Gość: xyz
IP: *.internetdsl.tpnet.pl
03.06.06, 00:09
John Cleese Letter to America
urbanlegends.about.com/library/blrevocation_cleese.htm
Variant of 'Notice of Revocation of Independence' purportedly written by John
Cleese (Dec. 2004)
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure
to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does
not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for
the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need
for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look
up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how
wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in
words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing
more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the
letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix ize will be replaced
by the suffix ise. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is
pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh
as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up interspersed. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the
Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then
you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then
you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your
behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the
reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,upper-
class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how
to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as Taggart will no
longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you
must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of
the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American
States will become shires e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good
guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will not
be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't
cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen but
only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused
and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The
2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may
have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be
allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it
would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of
you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to
American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty
seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to
get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing
baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for
a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are
aware that there is a world beyond your borders,your error is understandable.
Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called
rounders, which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves,
collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be
allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable
peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle
potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a
vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All
road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving
on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,you will go metric with
immediate effect and conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help
you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of
you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of
a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The
traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and
flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea
made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled
for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer,and European brews of known and accepted provenance will
be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known as American Beer will
henceforth be referred to as Near-Frozen Knat's Urine,with the exception of
the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred
to as Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine. This will allow true Budweiser (as
manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen,Czech Republic) to be sold
without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline, as you will
be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former
USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the
Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon- get
used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without
