In English

[Gość: Charlie]

Woman comes to the physician:

-Doctor, everybody are ignoring me.

-Next, Please!

[ellivia]

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, Carrying a
bag of money.
She insisted that he must speak with the president of the bank to open a
savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her
into the president's office (the customer is always right)!

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She
replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his
desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this
cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash
around".

Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that
your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet.You can never win that
kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not
square!"

The old lady than said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money
involved, may I bring my lawyer with me
tomorrow at 10:00 A.M. as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a
long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to
side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure
that
there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the
bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 A.M., the little old lady appeared
with
her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the
president and repeated the bet" "$25,000 says the president's balls are
square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to
drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little
old
lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I
guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head
against the wall.

The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with
your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 A.M.
today, I'd have the Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

[Gość: Ralph]

Quite predictable...but still funny, anyway:)

[Gość: inka]

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!Osłabiło mnie!

[Gość: balbina]

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just
> waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at
> the
> table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!
>
> "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
>
> Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks
> into
> his big bowl. It is also empty!
>
> "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.
>
> Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen
> and
> yells,
>
> "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?
> It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke
> everybody
> else in the house up. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher
> from
> last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out
> into
> the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mummy Bear
> who set the table. It was Mummy Bear who put the
> cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food
> dish.
> And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your
> presence.... listen good because I'm only going to say this one more
> time... I haven't made the fucking porridge yet!!"

[Gość: Norman]

Just married couple during their honeymoon trip stands on the ship deck and
looks at the piece of land they pass. The wife asks:
- Is it India ?
- No, darling, I've just pulled it out.





[Kto nie zalapal - Is it India brzmi jak Is it in, dear ?]

[hanys_hans]

Joke contest at the eve of Lenin's 100 birthday:
3-d prize - 3 years in jail
2-d prize - 7 years in jail + a 5 year vacation in Siberia.
1-st prize - a meeting with the jubileer.


American style of risk:
Racing in cars. One out of ten cars has a bad engine.
Risk - a la France:
Unprotected sex with a group of women. One out of ten women in the group has
AIDS.
Russian style:
Telling political jokes to a group of ten people, one of whom is an informer. A
story-teller knows who the informer is, but tells his jokes anyway.
What is a bream?
-A whale that managed to swim to communism.

A speaker tells his listeners, "The communist ideal is already on the horizon."
The audience wonders quietly, "What IS a horizon?"
-Answer: an imaginary line where the sky comes together with the earth; it
moves off when you try to get closer.

Rabinowich works in the Kremlin. He sits on Spassky Tower and looks into the
distance in order to signal when he sees the communist ideal approaching.
Americans try to lure him to their side to help them predict when an economic
crisis is coming. Rabinowich, however, refuses their offer, insisting, "I need
a permanent job."

Is it true that under communism people could order food by phone?
-Yes, but the delivery was by TV.

Is it possible to build communism in Israel?
-Why would such a small country need such big happiness?

Is communism a science?
-No. If it were, they would've tried it on dogs first.

Why did Stalin wear knee boots while Lenin's were much shorter?
-Because during Lenin's time, Russia was polluted only up to ankle.

Someone asks a guide in hell: "Why does Hitler stand up to his neck in shit,
while Stalin is only up to his waist?"
-He answers, "Because Stalin is standing on Lenin's shoulders."

What has 40 teeth and 4 legs?
-A crocodile.
What has 4 teeth and 40 legs?
-The Central Committee of the Communist Party.

A husband caught his wife with a lover.
"If I weren't a Party member," the husband shouted to his wife, "I would have
broken your ribs and tossed you out of the window."
Lifting her hands to the sky, she answered,"Bless you and The Communist Party!"

"I disagree with the communists only on the agrarian issues," said
Rabinowich. "They want me to lie in the ground, which is precisely what I want
them to do."

Rabinowich was ostracized by The Communist Party. One night, he had a dream
that Israel declared war on Russia and won. He next saw Moshe Dajan on the top
of the Mausoleum, welcoming a demonstration of Russian Jews who yelled, "Reform
Rabinowich! Reform Rabinowich!"

A chairman asked Rabinowich why he skipped the last Party meeting.
-"I didn't know that meeting supposed to be the last one," he answered with a
grin of surprise.

"Rabinowich," a friend asked, "do you read communist newspapers?"
"Sure I do!" he responded. "How else could I learn what a happy life I lead?"

Television tells us that our country abounds in food, and yet my refrigerator
is empty. What's wrong with it?
Simple

[Gość: Larson]

No, ten to przynajmniej musi byc po angielsku, zeby mial sens. Pozostale
powyzej rownie dobrze moglyby byc po polsku. To dlaczego sa po angielsku? Kazdy
lubi posnobowac...

[ellivia]

-Knock, knock
-Who's there?
-Mary.
-Mary who?
-Marry Christmas.

[Gość: koti]

outdated, but still funny:
- Dear Radio Erevan ! What's the most beautiful city in USSR ?
- No doubt - Erevan
- Dear Radio Erevan ! How many nukes is needed to destroy Erevan?
- Moscow is also very beautiful...

[Gość: koti]

outdated, but still funny:
- Dear Radio Erevan ! What's the most beautiful city in USSR ?
- No doubt - Erevan
- Dear Radio Erevan ! How many nukes is needed to destroy Erevan?
- Moscow is also very beautiful...

[Gość: koti]

outdated, but still funny:
- Dear Radio Erevan! What's the most beautiful city in USSR ?
- No doubt - it's Erevan!
- Dear Radio Erevan ! How many nukes is needed to destroy Erevan?
- Moscow is also very beautiful...

[Gość: koti]

outdated, but still funny:
- Dear Radio Erevan! What's the most beautiful city in USSR ?
- No doubt - it's Erevan!
- Dear Radio Erevan ! How many nukes is needed to destroy Erevan?
- Moscow is also very beautiful...

[Gość: dlugopis]

Gun Shop Owner: "Hi, How can I help you?"
> Client: "I''m lookin'' for a gun."
> Owner:"What kind of gun are you lookin'' for?"
> Client: (pointing at the biggest handgun in the case): "That one looks about
right."
> Owner: (very surprised): " Why do you need a .44 magnum?"
> Client: "It''s for shootin'' at cans."
> Owner: (pointing at a small handgun): "Well, this is the perfect size
> for shooting at cans."
> Client: (pointing again at the .44): "Nah, I need this one."
> Owner: "OK, what kind a cans are you shooting at?"
> Client: "Mexi-cans.......Puerto Ri-cans........Afri-cans

[Gość: L & P]

One morning a man found a penguin oudside his front door.
He took the penguin to the police station, and the policeman told him to take the penguin
to the zoo.
So the man said OK, and off he went with the penguin.
Thet evening, the policeman saw the man with the penguin again, at a bus stop.
"Hey"

[szmatan]

kazdy to zna

[radzio_pl]

An American Jew and a Chinese are sitting next to each-other... both are quite
pissed...The the Jew starts:
- Eh, you- you bombed Pearl Harbour!
- Oh, it wasn't us- I'm Chinese- the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbour!
- Chinese, Japanese- all the same to me...
A few minutes lates the Chinese starts:
- You! You've sank Titanic!
- No!!! Titanic struck and iceberg and that's why it sank!
- Iceberg, Goldberg, Bluemberg- all the same to me...

[Gość: Anna M]

An airplane is flying when there is some engine trouble. The pilot decides to
reduce the weight of the plane, so he dumps all the luggage. It is all right
for a while, then the problems start again. He announces.
- Hallo ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. I'm afraid we have
some problems with the flight, we need to reduce our weight. Can you please
pass all your hand luggage to the cabin crew to be thrown overboard?
Everybody does so. Everything is fine for a while, then the problems start
again.
- Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. I am afraid we will have to lose
some passengers to save the plane. As we are a democratic country, we have to
do it a fair way - so we will do it alphabetically. Will all the Arabs, Black
and Chinese please jump off?

[Gość: Luki]

> As we are a democratic country, we have to do it a fair way - so we will do it
> alphabetically. Will all the Arabs, Black and Chinese please jump off?

Hey, guy, look at 'Americans'!

[Gość: Anna M]

This is a UK joke...

[radzio_pl]

Gość portalu: Anna M napisał(a):

> This is a UK joke...

Even better!!!
Will the Arabs, Black, Bloody Americans and Chinese...
;-)

[dreptak2k]

Nie jestem pewien, czy sie to tlumaczy na amerykanski.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no genitals?
Still no fucking idea.

[Gość: daag]

ale tak po prawdzie zeby ciagnac te dwuznacznosci to powinno chyba byc "still
no fuckin' no idea" (co oczywiście burzy ten dowcip)

[Gość: Aelirenn]

MAN.ZIP-expect a laugh when unzipped...

[Gość: leo]

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their
> professions.
> The first guy says:
> - I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional,
Peaceful,
> Intelligent, Ecologist.
> The second guy says:
> - I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know... Double Income, NoKids Yet.
> The third guy says:
> - I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker.
> They turn to the woman and ask her:
> - What are you? " She replies:
> - I'm a W.I.F.E., you know... Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.
>

[Gość: Anza]

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After
almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and
they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room,
but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for
$350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He
tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth
$350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists
on speaking to the manager.

The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an
Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the
husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of
the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New
York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager.

No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we
didn't use it!"

The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised
when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made
out for $100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my
wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

Misunderstanding:)

[Gość: kasia]

Misunderstanding:)

A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around
his neck: "Darling, I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're
going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but we must wait
until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the doorbell, because
the young couple haven't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a
month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric company.

"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"

"Absolutely."

"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull,
rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning.

"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?
What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do
is pay us."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut you off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

[Gość: M]

A moze znacie jakies tlumaczenia? Np.:
Wies zabita dechami => Village killed by desk.

[Gość: koti]

God said, "Go down into that valley."
And Adam said, "What's a valley?"
And God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river"
And Adam said "What's a river?"
And God explained it to him.

HE then said, "Go over the hill."
And Adam said, "What's a hill?"
And God explained it to him.

Then He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
And Adam said, "What's a cave?"
And God explained that to him and said,

"In the cave you will find woman."
And Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him,

And said "I want you to reproduce."
And Adam said, "How do I do that?"
So God explained it to him.

So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river, and over the
hill, and into the cave and found the woman, and in about five minutes he
was back.

God said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said, "What's a headache?

TEST YOUR PRONUNCIATION

[Gość: koti]

Try this simple test....
Can U pronounce proper English ?
Try this now ..............................
Wolf roof roof
woof wolf roof
woof woof wolf
woof woof roof
wolf roof roof
woof woof wolf
woof woof wolf
woof woof roof
> > Check your results below
> >
> >
> > .
> >
> > .
> >
> > .
> > .
> >
> > .
> >
> > .
> > TEST RESULT :
> > good dog .......
> >
> > Now stop BARKING and get back to work!

[Gość: Lexi]

Q:How to make a hormone?


A: Don't pay her!

[Gość: pw]

- My dog's got no nose!
- How does he smell?
- Awful!

[monikhha]

doctor walks into the bank. Preparing to endorse a check,

he pulls out a rectal thermometer from his shirt pocket

and tries to write with it. He pauses for a moment, realizes his mistake, then
looks up at the teller and says, "Well, that's great!

Just great! ....... Some asshole's got my pen."



---------------------------------------------------------------------

This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes
out and tell him that he has to leave for a while, and asks if he can handle
it. The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive
comments he finally agrees.



A few minutes later a white woman walks in and asks,



"How much for the white dildo?"



He answers, "$35."



She: "How much for the black one?"



He: "$35 for the black one, they are the same price."



She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before."



She pays him, and off she goes.



A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black
dildo?"



He: "$35."



She: "How much for the white one?"



He: "$35 for the white one also, they are the same price."



She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one
before..."



She pays him, and off she goes.



About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your
dildos?"



He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."



She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"



He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $150."



She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a
plaid one before...."



She pays him, and off she goes.



Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"



To which the salesman responded, "I think I did pretty good, I sold one white
dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $150!"