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10.08.02, 18:52
Jewish Vocabulary
Goyim:
People who are Gentile. A polite term for anyone who doesn't love a good
bargain or as extra skin on his schmeckel*. (*see Putz)
Vay iz meer
An expression which closely resembles "Woe is Me", and is cried out by Jewish
mothers every 15 minutes. An anthem of true suffering.
Putz
The male reproductive member, primarily used for urinating and solitary
amusement. Larger than a schmeckel. Similar to a schmuck.
A common term for male in-laws.
Schmuck
Yet another term for the male member, most often used to describe a man with
an attitude of arrogant stupidity. Nice logic there, if you think about
it.ֳ‚ֲ A common term for former male in-laws and business partners.
Tattalah
An endearing term of love which means "little man". An emasculating term for
women to call men, if you think about it. But who has time to think.
Gefilte Fish
A tasty mix of congealed fish parts and transparent slime jelly. The only
food it is permissible for Jewish children to refuse. In some families, they
may even be allowed
to gag, but politely.
Chaleria
A derogatory term which best refers to a female business associate or a
mother-in-law. The closest English equivalent is "bitch".
Koorveh
A call-girl, or prostitute. A reference to the Russian Czar's wife at the
turn of the 20th Century, and to that flashy shiksa your nephew married.
Kugel
A yummy blend of overcooked noodles, raisins, and curds of ripe cheese. Not
fun to look at. When slathered with sour cream makes an excellent artery
hardener.
Borscht
A purple soup made from beets and ammonia. Often eaten by elderly Ashkenazic
Jews who slurp noisily and have protruding nose hair. Which is helpful,
because it stinks to high heaven.
K'naidlach
Also referred to as matzoh balls. Made with styrofoam and sponges. There
isn't a laxative in the world strong enough to counteract them.
Schmendrick
A man who messes things up, always loses and feels miserable. An unfortunate
asshole. Closely related to Schlemazel and Schlemiell. Every Jewish family
has at least one, often named Irving.
Schlemiell
A jerk who can't do anything right. In simple terms, someone who's always
spilling his soup.
Schlemazel
The poor dumb putz a Schlemiell is always spilling soup on.
Tsuris
A word referring to all problems, trouble, grief, aggravation and heartache.
Examples: daughter pregnant with child of an unemployed Catholic bartender,
adult son loses job and moves back home. Major Tsuris: Daughter and
baby "Bridget" move back home too.
Latkes
Potato pancakes fried in castor oil and lightly seasoned with balsa wood.ֳ‚ֲ
Smells like old boxer shorts.
Kin-a-hora
A gleeful rejoice used when Jewish parents find out their daughter is going
to marry the Jewish surgeon rather than that poor, unemployed goyishe
bartender.
JEWISH WISDOM
No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but then again, no one leaves with a
hangover either.
Why spoil a good meal with a big tip.
Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.
The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
If you don't eat, it will kill your mother and grandmother.
Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
Prune Danish is an acquired taste.
Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in
Chinese restaurants.
If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for
everyone else to hear.
No meal is complete without leftovers.
Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at
four in the afternoon.
Virtually all Jewish wisdom is somehow related to food.
Cultural Perspectiveֳ‚ֲ
The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."ֳ‚ֲ
The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have cognac."ֳ‚ֲ
The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."ֳ‚ֲ
The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."ֳ‚ֲ
The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."ֳ‚ֲ
The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."ֳ‚ֲ
