość: kasiaprim]

-Darling, you would be a marvellous dancer but for two things"
-What are they , sweetheart?
-Your feet!

[cumella]

Poniższy dowcip jest śmieszny w zasadzie wtedy, gdy się go słyszy, bo jego cały
komizm polega na różnicy w wymowie "stricte angielskiej" i "angielskiej-
australijskiej": "die" wymawiane przez Angola brzmi jak "day" wymawiane przez
australijczyka.

Austaralijczyk przyjeżdża do Anglii. W ciemnej ulicy napotyka na dwóch mocno
podchmielonych Angoli, którzy nie są do niego życzliwie nastawieni. Pytają:

- Did you come here to die?
- Not today, yesterday.

Dancing 2

[Gość: kasiaprim]

He: - I don't know, what's the matter. I have never danced so poorly before !
She:- Oh, then, you have danced before?

It'll be a puzzle for you:

[unikorn]

Where does Thursday come before Wednesday?

I have no idea...

[Gość: kasiaprim]

[Gość: flip]

All the Chukche people leaving Asia to Alaska across the Bering Straits on
Thursday must have encountered that, I guess.

[unikorn]

I'll solve this puzzle tomorrow.

(Or maybe there is someone, who would like to do guess?)

[da.killa]

unikorn napisał(a):

> Where does Thursday come before Wednesday?

w slowniku???

da.dictionary.killa

[unikorn]

Of course! In the dictionary!

You are the winner!
Congratulations!

Joke #1

[unikorn]

(maybe you know it from 'Jokes Forum' but here you have it in English)

During World War II, the German government sent two perfect spies to England.
They behaved like perfect Engishmen and they spoke perfect English, so they
were sure nobody would find out where they were from.
One day they went to a pub for a drink:
- 'Martini, please' - said the German spy.
- 'Dry?' - asked the bartender.
- 'Nein, zwei' - replied the German.

:)))

[Gość: kaha_org]

Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9.

[zamek]

How did the former Polish prime minister Pawlak learn
English?
Like this: 1 [łan], 2 [dwa łany], 3 [trzy łany]...

[Gość: ELVIZ]

Knock, knock!!!
Who's there???
Marry!!!
Who's Marry???
Marry Christmas!!!!

[Gość: Elviz]

A to coś w stylu stołu z powyłamywanymi nogami:

There are many sheeps on a ship.

:)

[aard]

She sits upon the sheets
It sheets she sits upon.

[blenda]

If a dog chews shoes, whoes shoes doeas he choose?


Four fine fresh fish for you.

[tulka]

I am not a pheasant plucker,
I am pheasant plucker's son
And I'm only plucking pheasants
Till the pheasant plucker comes.

Spróbujcie to szybko powiedzieć, mozna się zabawnie przejęzyczyć ;-)
Ten wierszyk powiedziała mi, wraz z anegdotką, koleżanka kończąca właśnie
filologię angielską. Jeden z jej nauczycieli (native speaker) podobno
postanowił nim kiedys zrelaksować uczestników prowadzonego przez siebie kursu
business english. No i panowie w garniturach i pod krawatami mówili "I am not a
pleasant fucker...Tfu!" ;-)

[aard]

Piękne Tulka :-))))

twister

[Gość: Ixtlilto]

I saw Susie sitting in a shoe shine shop.
Where she sits she shines, and where she shines she sits.

Denise sees the fleece,
Denise sees the fleas.
At least Denise could sneeze
and feed and freeze the fleas.

The thirty-three thieves thought that they thrilled the throne throughout
Thursday.

Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?

Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.

I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch
wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream!

How much wood could Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck, if Chuck Woods' woodchuck
could and would chuck wood? If Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck
wood, how much wood could and would Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck? Chuck Woods'
woodchuck would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as
any woodchuck would, if a woodchuck could and would chuck wood.

more: www.uebersetzung.at/twister/index.htm

greet's, Ixtlilto

[da.killa]

swiezutki cytacik z forum ”dowcipy”:

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans. Contrarily, the French have lots of fat in their diets
and also suffer fewer heart attacks than either the British or Americans.
Conclusion:
Eat whatever you want.
It's speaking English that kills you.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home. A local man was murdered in
his home over the weekend. Detectives found him face down in the bathtub. The
tub had been filled with milk and cornflakes, and a banana was sticking out of
his ass. Police suspect a cereal killer.

:)))))))

da.killa

________________________Da.FirstPrizeWinner.killla

[Gość: kasiaprim]

cudne

Reception-etiquette

[Gość: kasiaprim]

A Lady gave a reception to a group of college students.
Among those present was foreign student who has studied a book of etiquette.
Handed a cup of tea, he said:
"Thank you, sir or madam, as the case may be.'

PADEREWSKI

[Gość: kasiaprim]

-"You say your son plays the piano like Paderewski?"
-"Yes. he uses both hands!"

________________________________Singing

[Gość: kasiaprim]

"Did you hear about my singing?"
"Yes. What's your version?"

Fisherman's story

[kasiaprim]

Fisherman: "I'll tell you it was thaaaat long! I never saw such a fish!"
Friend: "I believe you"

______________________________Irish jokes

[Gość: kasiaprim]

"Hey"- said a new arrival in the pub,"I've got some great Irish jokes."
"Before you start " said the big man in the corner, "I'm warning you, I'm
Irish!"
"Don't worry," said the newcomer, "I'll tell them slowly"

[Gość: flip]

Jakbyscie przetlumaczyli:
"naked conductor ran along the train"?
:-)

[Gość: kasiaprim]

Gość portalu: flip napisał(a): > Jakbyscie przetlumaczyli: "naked conductor ran
along the train"? :-)

Nie zawiode Twych podstępnych oczekiwań i przetlumacze-NAGI DYRYGENT(!) PRZEBIEGL
WZDŁUŻ POCIAGU.

[Gość: flip]

Wiedzialem! Kasiaprim jest niezawodna!

______________________________FRENCH

[Gość: kasiaprim]

"Did You have any trouble with your French, when you were abroad?"
"No. But the French did"

[Gość: flip]

Dla ulatwienia mozemy doniesc, ze wyjeto to z tekstu, w ktorym akcja dziala sie
w poludniowo-wschodniej Anglii, a chodzilo o awaryjne zatrzymanie sie pociagu w
polu. :-)

____________________________Sunday School

[Gość: kasiaprim]

Sunday-school Teacher :"Can any little boy tell me what children go to heaven?"
Little boy: "Dead ones."

[Gość: kasiaprim]

Johny showed up with his head in bandages.
"How'd you come to get banged up?" asked his friends.
"You know that brown-eyed bebe on first floor whos husband is in jail?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he isn't"

When Queen Mom Died

[mofnet]

Excerpts from The Board of Remembrance:

--------------------------------------------

The Top all-time greatest TV goofs

[mofnet]

HARRY Carpenter commentating on the boat race: "Ahh,
isn't that nice? The wife of the Cambridge president is
kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's eclipse coverage
remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing
each other and he's come in his shorts."

HERE is Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and
his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the
Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny,
other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Ulrika Jonsson was a humble GMTV weathergirl talking
about snowfall when she revealed: "I had a good eight
inches last night."

TREVOR Brooking talking about David Beckham's groin
strain during the recent England v Germany match: "He's
certainly led by example this evening and his groin's
stood up superbly."

PETER Alliss on Rivero's golf drive: "Gosh, what an
enormous one for such a little chap!"

Lorraine Kelly on GMTV: "This year's hairstyle is
called a shag and our resident stylist is here to give
our model one."

CHRIS Tarrant was trying to help a female contestant
name a famous motor-racing commentator. The answer was
Murray Walker, so Chris said: "I'll give you a clue.
His name sounds like something hard that tastes good
when you suck it." "Ah," she replied. "It must be
Dickie Davies."

MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky
Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses
every chance he gets."

JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyres on
World Superbikes: "Colin had a hard one on in practice
earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Richard Whiteley asking Carol Vorderman to display a
word on Countdown: "Ah, 'erection', let's see it up
please Carol."

DAVID Dickinson, talking about an antique door-knocker
on Bargain Hunt, said to expert Nigel Smith: "You're a
bit of a knockers man." "Yes," he replied. "I've come
across quite a few in my time."

ARTHUR Negus was well impressed by two glass decanters
on the Antiques Roadshow. He told their attractive
owner: "That's the nicest pair I've seen in ages."

DURING a snooker match, Jack Karnehm remarked: "This is
a very difficult shot, he's only got one and a half
inches between his balls."

Lowri Turner discussing high heels on Looking Good:
"Some women will do anything for that extra three inches."

AFTER comparing real-life copper Ron Caddon to the
fictional cops in The Bill, TVam's Mike Morris summed
up: "We need more Rons to join our police force."

HERE is Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire
winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was
practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last
night."

WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey
Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look
between his legs and likes what he sees."

ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil
Redmond: "Well Phil,tell us about your amazing third leg."

BEATRICE Hillyer was discussing the availability of
fresh water in Baghdad when she informed TVam viewers:
"Just after the liberation, I was getting it twice a
day in my hotel room."

David Coleman: "That's the fastest time ever run, but
it's not as fast as the world record."

DURING the 1989 British Masters golf tournament,
commentator Richie Benaud observed: "Notices are
appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their
balls on the green."

CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham
v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe:
"With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look
North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage
inside you on a cold night like this."

Charlie Dimmock was helping Alan Titchmarsh with a tree
stake on Ground Force. "How far am I in?" he asked.
"About eight inches," Charlie replied. "I need a few
more inches than that ."

A MIND-blowing insight from tennis expert Pam Shriver:
"They don't come any quicker on the women's tour than
Sugiyama."

CAROL Baxter was trying to identify an apple when she
opined: "And this one tastes like Cox."

JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand
Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up
the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt
much better today after a 69."

STEVE Cram covering the men's 200 metres at the World
Athletics Championships: "Pumping away, Marlon Devonish
has got the Olympic champion inside him."

THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough
Scott's breath away. "My word," he said. "Look at that
magnificent erection."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys
prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have
four or five dreams a night about coming from different
positions."

CHAIN Letters host Allan Stewart was discussing a 6ft
5in contestant called Richard when he told two women
competitors: "That's enough Dick for both of you."

EXPERT David Batty was examining a bowl with a
pineapple-shaped lid on Antiques Roadshow when he
exclaimed: "This is the most magical, wonderful knob I
have ever seen."

SLIMMING expert Sally Ann Voak was talking about John
Suchet's belly when she said: "I'm sure you have a
little bulge down there John."

STEVE Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In The
Wild, told Trude: "There's something big growing
between my legs."

CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on
Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get
it."

BROUGH Scott: "And there's the unmistakable figure of
Joe Mercer...or is it Lester Piggott?"

DAN Maskell: "And here come the Gullikson twins, both
from Wisconsin."

old but still funny

[mofnet]

A bin man is going along a street picking up the wheely
bins and emptying them into his dustbin lorry. He gets
to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he
has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still
can't see it so he knocks on the door. There's no
answer so he knocks again. Eventually a little Japanese
bloke answers ...
'Harro'
'Alright mate, where's your bin?'
'I bin in the toilet'
'No mate, where's your wheely bin?'
'OK, I wheely bin having a wank'

professional joke

[mofnet]

Four professionals - an engineer, a chemist, an
accountant and a Management consultant - were all
boasting about how clever their dogs were.

The engineer said that his dog could do something
pretty impressive, so the others asked him to show them.
"Setsquare, come here" shouted the engineer,"do your
stuff."
The dog walked over, picked up a ruler and a pencil and
drew a perfect square on a piece of paper that was on
the floor. The others agreed that this was pretty
impressive.

The chemist also said that his dog was very
intelligent, and offered to show the others.
"Prescription, come here, do your stuff".
Prescription ran over and went to the fridge, where he
took out a bottle of milk. Then he took a 10 ml glass
and poured the milk into the glass, right up to the top
of the rim, without spilling any.

Again everyone thought this was pretty cool.
Then the accountant called his dog over. "Spreadsheet,
get to work".
Spreadsheet ran into the kitchen and brought out a box
of twelve cookies. He then opened the box and divided
the cookies into four equal piles of three cookies
each. The four professionals were suitably impressed.

They turned to the Management Consultant and said
"What can your dog do?"
The Management Consultant called his dog over.
"Wanker, come over here, get to work."
Wanker ambled over, drank the milk, ate the cookies,
dumped on the paper on the floor, shagged the three
other dogs, presented an invoice for two thousand
pounds, lit a cigar, got into a Jaguar and fucked off
down the pub.

italinano in a hotell

[ninna]

A letter comes to a hotel manager:

The manager Y.M.C.A.-hotel, LONDON
Roma 28 sept. 1981

Dear Signore Direttore.

Now I am tella you story wot I was a-treated at your hotella. I am a-comma from
Roma as a-younga christian man at your hotella. When I comma in my room I see
there is no shit in my bed - how can I sleep with no shit in my bed? So I calla
down to receptione and tella. "I wanta shit". They tella me : "Go to toilet". I
say : "No, no I wanta shit in my bed". They say : "You'd better not shit in
your bed, you sonna-wa-bitch".

What is sonna-wa-bitch?

I go down for breakfast into restorante. I order bacon and egga and two pissis
of toast. I getta only one piss of toast. I tella waitress, and point at
toast : "I wanta piss". She tella me : "Go to toilet". I say : "No,no, I wanta
piss on my plate". She then say to me : "You'd bloody wella not piss on
the plate, you sonna-wa-bitch". That is the second person who do not even know
me calla me "sonna-wa-bitch", and why is your staff replying "Go to toilet", is
that a modern tella? I do no understand, please tella me.

Later I go for dinner in your restorante. Spoon and knife is laid out, but no
fock. I tella waitress : "I wanta fock". And she tella me : "sure, everyone
wanta fock". I tella her : "No,no you do not understanda me, I wanta fock on
the table". She tella me : "So you sonna-wa-bitch wanta fock on the table?
Get your ass out of here !" How comma this christian hotel tella the guest
in such bed manner? So I go to receptione and ask for bill. I no
wanta stay in this hotel no more. When I have paid the a-billa, the portier say
to me : "Thank you, and piss on You". I say : "Piss on you too, you sonna-wa-
bitch, I now go back to Italy".

Direttore, I never gonna stay in your hotella no more, You sonna-wa-bitch.

Sincerely
Dicci Elgre'