Humor angielski

[waldek.usa]

Paddy & the Three Pints




An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and
sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he
finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it
would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America,
the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we
promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank
together."

The bartender admitted that this is a nice custom.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He
orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and
fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the
bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer
my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then it occurs to him what's
happening. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

[pjezier]

Superowe, Masz coś więcej w oryginale?

pzdr.

[waldek.usa]

pjezier napisał:

> Superowe, Masz coś więcej w oryginale?
>
> pzdr.

No pewnie!




My Dear Watson



Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a
bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and
potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and
insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you tit. Some bastard has
stolen our tent."

[Gość: jjj]

pierwszy genialny drugi juz znalem ale dawaj dalej :))

[waldek.usa]

Paddy, Paddy & the Pig




Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.

When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol' mate, how we
gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"

Paddy says "Well Paddy, I'll cut one a ta' ears off my fookin pig, and ten we
can tell 'em apart"

"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

This worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy stormed into the
house.

"Paddy" he said "Your fookin pig has chewed the ear offa my fookin pig. Now we
got two fookin pigs with on one ear each. How we gonna tell who owns which
fookin pig?"

"Well Paddy" said Paddy "I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll av
two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear"

"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Again this worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy again stormed
into the house.

"Paddy" he said "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig.
Now we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears!"

"How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"

"Ah tis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy "I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut ta
tail offa my fookin pig, ten we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and
only one fookin tail."

"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Another couple of weeks went by, and you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the
house once more.

"PADDY!" shouted Paddy "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY
FOOKIN PIG AND NOW WE GOT TOW FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN
TAILS !! HOW THE FOOK ARE WE EVER GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM APART?!"

"Ah fook it!" says Paddy "How's about you have the black one, and I'll have the
white one."

[myshen82]

fantastyczne, zwlaszcza z Watsonem;)

[Gość: Palnick]

For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, "Son, we'd love to give you one, but the mortgage on this
house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her stinking job.

There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door
with his little suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where the hell are you going? "

Little Patrick told him,"I was walking past you and mummys room last night
and I heard you tell mummy you were pulling out.

Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and
no f**king bike to ride!"

[Gość: g]

g

[Gość: Palnick]

The Cinderella Story

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the
now departed Prince, she happily sat in her rocking chair watching the
world go by with her cat Alan. One afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared her
Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all
these years?"
The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good
wholesome life since we last met, have decided to grant you three wishes.

Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was overjoyed. "I wish I was extremely wealthy", she said.

Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Alan, her cat, jumped off
her lap and ran to the edge of the porch quivering with fear.

"Oh thank you Fairy Godmother," said Cinderella.
"Is there anything else you might wish for", asked the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I was young and
full of the beauty I once had."

At once, her wish was granted. Cinderella felt feeling inside her that
she had not felt for years.

The Fairy Godmother said, "you have one wish remaining, what shall you have?"
Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish for you
to turn Alan, my old cat, into a handsome young man."

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a change and then before them stood a young
man with the looks and body that no other man could match.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke "Congratulations Cinderella. Enjoy your new
life, and with that she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Alan looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most stunning, perfect man she had
ever seen.
Then Alan walked over to Cinderella and held her close in his muscular arms.
He leant in close to her ear and whispered in a warm breath,
"bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?"

[Gość: bryfok]

zajrzyjcie na www.leksyka.pl - tam jest fura różnych w oryginale (na dole po
prawej w części After hours)

rofl

[waldek.usa]

Gość portalu: bryfok napisał(a):

> zajrzyjcie na www.leksyka.pl - tam jest fura różnych w oryginale (na dole po
> prawej w części After hours)
>
> rofl


dzieki

[Gość: Palnick]

Beer Prayer

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager.
Forever and ever,
Barmen

[Gość: Pozor Vlak]

A oto przyśpiewka kibiców drużyna miejskich o kibicach drużyn wiejskich

Cannot read, cannot write
but it doesn't really matter
just because yu're Norwich, Norwich Norwich City fan
and you drive a tractor!

Zamiast Norwich może być cokolwiek, byle małe (Blacpool, Bury, Porsmouth,
Bristol)

[Gość: Palnick]

One day there were 10 would-be Catholic priests, going through the tests that
would make them ministers.

The final test required them to all strip butt-naked and stand
in a row with little bells attached to their ding-dongs, facing a beautiful
naked woman.

Well, lo and behold one of the bells went off, but when
it did, it fell to the ground. As soon as its owner bent over to pick it up,
all the 9 remaining bells sounded at once.

Yup. Nine more ordained priests added to the Catholic Church.

=)

[mihal_04]

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds.
As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which
was sat a rather plump and ugly woman.
"Shag me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On
this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye.
"Shag me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
"Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even slimmer female who, this time, was quite
attractive.
"Shag me or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. He realised it was
getting better as he went on, so on he went.
On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot.
"Shag me or climb the ladder to success," she flirted. Unable to imagine what
could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again.
When he reached the next cloud, there was an old fat bloke sat there. "Who are
you?" the man asked.
"Hello", said the fat bloke. "My name's Cess!"

[Gość: piecyk gazowy]

Dialog między Prezydentem Bushem a jego doradcą do spraw bezpieczeństwa
narodowego Condoleezą Rice napisany przez dramaturga z Chicago Jamesa Shermana
dla uczczenia objęcia przywództwa Komunistycznej Partii Chin przez Hu Jintao.

George W. Bush: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening?
Condoleezza Rice: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That’s what I want to know.
Condi: That’s what I’m telling you.
George: That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow’s name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya’ asking me for?
Condi: I’m telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I’m asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That’s the man’s name.
George: That’s who’s name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That’s correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me
the Secretary General of the UN on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don’t want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it. I could use a glass of milk. And then
get me the UN.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: No Yassir! The guy at the UN.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the UN?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the UN.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone! (Condi
picks up the phone).
Condi: Rise here.
George: Rise? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls. May be we should send some
to the guy in China. And the Middle East.

By James Sherman – Playwrights Ensemble of Victory Gardens Theater in Chicago.

Humor Irola(z Belfastu)

[keltoi]

>>There was a construction and there were three men working - an irish Paddy, a
scottish Paddy and an english Paddy. On their lunch brake they used to sit on
one of the windows on the highest floors of the building and have their
sandwiches.
One day they open the lunchboxes and the conversation goes like this:
irish Paddy:"Sausage. Sausage and sausage again...If I'll have a sausage
sandwich one more time, I'll throw myself down..."
scottish Paddy:"Cheese. Cheese and cheese again...If I'll have cheese sandwich
one more time, I'll threow myself down..."
english Paddy:"Cold ham.Cold ham and cold ham again...If I'll have cold ham
again, I'll throw myself down.."
The next day they all meet as usual, open the boxes and the conversation goes...
irish Paddy:"Sausage. Sausage and sausage again...If I'll have a sausage
sandwich one more time, I'll throw myself down..."
scottish Paddy:"Cheese. Cheese and cheese again...If I'll have cheese sandwich
one more time, I'll threow myself down..."
english Paddy:"Cold ham.Cold ham and cold ham again...If I'll have cold ham
again, I'll throw myself down.."
Another day comes, they all meet as usual.
Irish Paddy opens the box, yells and jumps down.
Scottish Paddy opens the box, yells and jumps down.
English Paddy opens the box, yells and jumps down.
As they worked together, they are buried on the same cementary, righy besides
one another. Three wives are crying upon their husbands and weep:
Irish Paddy's wife:"I don't know how could it happened. If he told me, I would
have made him different sandwiches..."
Scottish Paddy's Wife::"I don't know how could it happened. If he told me, I
would have made him different sandwiches..."
English Paddy's wife::"I don't know how could it happened. He had always made
the sandwiches himself..."<<
Kocham to...:D

[Gość: Palnick]

– Hello, are you there?
– Yes, who are you please?
– I’m Watt.
– What’s your name?
– Watt’s my name.
– Yes, what’s your name?
– My name is John Watt.
– John what?
– Yes, are you Jones?
– No, I’m Knott.
– Will you tell me your name then?
– Will Knott.
– Why not?
– My name is Knott.
– Not what?
– Not Watt, Knott.
– What?

[waldek.usa]

Girlfriend 1.0, Can you help?
Can anyone help with this software problem my friend is experiencing?

Eighteen months ago he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which
he'd used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently
conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run
Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other
applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and Playboy 6.1.
Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware beta-program,
Party Girl 2.1 had many bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to
shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually he tried to run Girlfriend
1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two
systems detected each other they caused severe damage to all his hardware.

Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover that this
product has to be upgraded to Wife 1.0. He did this largely because, whilst
Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex
Plus and Cleanhouse 2000. However my friend discovered that Wife 1.0 can be
very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes he made were
automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted, they then
resurfaced months later. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-
mail porn filter, and can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip.
These latter products have no helpfiles and he has to try and guess the problem
himself.

Additional costly problems are that the Wife 1.0 bundle that came with the
original system needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser Pro for
new attachments and Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled every other week.
It also conflicted with some of the new games he wanted to try, stating that
they are an illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to his Audi TT
programme it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather
annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which can't be turned off.

Recently he's been tempted to try Mistress 2000, but there could be problems,
if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000 it will delete all MS Money
files before un-installing itself.

Tough one? Any suggestions???

[Gość: Nobody]

Nobody is perfect!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
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>
My name is Nobody!

[Gość: piecyk gazowy]

Stare, ale...

Knock, knock!
- Who' that?
- Mary?
- Mary who?!
- Merry Christmas!

[Gość: Palnick]

Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide.
>
One says to the other, "I'm sorry - I was looking for my wife."
>
"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."
>
"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"
>
"She's tall, with long hair, long legs, firm boobs and a tight ass.
>
What's your wife look like?!!!"
>
"Never mind, let's look for yours!"