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10.02.03, 12:00
THE AMERICAN'S GUIDE TO FRANCE:
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated
in the continent of Europe.
It is an important member of the world community, though
not nearly as important as it thinks.
It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some
smaller nations of no particular importance and
with not very good shopping.
France is a very old country with many treasures, such
as the Louvre and Euro Disney.
Among its contributions to western civiliZation are
champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine.
Although France likes to think of itself as a modern
nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next
to impossible for Americans to get decent Mexican food.
One continuing exasperation for American visitors is
that local people insist on speaking in French, though
many will speak English if shouted at.
Watch your money at all times.
THE PEOPLE
France has a population of 57 million people. 52
million of these drink and smoke (the other 5 million
are small children).
All French people drive like lunatics, are dangerously
over sexed, and have no concept of standing patiently
in line.
The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental,
proud, arrogant, aloof and disciplined; those are their
good points.
Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you
would hardly guess it from their behavior.
Many French are communists.
Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie or Michel,
and they kiss each other when they meet.
American travelers are advised to travel in groups and
wear baseball caps and colorful trousers for easier
recognition.
SAFETY
In general, France is a safe destination, although
travelers must be aware that from time to time it is
invaded by Germany.
Traditionally, the French surrender immediately.
A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the
English Channel has been opened in recent years
to make it easier for the French government to
flee to London during future German invasions, and for
them to offload all their illegal immigrants.
HISTORY
Charlemagne discovered France in the Dark Ages.
Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the
Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de
Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an
airport.
GOVERNMENT
The French form of government is democratic but
noisy. Parliament's principal occupation is setting off
atomic bombs in the South Pacific and acting indignant
and surprised when other countries complain.
According to the most current American State department
intelligence, the President is now someone named
Jacques. Further information is not available at this
time.
CULTURE
The French pride themselves on their culture,
though it is not easy to see why. All their music
sounds the same and they have never made a movie that
you would want to watch for anything but the nude
scenes.
CUISINE
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it,
a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back.
Croissants on the other hand, are excellent, although
it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this
word. In general, travelers are advised to stick to
cheeseburgers.
ECONOMY
France has a large and diversified economy, second only
to Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because the
French hardly work at all.
If they are not spending four hours dawdling over
lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with
their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports,
in order of importance to the economy, are wine,
nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne,
guns, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack
aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.
PUBLIC HOLIDAYS
France has more holidays than any other nation in the
world. Among It's 361 national holidays are:
197 Saints' days,
37 National Liberation Days,
16 Declaration of Republic Days,
54 Return of Charles de Gaulle-in-triumph-as-if-he-won-the-
war-single-handed Days,
18 Napoleon-sent-into-Exile-Days,
17 Napoleon-Called-Back-from-Exile-Days,
and
2 "France is Great and the Rest of the World Stinks" Days.
CONCLUSION
At least it's not Germany.
