Na wesoło

10 przykazań - najnowsza wersja ;P

[aniek133]

> > RYDZYK
> >
> >
> >
> > Jam jest Ojciec Rydzyk twój, który cię wywiódł na plagi
> egipskie, w radio głupoli:
> > 1. Nie będziesz miał Radiów cudzych poza moim.
> > 2. Nie będziesz odbierał Radia mego bez opłaty.
> > 3. Pamiętaj, aby w dzień święty rentę przysłać.
> > 4. Czcij Ojca swego i Rozgłośnię swoją.
> > 5. Nie zagłuszaj.
> > 6. Nie cudzosłysz.
> > 7. Nie przestrajaj.
> > 8. Nie unikaj fałszywego świadectwa na antenie mojej.
> > 9. Nie pożądaj Maybacha Ojca Dyrektora swego.
> > 10. Ani żadnej kasy, która Jego jest.
> > Będziesz wspierał Ojca Dyrektora z całego serca swego, z całej
> duszy swojej, z całej renty swojej i ze wszystkich sił swoich, a
> Rozgłośnię Jego jak siebie samego.

Moses?

[mgna]

Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips,
President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair, wearing a white robe and
sandals, and holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has
anyone told you that you look like Moses?"

The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead.

The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.

The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the president.

The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed
man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you?"

The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.

"Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and
stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!" Again the president
yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.

The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and
whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"

The man leaned over and whispered back, "Yes, I am Moses. However, the last
time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up
leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East where there is no
oil."

The Saint

[mgna]

George Bush was scheduled to visit the Methodist Church outside Washington.
Bush's campaign manager visits the Bishop, and says, "We've been getting a lot
of bad publicity among Methodists because of our position on stem cell research
and the like. We'd gladly make a contribution to the church of $100,000 if
during your sermon you'd say that the President is a saint."

The Bishop thinks it over for a few moments and finally says, "The church needs
funds so I'll do it."

Bush pompously shows up looking especially smug. The sermon progresses

Psychology 101: The Bathtub Test

[mgna]

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this
should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the
criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a
bed near the window?"/*

Divorced Barbie

[mgna]

Ten mi sie podoba, cos na styl Ivana Trump "Don't get even, get EVERYTHING":

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that he
hadn't gotten his daughter'sbirthday present. He pulls over to a toy store and
asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?" The
salesperson answers, "Which one? We have: Work out Barbie for $19.95,
Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95
Divorced Barbie for $265.95. The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced
Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?" The salesperson annoyingly
answers : "Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's
Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and...one of Ken's Friends.

British Intelligence

[mgna]

Osama Bin Laden himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own
handwriting, to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded
message:* 370HSSV-0773H

* Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had
no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI,
so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help.
Within a few minutes MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply "Tell the
President he's holding the message upside down!"

Brian

[mgna]

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he
often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave
a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man
standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my
bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live
for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back
straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can
only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he
asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in
feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought
until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster
strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your
first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like
I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an
egg before".

"Never" replies Brian "Well just relax and let it happen" And so he did and
after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.
An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of
him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he
knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened
to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an
enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting, "Brian,
wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed"

The chauffeur

[mgna]

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo (and he
doesn't travel light) the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the
curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat,
so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the
Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something
should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that
morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. Reluctantly, the
driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver
quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff
floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope
keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna
lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the
cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the
radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "The Pope is his chauffeur!!"

Modern Combat

[mgna]

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Basra, Iraq when they came upon an
Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the
road was an American Marine in similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the
squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway
here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and
both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam
Hussein is a miserable, lowlife, scumbag, and he yelled back that Senator Ted
Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, left wing liberal and a fat drunk."

So I said that "Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean spirited
bitch!" He retaliated by yelling, "Oh, yeah? Well so does Hillary Clinton!"

"And, there we were, standing in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a
truck hit us."

An Ironic Juxtaposition...

[mgna]

This year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address fall on nearly
the same day. As Air America Radio pointed out, "It is an ironic
juxtaposition: One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a
creature of little intelligence for prognostication, and the other involves a
groundhog."

Pojawiła sie Mgna i zrobiło sie wesoło :) n/t

[lee.loo]

[hopplik]

to cała opowieść, mam nadzieję że uda się ją dobrze przekazać
mój znajomy japończyk, Takumi do uk przyjechał marnie władając angielskim,
zamieszkał z angielską rodziną, by braki szybko nadrobić
jego gospodarze postanowili wybrać się na kilka dni do Paryża więc Takumi sam
został. w tym czasie odezwała się znajoma właścicieli domu, owa przyjaciółka
istnienia Takumiego ani o wyjazdu do Paryża się nie spodziewała. Takumi odebrał
telefon i z 'wdziękiem' usiłował pogawędzić z nieznajomą. Ona troszeczkę
zdezorientowana, ponownie poprosiła do telefonu panią domu. Takumi chciał
udzielić wyczerpującej informacji na temat gospodarzy i wypalił : They've
passed away. Po drugiej stronie słuchawki zdenerwowana angielka podniesionym
głosem zapytała: who are you? Na to Takumi: I'am the gost. No i wielka afera
się zrobiła z tłumaczenia, że wakacje sobie zrobili a on jest gościem. Od tego
incydentu nauka angielskiego poszła mu błyskawicznie, co sam podkreślał
zaśmiewając się do łez z całej historii.

[mgna]

Super simeszna historyjka :)

[robak.rawback]

no ten japonczyk to bylo super,

a ja zapodam taki kawalek:

Przychodzi lokaj do hrabiego i mowi:
- Hrabio, moze podam obiad?
- Bez sensu...
- To moze hrabio pojdziemy na spacer?
- Bez sensu...
- No to moze opowiem zagadke?
- Dobra, niech bedzie...
- Hrabio, co to jest: "owlosione i wchodzi do dziury?"
- Chuj.
- A nie, bo mysz!
- Mysz? W cipie? Bez sensu ...

[mgna]

Ale paskudnie smieszny kawal :)

Polska in brief ;)

[hopplik]

na dole strony tytułowej
www.chomiks.com
znajdziecie zawsze aktualne i niecenzurowane info z Polski

Humorek dla tych ktorzy siedza w finansach w Angli

[mgna]

I'm thinking of altering my terms of business and disclaimers at the end of my
emails. Here's one some fellow IFA has suggested we adopt industry-wide:


Disclaimer:

I did not mean whatever I said in the way you took it if it does not work out.
I did mean it as you took it however if it does work out, even if you didn't
hear me say it.

If I failed to mention something to you which later turns out to be important
and you suffer loss, I accept no responsibility because unbeknown to you I
didn't mention it on purpose for reasons that even now are too confidential to
disclose to you and by not mentioning it I have in fact saved you from a far
worse fate, but am unable to discuss it.

If you follow my advice then that is your decision and if this leads to loss
then that was your risk, in all respects, whether written, implied, guaranteed
or seen in the tealeaves of the drink you had in my office. The same applies if
you had coffee or water, relating instead to marks you may not even have seen
at the time let alone recall clearly a decade or so later.

I am a Financial Adviser but am not as psychic as you will be told in print I
should have been in decades to come.

I can not foresee what disasters the Government of the day can create during
their term of office, nor its effect on the markets and can therefore not
accept any liability, whether from direct or indirect actions or non-actions,
for anything that occurs after this point in time as we firmly believe in the
chaos theory and no matter what you do or do not do it will go wrong for you
and no-one else.

You will feel and you will try to blame us even if the aliens forget to remove
your anal probe making you into an ignoramus when recalling facts later in your
life.

Whatever you do you must realise that if it goes wrong the Government and media
will blame me, but if it goes right the media will claim credit and the
Government will claim most of your gains in one or more forms of taxation.

Tax may be a temporary measure and is ONLY in existence to fund the Napoleonic
war, however no-one can confirm that the Napoleonic war has finished for good
so Tax continues but its shape and form will always adapt to cover whatever you
do that results in a gain, however it will not cover anyone in the same way as
the Kings Clothes did not cover him should your wife, husband or lover decide
to do a Lady Godiva and ride naked through the streets of Coventry or elsewhere
11th Century style to reduce tax.

We do not create the rules nor necessarily agree with them but we alone must
abide by them, even those written retrospectively - notwithstanding my rights
contained in the entire content of this disclaimer - have a nice day.

D'you think the FSA will let me get away with it?

:-)

Church Bulletin Bloopers

[mgna]

They're Back!Church Bulletin Bloopers: Thank Goodness for church ladies with
typewriters.These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were
announced in church services:


*********************
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary
Methodist.Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

* * * * * * * * * * *
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

* * * * * * * * * *
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon
tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

* * * * * * * * * *
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation
hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

* * * * * * * * * *
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.It's a chance to get rid of those things
not worth keeping around the house.Don't forget your husbands.

* * * * * * * * * *
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

* * * * * * * * * *
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.Smile at someone who
is hard to love.Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

* * * * * * * * * *
Don't let worry kill you off......let the Church help.


* * * * * * * * * *
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.

* * * * * * * * * *
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.

* * * * * * * * * *
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.They need all the help they
can get.

* * * * * * * * * *
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions.She is also having trouble sleeping.She has requested tapes of
Pastor Jack's sermons.

* * * * * * * * * *
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing "Break Forth Into Joy."

* * * * * * * * * *
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church and so
ends a friendship that began in their school days.

* * * * * * * * * *
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will
follow.

* * * * * * * * * *
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come
early and listen to our choir practice.

* * * * * * * * * *
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new
members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

* * * * * * * * * *
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

* * * * * * * * * *
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you
want remembered.

* * * * * * * * * *
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

* * * * * * * * * *
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.

* * * * * * * * * *
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

* * * * * * * * * *
The ladies of the Church have cast-off clothing of every kind. Theymay be seen
in the basement on Friday afternoon.

* * * * * * * * * *
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park acrossfrom the
Church.Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

* * * * * * * * * *
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

* * * * * * * * * *
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him
their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

* * * * * * * * * *
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.Please usethe back
door.

* * * * * * * * * *
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use
large double door at the side entrance.

* * * * * * * * * *
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last
Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

kawal dla mam i nie tylko

[robak.rawback]

Mówi żona do męża
- Poznajesz człowieka na fotografii?
- Tak.
- OK, dzisiaj o 16.00 odbierzesz go z przedszkola

--------------------------------------------------------------------
Do drzemiącego na kanapie, okrutnie skacowanego ojca, podchodzi mały Jasio.
-Tatku, o co chodzi w tym szóstym przykazaniu?
-Nie pie*dol synku...
-O, dzięki, jednak dobrze kojarzyłem.

A true dog story

[mgna]

A blind man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. The plane had a layover
in Sacramento. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and
if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in
one hour. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind.
Another man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was
blind because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of
him throughout the entire flight. He could also tell he had flown this very
flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name,
said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for an hour, would you like to get off and
stretch your legs?

"The blind man replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch
his legs."

Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill
when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye
dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only
tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines! True
story....Have a great day and remember...

Things aren't always as they appear.

Late Night Commentary on Dick Cheney the Sportsman

[mgna]

"The Late Show With David Letterman" (CBS)


"Good news ladies and gentleman, we have finally located weapons of mass
destruction...It's Dick Cheney."


* * *


"We can't get Bin Laden, but we nailed a 78-year-old attorney."


* * *


"Honestly, I don't know what all of the fuss is about. What's more American
than shooting your hunting buddy in the ass?"


* * *


"The guy who got gunned down is a Republican lawyer and a big Republican donor
and fortunately the buck shot was deflected by wads of laundered cash. So he's
fine. He took a little in the wallet."


* * *


From "Cheney's Excuses," Monday night's Top 10 list: "I thought the guy was
trying to go gay cowboy on me."


"The Daily Show With Jon Stewart" (Comedy Central)


A partial transcript:

Jon Stewart: "Yes, as you've just heard, a near-tragedy over the weekend in
south Texas. Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail
hunt at a political supporter's ranch. Making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the
first person shot by a sitting VP since Alexander Hamilton.

"Hamilton, of course, shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor,
integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird.


* * *


The other player in the drama? Ranch owner and eyewitness Katharine Armstrong.

Katharine Armstrong: "We were shooting a covey of quail. The vice president and
two others got out of the car to walk up the covey."

Jon Stewart: "What kind of hunting story begins with getting out of your car?
As I sighted the great beast before us, my shaking hands could barely engage
the parking brake. Slowly, I turned off the A/C and silenced my sub-woofers…"


* * *


Katharine Armstrong: "A bird flushed. The vice president took aim at the bird
and shot and unfortunately, Mr. Whittington was in the line of fire and got
peppered pretty well."

Jon Stewart: "Peppered. There you have it. Harry Whittington, seasoned to
within an inch of his life.


* * *


Jon Stewart: "I'm joined now by our own vice-presidential firearms mishap
analyst, Rob Corddry. Rob, obviously a very unfortunate situation. How is the
vice president handling it?

Rob Corddry: "Jon, tonight the vice president is standing by his decision to
shoot Harry Wittington. According to the best intelligence available, there
were quail hidden in the brush. Everyone believed at the time there were quail
in the brush.

"And while the quail turned out to be a 78-year-old man, even knowing that
today, Mr. Cheney insists he still would have shot Mr. Whittington in the face.
He believes the world is a better place for his spreading buckshot throughout
the entire region of Mr. Whittington's face."

Jon Stewart: "But why, Rob? If he had known Mr. Whittington was not a bird, why
would he still have shot him?"

Rob Corddry: "Jon, in a post-9-11 world, the American people expect their
leaders to be decisive. To not have shot his friend in the face would have sent
a message to the quail that America is weak."

Jon Stewart: "That's horrible."

Rob Corddry: "Look, the mere fact that we're even talking about how the vice
president drives up with his rich friends in cars to shoot farm-raised wingless
quail-tards is letting the quail know 'how' we're hunting them. I'm sure right
now those birds are laughing at us in that little 'covey' of theirs.

Jon Stewart: "I'm not sure birds can laugh, Rob."

Rob Corddry: "Well, whatever it is they do...coo .. they're cooing at us right
now, Jon, because here we are talking openly about our plans to hunt them. Jig
is up. Quails one, America zero.

Jon Stewart: "Okay, well, on a purely human level, is the vice president at
least sorry?"

Rob Corddry: "Jon, what difference does it make? The bullets are already in
this man's face. Let's move forward across party lines as a people...to get him
some sort of mask."


"Jimmy Kimmel Live" (ABC)


Among the jokes in consideration for Monday's telecast:

"It's part of the president's new Social Security plan. Once you hit 78,
kablamo."


* * *


"Luckily, the guy he shot was wearing the body armor that never got shipped to
the troops."


* * *


"You know what they say, if Dick Cheney comes out of his hole and shoots an old
man in the face, 6 more weeks of winter."


"The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" (NBC)


"Although it is beautiful here in California, the weather back East has been
atrocious. There was so much snow in Washington, D.C. Dick Cheney accidentally
shot a fat guy thinking it was a polar bear."


* * *


"When people found out he shot a lawyer his popularity is now at 92%"

* * *


"After he shot the guy, he screamed, 'Anyone else want to call domestic wire
tapping illegal?' "


* * *


"Something I just found out today about the incident. Do you know that Dick
Cheney tortured the guy for a half hour before he shot him?"


* * *


"Cheney's defense is that he was aiming at a quail when he shot the guy. Which
means that Cheney now has the worst aim of anyone in the White House since Bill
Clinton."

A Valentine's Day Wish

[mgna]

DADDY’S LITTLE GIRL - A VALENTINES’S WISH!

Little Thelma comes home from first grade and tells her father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "...and, since Valentine's Day is
for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for
giving someone a valentine?"

Thelma's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad.
Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have
enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're
not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. If other kids saw
what I did and then they sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot.
Then he'd start going all over the place and tell everyone how much he loved
them, and how he didn't hate anyone, anymore.

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.

"Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Thelma says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines
could blow the shit out of him."

zdejmowanie butów

[effata]

Mój wątek o zdejmowaniu butów został już zarchiwizowany, a zresztą nie cieszył
się zbyt dużym powodzeniem (chlip, chlip). Ale że pojawił się link na głównej
stronie gazety, to przeczytałam i znalazłam taki opis. Moim znaniem bomba
(gościu pisze na Polonii):
*********************
• Fenomen polskiego kapcia
klient.z.comcast.tx 21.10.05, 06:23 + odpowiedz


Tak mi sie zebralo na reminiscing. W Polsce wszyscy nosili KAPCIE. Pamietam
jak dzis. Nie wolno chodzic na boso po domu bo sie przeziebisz. Jak sie szlo
do kogos z wizyta od drzwi proponowano ci kapcie. Czesto ludzie mieli cale
szafy wstretnych, smierdzacych, dziurawych, zagrzybialych, wspolnych kapci w
domu. Jak sie powiedzialo ze nie dziekuje, to wrecz na sile wciskali na nogi
gosciowi te obrzydliwe trepy. Najlepsze byly imieniny. Ciocia Ziuta
wymalowana, oblana perfumami pod niedomyte pachy, ubrana w wyjsciowa sukienke
wkraczala do pokoju goscinnego w zaduzych meskich papuciach, a wujek Rysiek w
niedzielnym garniturze towarzyszyl u jej boku w dzierganych na szydelku
cizemkach o kolorze trudnym do opisania. Nawet jeszcze jako gowniarz w Polsce
dzialalo mi to na nerwy. Te wygrzebywanie kapci ze smierdzacych szafek w
korytarzu. Znalezienie pary to byl juz niezly wyczyn. To byly czasy. Czy ta
tradycja jest jeszcze przestrzegana w Polsce??? A moze jest jeszcze jakis
kraj w ktorym noszenie kapci jest tak swiecie przestrzegane??? Ironiczne jest
to ze w Ameryce nosi sie w domu buty, ale mozna spokojnie przejsc sie w
pogodny dzien around the block w bialych skarpetkach bez wiekszego damage'u.
Bedac w Polsce na wizycie jakies 12 lat temu, zauwazylem ze chodzenie po domu
w bialych skarpetkach bez kapci sprawia iz na koncu dnia mozemy spokojnie
zdjac owe skarpetki i postawic je w przedpokoju bez zadnej szansy odprania
sztywnych niby-podeszw ktore uformowaly sie na ich spodzie. Ale jaja. Czy
ktos ma podobne doswiadczenia/spostrzezenia? Piszcie rodacy, jak to jest z
tymi kapciami.
***********************************
--
Don't guess.

o znajomości języków przez Anglików

[jagienkaa]

właśnie wyczytałam w the Independent:
"if you know three languages, you're trillingual. If you know two - you're
billingual. If you know one, you're English":)

Watch this juggler

[mgna]

Jerry Seinfeld can do it. Tony Bennett can do it. And, Marcel Marceau can do
it. Each can totally entertain you with their pure God given talent. That's
what Chris Bliss is about to do for you and he'll do it with his hands, three
juggling balls, and an imagination that speaks from his heart.

This amazing video is actually the juggling finale to his comedy performance.
Close the door, turn off your phone, crank up your speakers, and enjoy the show.

Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the world class juggling of CHRIS BLISS.....
marketplace.espeakers.com/flavplayer_content.php

Political Satire - worth watching...

[mgna]

www.wimp.com/bushcomedy/

[pati.zop78]

This video does not worked when linked to directly.

podaj link do strony

[mgna]

URL jest: marketplace.espeakers.com/movie.php?sid=5290&aid=10558

Wirus niszczący twarde dyski

[hanula]

Zdjęcie wirusa tutaj:
www.amsoft.com.pl/wirus.jpg

:)

[ebola_zaire]

Bush i Blair - Piosenka o miłości

www.maxior.pl/?p=index&id=11223&8
"Atak klonów"

www.maxior.pl/?p=index&id=12015&8
Oba link-i koniecznie z dzwiekiem

Pozdr

pl.rec.humor.najlepsze

[hanula]

Nie wiem, czy korzystacie z usenetu, czyli z grup dyskusyjnych. Jedną z moich
ulubionych jest grupa pl.rec.humor.najlepsze (prhn), na którą ludzie przesyłają
- as per nazwa - najweselsze posty z wszelkich innych grup dyskusyjnych. Prhn
jest moderowana, więc co jakiś czas rzutem na taśmę pojawia się nowy pakiet
kilkudziesięciu postów. Właśnie dziś moderatorka wrzuciła nową partię, więc jak
zwykle leżę i kwiczę ze śmiechu.
Prhn na Gazecie:
usenet.gazeta.pl/usenet/0,48200.html?group=pl.rec.humor.najlepsze

mól książkowy

[hanula]

Filmik do obejrzenia:
home.elka.pw.edu.pl/~mgrabcza/mol_ksiazkowy.wmv

(Z góry uprzedzam, że w FireFoksie nie chciał mi się otworzyć, musiałam odpalić IE)

choc to chyba wszyscy juz znaja :)

[tuti]

bash.org.pl/
hihihihihiihiihi :)

[effata]

Nonsensopedia
--
Don't guess.

C'est la vie... (From the reality is stranger than

[mgna]

To paraphrase the Rolling Stones, "You can't always get what you want, but if
you try real hard...", you can lift yourself up and leave the room.

Shortcut to: news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/4840160.stm (for the original
web page)

Chirac upset by English address

President Chirac is a proud defender of his native language
French President Jacques Chirac showed his temper at the EU summit when a
French business leader addressed delegates in English. He stormed out of a
session when Ernest-Antoine Seilliere said he chose English "because that is
the accepted business language of Europe today".

Mr Chirac told reporters on Friday he was "deeply shocked" that a Frenchman
chose to address the summit in English.

Protectionism has emerged as a hot topic at the Brussels summit.

Mr Chirac's protest came when Mr Seilliere, the French president of the
employers' association UNICE, said he would address the meeting in English.

Business language

According to a French official, Mr Seilliere was interrupted by Mr Chirac,
who asked him in French why on earth he was speaking English.

He replied that English was the working language of that particular session
and the accepted business language of Europe today.

Mr Chirac, Foreign Minister Philippe Douste-Blazy and Finance Minister Thierry
Breton left the room.

Mr Chirac returned to hear the French president of the European Central Bank,
Jean-Claude Trichet, address the leaders in French.

He later explained his actions, saying: "France has great respect for its
language.

"It has been fighting for a long time to establish the presence of the French
language - whether it be at the Olympic Games, where it was contested for a
while, whether it be in the European Union, or at the United Nations."

He added: "Faced with the efforts that we are making constantly, particularly
within the European Union... I must say that I was deeply shocked to see a
Frenchman speak at the council in English. That is the reason why the French
delegation and I left, rather than have to listen to that."

French pride

It is not the first time Mr Chirac has made a point of defending the French
language in the international arena.

At previous gatherings he has stuck to French, using an interpreter to
translate into English, despite the fact that he has a good understanding of
English, having spent time in his youth as a Harvard student and forklift
driver at a US brewery.

Mr Seilliere went on to urge EU leaders to "resist national protectionism in
order to avoid a negative domino effect".

Italy has accused France of protectionism over a controversial deal to merge
Gaz de France and Suez, which was a takeover target for Italian firm Enel.

Mr Chirac rejected the charges on Friday, telling reporters: "When I hear talk
of French economic protectionism, for me that is complete nonsense".

French used to be the lingua franca for most EU business, but with the
expansion of the EU to 25 member states, English is becoming even more
dominant.

European Commission President Jose Manuel Barroso, who often switches between
languages in speeches and press conferences, later stuck to French in his
address to the meeting.

[mgna]

Obcielo mi tytul, mialo byc tak:

C'est la vie... (From the reality is stranger than fiction department)

Dry Spell

[mgna]

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local
liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic
ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for
conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like
you have seen a lot of action."

The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know,
you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong
way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led
him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. [mgna:
yeah, right! dream on boys!!!!] Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned
against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since
1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I
hope not, it's only 2130 now."

Fishing trip

[mgna]

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took
place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing
this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the
house next weekend."

Second guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a
new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will
remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a
word. So they asked him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do
to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 4:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my
alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex?" and she said, "Wear
sun block." [mgna: that's more like it! ;) ]

Lie-Clocks

[mgna]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly
Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those
clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never
told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved
twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.

Like Clockwork

[mgna]

She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast. He walks in and
asks "What's for breakfast?"

She turns to him and says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment".

He, thinking it's his lucky day, stands her over the kitchen table and they
have sex.

Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?" She says "The egg timer's
broken!"

Uh Oh!

[mgna]

The Perils of Viagra


A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra. The doctor
told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose. "Why not?" asked the man.

"Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.

"But I need it really bad," said the man.

"Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.

The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife
will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't
you see? I must have a double dose."

The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you
have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if
there are any side effects."

On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling. The doctor
asked, "What happened to you?"

The man said, "No one showed up!"

Bear Hunting

[mgna]

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He
traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it...... Right
after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black
bear.

The black bear said: "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm
going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or ... we have sex."
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative... So
the black bear had his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks,
Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black bear and
shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a
huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said: "That was a big
mistake, Frank...... That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I
maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to
cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his
way with Frank. Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully
recovered.

Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to
track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then,
moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a
giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said: "Admit
it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

Wives

[mgna]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking,
and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The Englishman says, ''I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went
to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and
we don't even have a fridge to keep it in.''

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is
thicker.

''Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car,'' he laments,
''and she doesn't even know how to drive!''

The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they
both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.

However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. ''Ah, it kills me everytime I
think of it,'' he chuckles. ''My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I
watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in
there and she doesn't even have a penis!''

Answered Prayers

[mgna]

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a
problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one
thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're
prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest
exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then
said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots
whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with
Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm
sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you,"
the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he
ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were inside their cage, hold
their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her
parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots
exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other
male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been
answered!"

Not Funny!

[mgna]

Last summer, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run Jane kept hinting
to Dick, her husband, that he needed to get it fixed. However, for some reason
the message wasn't sinking in.

She finally thought of a clever way to make the point. When Dick arrived home
that day, he found her seated in the tall grass busily clipping away with a
tiny pair of sewing scissors.

He watched silently for a short time, then went into the house. Jane thought
she had again failed to get his attention. He was gone only a few moments, and
when he came out again he handed her a toothbrush saying, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the sidewalks."

How'sYourBackFeelingToday?10yrsAg o?InTheWomb?

[mgna]

A stitch in time saves nine? What caused the problem? Never too late for a
cure, as time is merely the fourth dimension. As a patient, all you must do is
traverse the first three to get to Ohio. Then there's money (which dimension
is that?). Advanced chiropractry is attacked by the naughty medical
establishment:


"Chiropractor Claims He Can Go Back in Time"
By JOHN McCARTHY
ap

COLUMBUS, Ohio (April 6) - A chiropractor who claims he can treat anyone by
reaching back in time to when an injury occurred has attracted the attention of
state regulators.

The Ohio State Chiropractic Board, in a notice of hearing, has accused James
Burda of Athens of being "unable to practice chiropractic according to
acceptable and prevailing standards of care due to mental illness,
specifically, Delusional Disorder, Grandiose Type."

Burda denied that he is mentally ill. He said he possesses a skill he
discovered by accident while driving six years ago.

"My foot hurt and, knowing anatomy, I went ahead and I told it to realign and
my pain went away," Burda said Thursday.

Burda calls his treatment "Bahlaqeem."

"It is a made-up word and, to my knowledge, has no known meaning except for
this intended purpose. It does, however, have a soothing vibrational influence
and contains the very special number of nine letters," Burda's Web site says.

The board alleges in three counts against Burda that the treatment is
unacceptable and constitutes "willful and gross malpractice." Burda has until
May 1 to request a hearing. The board can levy penalties ranging from a
reprimand to revoking his license to practice, said Kelly Caudill, the board's
executive director.

Caudill said she could not discuss the board's allegations while the
investigation continues and could not comment on whether any of Burda's
patients had complained. She said the board began the investigation when it
learned of Burda's Web site. Burda said he likely will seek a hearing.

Burda said he charges nothing for his first "visit," usually by phone or
Internet, and subsequent treatments are $60.

"All treatments are satisfaction-guaranteed. Treatment is always done before
payment is made," Burda said, adding that one patient "just wasn't satisfied,
and I tore up her check.

The Web site describes the treatment as "a long-distance healing service (not a
product) to help increase the quality of your life that can be performed in the
privacy of your home or other personal space. There is no need to come to my
office."

The treatment is not telepathic because the patient does not have to believe in
what he's doing, Burda said. He has treated hundreds of patients and reports
nine out of 10 patients are satisfied, he said.

While he knows of no other people who have his particular skill, he said
lawmakers and regulators should allow alternative forms of treatment for the
patients who seek them.

"People who are in need cannot go to these people because they are not allowed
to practice. This is terrible," Burda said.

bird flu

[tuti]

2 swans are playing 'battleship'

-H5 - says the first one
-N1 - replies the other

Size Does Matter

[mgna]

A body builder picks up a blonde at a bar and takes her home with him.

He takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have." The
body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."

He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have."
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment
screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after
her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw
how short the fuse was."

Nerd Season

[mgna]

A truck driver hauling a tractor trailer filled with computers stops for a
beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door reading, "Nerds
Not Allowed

Smartest Kid In The Class

[mgna]

Kiwi Lottery - Smartest Kid In The Class:
www.visit4info.com/details.cfm?adid=21941&type=coolad

Can you hear me?

[mgna]

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she
might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her,he called the
family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform
to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and
in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30
feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.
He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and
repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and
asks, Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away."Honey, what's for
dinner?"

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

"Frank, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

The new world order?

[mgna]

rangersmediaforum.com/index.php?act=Attach&type=post&id=6786291

Vaseline

[mgna]

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a redhead with
three small children running around at her feet.

He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and
say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.
But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your
honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly "how you use
it for sex?"

The redhead said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on
the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

The cure...

[mgna]

Joe went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said. "I've got trouble. Every time I
get into bed, I'm sure that there's somebody under it. I haven't slept in a
week. I'm going crazy."

"Come to me three times a week and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge"?

"A hundred dollars per visit."

Six months later, the doctor met Joe on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again"?

"A bartender cured me for $10. He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

I'm The Decider

[mgna]

decider.cf.huffingtonpost.com/

Can you hear me?

[mgna]

A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. Out of
breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few
minutes. I'll explain why later."

The nun agreed.

Just a moment later two Military Police came running along and asked, "Sister,
have you seen a soldier running by here??"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and
said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear."

The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have
a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a
great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either."

Jim and Edna: an oldie

[mgna]

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly
fell into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool. Edna promptly jumped
in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately
ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be
mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad
news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another
patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness. The bad
news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in his bathroom with
the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I
go home?"

Marzena!!!!

[jagienkaa]

no ja nie mogę. Skąd Ty bierzesz te kawały? dostajesz je mejlem czy coś
codziennie?!!!

Jagienka!!!!

[mgna]

> no ja nie mogę. Skąd Ty bierzesz te kawały? dostajesz je mejlem czy coś
> codziennie?!!!
Znajomy podtrzymuje "Humor Group" i wysyla tym ktorzy do niej naleza te kawaly;
prawie codziennie :) Poniewaz jest to znajomy z NYC stad duza ilosc kawalow
jest o Bush'u, niektore bardziej polityczne lub oparte na nuansach
amerykanskiej pop kultury nie wysylyam poniewaz niesadze ze dla was beda
smieszne.

Nine Months Later

[mgna]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up in Jack's minivan
and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible
blizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the
door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to
myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid neighbors will
talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the
weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men
made their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed
a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It
took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was
from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-
looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"

Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and
pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit
that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why
do you ask?

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different didn't you?)

Frogs and Hookers

[mgna]

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging
a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house
of ill repute and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to
buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him
to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course the Madam said no.

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making
love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam
told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and
headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place
with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going
out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a babysitter.

After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens
to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just
caught.

When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll
jump the babysitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the babysitter's, he and Mom will go to bed and
have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the
Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease,
and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my frog."

The odds may catch up with you...

[mgna]

A couple, both bona-fide rednecks, had nine children. They went to the doctor
to see about getting the husband "fixed".

The doctor asked them why, after 9 children, would they choose to do this. The
husband repliedthat they had read a recent article that one out of every 10
children being born in North America wasMexican and they didn't want a Mexican
baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

Aspirin

[mgna]

A guy is out with buddies, has a few drinks, and is feeling a little frisky
but, true to his wife, he goes home. He finds her sound asleep in bed with
her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.

She starts to choke, but recovers and asks, "What did you put in my mouth?" and
he says, "Two aspirin."

She replies, "But I don't have a headache!"

He says, "That's all I wanted to hear.”

Dining out...

[mgna]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The
waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke,"
and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours"?

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later, the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40
please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact
change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
hamburger, fries, and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes
routine until the two enter again later in the week. "The usual"? asks the
waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad,"
says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly, the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once
again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the
table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
out of your pocket every time"?

"Well," says the man, "several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and found
an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My
first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand
in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's
brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or
something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money
is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But what's with the ostrich"?

The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs
who agrees with everything I say."

Three Dogs at the Vet (risque)

[mgna]

Three dogs, a Great Dane, a Boxer and a German Shepard are sitting in a vets
office and strike up a conversation.

The Great Dane turns to the Boxer and asks, what are you here for?

"I'm a pisser", "I piss on everything", the sofa, the cat, the kid but the
final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owners bed.

So, what is the vet gonna do? the Great Dane asks. "Lethal injection" came
the sad reply from the Boxer.

The Great Dane turns to the Shepard and asked the same question.

"I'm a digger", I dig under fences, I dig up flowers and trees. I dig for the
hell of it. When inside I even dig up the carpets, but I went over the limit
when I dug a hole in the middle of the owner's couch.

So, what they gonna go to you? "Lethal injection," replied the Dejected Shepard.

The Shepard asked the Great Dane why he was there.

"I'm a humper. I'll hump anything, I'll hump the cat, pillows, the table, fire
hydrants. Whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had
just gotten out of the shower and bent down to dry her toes and I couldn't help
myself and hopped on her back and started humping away.

The Boxer and Lab exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, lethal injection for
you too, huh?"

No, No, the Great Dane said.

"I'm here to get my nails clipped."

Tutti to podrzucila....

[mgna]

DEPT OF TRANSPORT INITIATIVE - MAY 2006.

Information Release.

There is concern over the current driving standards in England, so the
Department of Transport have devised a scheme to identify poor and dangerous
drivers.

This system will allow all road users to recognise the potentially hazardous
and dangerous ones, or those with limited driving skills.

From the middle of May 2006 all those drivers who are found to be a potential
hazard to all other road users will be issued with a white flag, bearing a red
cross.

This flag clearly indicates their inability to drive properly.

These flags must be clipped to a door of the car and be visible to all other
drivers and pedestrians.

Those drivers who have shown particularly poor driving skills will have to
display two flags:

One on each side of the car to indicate an even greater lack of skill and
limited driving intelligence.

Please circulate this to as many other motorists as you can, in order that
drivers and pedestrians will be aware of the meaning of these flags.

Thank you for your co-operation.

Department of Transport.

The Boss's Quandry: Oldie but Goody

[mgna]

The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to
one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were
both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the
water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all
night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The Boss approached her and
said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."

Risque: Cultural Lesson

[mgna]

A Greek and an Italian were drinking coffee one day discussing who had the
superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon". Arching
his eyebrows the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian,
nodding in agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end
the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced
it to women."

[benala]

cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd
waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the
hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a
wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and
lsat ltteer are in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the
huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter
by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot
slpeling was ipmorantt!

[pati.zop78]

dobre. ale czy w polksim tez by dzialalo?

A sign of the times

[mgna]

Becky, who belonged to a synagogue group devoted to visiting and helping the
sick members of her congregation, was out making her rounds visiting homebound
patients when she ran out of gas.

As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant
told her the only gas can he owned had been loaned out but she could wait until
it was returned.

Since Becky was on the way to see another patient, and behind schedule, she
decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted
the bedpan she always had handy for needy patients.

Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas,
and carried the full bedpan back to her car which was decorated with many
Hebrew decals and bumper stickers.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the
street. One of them turned to the other and said:

"If it starts, I'm converting to Judaism!"

The Lovenstein Institute's Presidential IQ Report

[mgna]

www.lovenstein.org/report/

Tom and the Blonde...

[mgna]

Tom and the blond are watching TV in a bar.

Tom says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blond replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Tom placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a
swan dive off the building, plummeting to his death.

The blond was very upset and handed her $20 to Tom, saying, "Fair's fair.
Here's your money."

Tom replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock
news and so I knew he would jump."

The blond replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Tom took the money.

[dorotus76]

Moja 5-letnia córeczka strasznie jest przejęta nidalekim wyjazdem do tatusia do
Anglii. W związku z tym ma setki pytań. Najdziwaczniejszych. Ale wczoraj mnie
rozłożyła na łopatki:
-mamusiu, a w Anglii jest toaleta?...

(he he, a swoją drogą jak zobaczy te podwójne krany w łazienkach to się dopiero
zdziwi...)

[mamaliv]

Kubus po przyjsciu ze szkoly powiedzial:
-Mamusiu pani kazala przyniesc na jutro zaswiadczenie.
-Ale jakie zaswiadczenie synku?O czym?
-Nie wiem. A jakie moga byc zaswiadczenia?
-Moze byc tysiace zaswiadczen.
Na to maly rezolutnie:
_To daj mi wszystkie.
---------------------

Mama odbiera z przedszkola Ewe. Dziewczynka skarzy sie:
-Wiesz mamo, a Wojtek uderzyl mnie dzisiaj klockiem
-No to trzeba bylo mu oddac
-Ale ja przeciez niczego mu nie zabralam!

---------------------

Antos oswiadczyl mamie , ze od dzis bedzie grzeczny. Mama pochwalila go za to.
Niestety juz po chwili maly zaczal balaganic. Mama zapytala:
-Antosiu obiecales ze bedziesz grzeczny a ty znowu psocisz?
Na to synek:
-Zapomnialem ci powiedziec, ze nauczylem sie klamac.

-------------------

Trzyletniej Marcie mama powiedziala ze jest slodka i zje jej nosek. Marta
wykrzyknela:
-O nie, tylko nie nosek!
-Dlaczego nie? - zapytala mama
-A gdzie bede miec katar?

-------------------

Dominika marudzila w przedszkolu i nie chciala isc na lekcje jezyka
angielskiego. Kiedy po poludniu mama zapytala ja, dlaczego nie poszla na
angielski, mala odpowiedziala:
-Po prostu balam sie, mamusiu, ze zapomne polskiego.

-----------------

Mala Kamila podeszla do taty kiedy zmywal naczynia i porosila:
-Tato, ukroisz mi placka?
-Mam mokre rece, powinnas sama nauczyc sie kroic. Ja w Twoim wieku to juz sam
jezdzilem do Limanowej!-zazartowal tata
Na to corka zapytala kpiaco:
-Ciekawe, kto ci pozwolil prowadzic autobus?

--------------------

Kacperek wchodzi do lazienki, gdzie widzi kapiaca sie mame. Patrzac na jej
piersi pyta:
-Po co ci to?
Mama wyjasnia mu ze to sa piersi i ze jak byl maly, to pil z nich mleczko. Na to
Kacperek:
-A teraz zostawilas je sobie na pamiatke?

----------------

Po klotni z tata mama przestala sie do niego odzywac. Tlumaczy corce, ze dorosli
tez musza czasem od siebie odpoczac i dodala:
-Ale nie martw sie bo wszystko juz jest w porzadku.
Na to Asia:
-To dobrze bo mam juz dosc tego zajmowania sie domem.

---------------

Wujek zartem namawia Julke:
-Popros tatusia zeby kupil ci kurki, krowki, konika, swinke...
Julka przerywa kategorycznie:
-Swinki nie, bo do swinki trzeba wrzucac pieniazki.
---------------

Ola uwielbia zabawe w berka. Pewnego dnia po gonitwie tata zaproponowal corce,
zeby pobawila sie w cos innego. Ola zapytala:
-To moze pobawimy sie laleczka?
-Dobrze-odpowiedzial tata-Tylko co bedziemy robic?
Na to corka rezolutnie:
-Laleczka bedzie siedziec i patrzec, a my zabawimy sie w berka.
--------------

Szymek prosi :
-Tatusiu, kup mi bebenek.
Ale tata ani mysli sie zgodzic:
-Nie kupie ci bebenka, bo bedziesz mi przeszkadzal w pracy.
Wtedy Szymek zaprzeczyl:
-Nie bede ci przeszkadzal w pracy, bo bede gral tylko wtedy, gdy ty bedziesz spal!
--------------

Rodzinka przyjechala do osrodka wczasowego. Kiedy rozpakowali rzeczy,
zaaferowany Macius biegal i dokazywal. W pewnym momencie zagadnal do niego
ochroniarz:
-Hej, urwisie!
Wtedy Maciek podbiegl do mamy i zdziwoiny zapytal:
-Mamo skad ten pan mnie zna?
---------------
Na rodzinnym obiedzie byla ciocia, ktora jest zakonnica. Mama postawila kurczaka
na stole i poprosila synka o odmowienie modlitwy.
Michal byl tak zaaferowany widokiem cioci w habicie, ze popatrzyl na kurczaka i
wydusil:
-Wieczny odpoczynek racz mu dac Panie!

[kiotano_woman]

Moj znnajomy w sytuacjach tzw. niejednoznacznych czyli, gdy mu sie zdaje, ze
ktos zwyczajnie sciemnia robi tak...
Mruzy oczy i glosem lagodnego pastora wyglasza -
Speak your truth clearly and quietly, and listen to others. Even the dull and
the ignorant. They too have their story...
Mnie to zawsze rozbawia do lez... kilka razy widzialam miny osob do ktorych to
bylo skierowane...hihii

The Priest

[mgna]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest
beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hairdryer that is well over the Customs
limits, "and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry
it through Customs for me? "Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With
your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to
declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which
is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."

An old favorite which has again landed in my inbox

[mgna]

A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under
one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was
locked up, the boss came down.

"How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says "one".

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How
much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$121,237.65".

The boss says "$121,237.65? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First,
I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold
him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him
where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was
going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a
twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would
pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x
4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT
and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I
said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."

Mundial na wesoło

[lee.loo]

Paweł Janas, Sven-Goran Eriksson i Juergen Klinsmann spotkali Boga.
- Panie Boże - pyta Eriksson - czy Anglia kiedyś zdobędzie mistrzostwo świata?
- Tak, Sven, ale nie za twojej kadencji - odpowiedział Bóg.
- Boże, a czy Niemcy kiedyś zostaną mistrzami świata? - spytał Klinsmann.
- Zostaną, ale nie za twojej kadencji, Juergen.
Na to Paweł Janas: - Panie Boże, a czy Polska zdobędzie kiedyś mistrzostwo
świata?
A Pan Bóg: - Paweł, zdobędzie. Ale nie za mojej kadencji...

Przylatują polscy piłkarze na lotnisko do Berlina i Janas mówi do pilota
samolotu: - Nie gaście silników, zaraz wracamy...

- Co robi kibic, gdy Polska zdobędzie mistrzostwo świata?
Wyłącza Playstation i idzie spać.

Wiecie, z kim spotkają się polscy piłkarze po fazie grupowej?
Z kibicami na Okęciu!

Dlaczego Jerzy Dudek nie został powołany do reprezentacji na mistrzostwa
świata?
Bo w ostatnich 50 meczach nie strzelił gola...

Słowniczek polskiego kibica
rasiakowy - 1. niekompetentny, podstawiony, załatwiony po znajomości; 2.
drewniany, sztywny 3. jednonożny
jopowy - szybki jak wiatr
kuszczakować - zapomnieć gdzie się jest i co powinno się robić, odpoczywać,
wagarować
zgrywać Janasa - wykorzystywać i bezwzględnie zostawiać, obiecywać i robić coś
zupełnie innego, faworyzować swoich ulubieńców, podejmować nieracjonalne
decyzje
frankowy trud - wykonanie ciężkiej pracy, za którą nie otrzyma się żadnej
korzyści, wynagrodzenia
szpakować, szaraczyć - mówić bez sensu, bez ładu logicznego, popełniać błędy w
języku mówionym

Dla posiadaczy kart kredytowych

[hanula]

www.joemonster.org/article.php?sid=6048&skad=rss&typ=art

[basia313]

DLa ulatwienia dodam, ze rasistka nie jestem, ale ten kawal bardzo mi sie
podoba.
Dlaczego Murzynki nosza duze torebki
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
...zeby im sie pomadkiwmiescily

[elioli]

Na autokarze Polskiej Reprezentacji podczas mundialu widniał napis "Waleczni i
niebezpieczni". Trwają poszukiwania nowego napisu na autokar!


Oto propozycje:

- Tragiczni ale komiczni.
- My tylko przejazdem.
- 280 koni i 24 osły.
- Wystarczy duże białe ?L? na niebieskim tle.
- Ktokolwiek widział, ktokolwiek wie (i zdjęcie Janasa)
- Autobus turystyczny.
- Walczyliśmy jak nigdy. Przegraliśmy jak zawsze.
- Co się stało?
- Ułomni ale skromni.
- Jedziemy na Love Parade.
- Ciulaci ale skrzydlaci.
- Ukryci i przerażeni.
- Uwaga niebezpieczeństwo!
- Nie kopać leżących!
- Prawie jak drużyna.
- Szybcy i wściekli.
- Kółko wędkarskie.
- Nie strzelać, bo może dostać niewinny kierowca!
- Polakom gratulujemy autobusu.
- Tak sobie pokreśliłem i tak mi wyszło.
- Którędy do wyjścia?
- Latający cyrk Pawła Janasa.
- Handel obwoźny - gipsowe krasnale.
- Komu punkty, komu? Bo jedziem do domu.
- Przewóz pracowników: Niemcy ===> Polska.
- Wyjście awaryjne.
- Nas nie dogoniat!
- Nam strzelać nie kazano.
- Szukamy pracy przy szparagach.
- Poszukiwacze zaginionej bramki.
- Lasy Państwowe sp. z o.o.
- Obóz wędrowny.
- Drużyna Actimela.
- Mesjasze narodów.
- To jest miejsce na Twoją reklamę.
- Tylko nie po twarzy.
- Pielgrzymka do Rzymu.
- Titanic.
- Aczkolwiek.
- Zjazd do zajezdni.
- Fundacja Jolanty Kwaśniewskiej 'Dzieci Niczyje'.
- Powered by PZPN.
- domowe przedszkole
- jaki sponsor taka gra - TP SA

Medical School Subject: Muscular Contractions

[mgna]

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his
first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to
lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your
asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Golfing with his buddies."

Bush-league...

[mgna]

Rumsfeld is giving a report to the President and to the Cabinet........He
says, "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq."

The President says,"Oh,my God!" and he buries his head in his hands.

The entire Cabinet is stunned. Usually George Bush shows no reaction
whatsoever to these reports.

Just then, Bush looks up and says, "How many is a Brazilian??"

Man of the House

[mgna]

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be the Man
of Your House". He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know
that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a
gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a
sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me and we
will have the kind of sex that I want.

After that, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my
back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and
hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess!

Will I Live to Be 80?

[mgna]

I recently chose a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive
lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned
about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be
80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?" "Oh no," I
replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my
other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking,
motorcycling or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I
said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit?"

Customer Service....not funny!

[mgna]

This gives a whole new meaning to "customer service" (be sure to listen to the
actual conversation using the streaming box at the upper right of the page).

www.nbc10.com/news/9406462/detail.html

No nie wiem, czy takie na wesoło ...(czarny humor)

[effata]

pokój dla palaczy
--
Don't guess.

smooth-talkin' Cajun

[mgna]

Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got
called up to active duty one day. Boudreaux's first assignment was to a
military induction center.

Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new
recruits about government benefits, especially GI insurance to which they were
entitled.

Before long, the officer in charge of the induction center began noticing that
Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental
form of GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these low-income
recruits $30 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government
was already providing at no charge.

The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and
observe Boudreaux's sales & pitch.

Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you has
da normal GI insurans an' you goes to Iraq an' gets youself killed, da
governmen' pays you beneficiary $20,000. If you takes out da supplemental
insurans, which cost you only t'irty dollars a mons, den da the governmen' gots
ta pay you beneficiary $200,000!"

"Now," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Iraq first?"

[effata]

Rozśmieszył mnie podpis do zdjęcia :)
--
Don't guess.

[elioli]

O PIEKLE

Poniżej jedno z pytań, które pojawiło się na egzaminie na
wydziale chemii NUI Maynooth (National University of Ireland).
Odpowiedź jednego ze studentów była na tyle wyjątkowa, że
profesor podzielił się z nią ze swoimi kolegami, a później jej
treść przedstawił w internecie.

Pytanie:

Czy piekło jest egzotermalne (oddaje ciepło) czy endotermalne
(absorbuje ciepło)? Większość odpowiedzi oparta była na prawie
Boylesa, które mówi, że w stałej temperaturze objętość danej masy
gazu jest odwrotnie proporcjonalna do jego ciśnienia.

Jeden ze studentów napisał tak:

Najpierw musimy stwierdzić, jak zmienia się masa piekła w czasie.
Do tego potrzebna jest ocena liczby dusz, które idą do piekła
i liczba dusz, która piekło opuszcza. Moim zdaniem można ze sporym
prawdopodobieństwem przyjąć, że dusze, które raz trafiły do
piekła, nigdy go nie opuszczają. Na pytanie, ile dusz idzie do
piekła, można spojrzeć z punktu widzenia wielu istniejących
dzisiaj religii. Większość z nich zakłada, że do piekła idzie się
wtedy, gdy nie wyznaje się tej właściwej wiary. Ponieważ religii
jest więcej niż jedna i nie można wyznawać kilku religii
jednocześnie, to można założyć, że wszystkie dusze idą do piekła.
Patrząc na częstotliwość narodzin i śmierci można założyć, że
liczba dusz w piekle wzrastać będzie logarytmicznie. Rozważmy
więc pytanie o zmieniającej się objętości piekła. Ponieważ wg
prawa Boylesa wraz ze wzrostem liczby dusz rozszerzać musi się
powierzchnia piekła tak, aby temperatura i ciśnienie w piekle
pozostaly stałe, to istnieją dwie możliwości:
1. Jeśli piekło rozszerza się wolniej niż liczba przychodzących do
niego dusz, to temperatura i ciśnienie w piekle będą tak dlugo rosły
aż piekło się rozpadnie.
2. Jeśli piekło rozszerza się szybciej niż liczba przychodzących
tam dusz, to temperatura i ciśnienie w piekle będą spadać tak
długo, aż piekło zamarznie.

Która z tych możliwości jest bardziej realna? Jeśli weźmiemy pod
uwagę przepowiednię Sandry, która powiedziała do mnie "prędzej
piekło zamarznie niż się z tobą prześpię", jak również to, że
wczoraj z nią spałem, to możliwa jest tylko ta druga opcja.
Dlatego też jestem przekonany, że piekło jest endotermalne i musi
być już zamarznięte. Z uwagi na to, że piekło zamarzło, można
wnioskować, że żadna kolejna dusza nie może trafić do piekła, a
ponieważ pozostaje jeszcze tylko niebo, to dowodzi też istnienie
Osoby Boskiej, co z kolei tlumaczy, dlaczego Sandra cały
wczorajszy wieczór krzyczała "Oh, God".

Ten student otrzymał ocenę "bardzo dobry".

Being Rude

[mgna]

An extremely unattractive, scowling, rude woman walks into Wal-Mart with her
two kids.

The Wal-Mart Greeter does his thing and then asks, "Are they twins?"

The woman answers "No Jackass, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one,
she's 7. Why?........ Do you really think they look alike, you idiot?"

"No," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe you got laid more than once."

...

[mgna]

An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs
desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked
sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly
explained "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help
liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

[hopplik]

zabawny wątek ;)
wiadomosci.onet.pl/1,15,11,21773381,60785480,2377934,50,forum.html

Nie na wesolo....

[mgna]

In a recent interview, General Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he thought
there was room for forgiveness toward Hizbollah.

The General said, " I believe that forgiving Hizbollah is God's function. The
Israeli's job is to arrange the meeting ."

The Purina Diet

[mgna]

I have a Labrador retriever, and was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart
and was in line to check out.

The woman behind me asked if I had a dog. (Duh!)

On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again. Although I
probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time. But I'd
lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming
out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is
to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every
time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try
it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled
with my story, particularly a tall guy who was standing behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
poisoned me.

I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought the guy standing behind her was going to have to have help as he fell
on the floor laughing.

[effata]

teksty z zeszytów szkolnych
--
Don't guess.

[benala]

dzieki effato za ten link, siedze i sikam ze smiechu.
A potrzeba mi bo wlasnie obejrzalam Magde M (jedyny serial ktory uwielbiam).
pozdr J

[elioli]

www.youtube.com/watch?v=iYhCn0jf46U&NR
Zobaczcie i juz, bez kompleksow ;)

Lekko niecenzuralnie... :)

[bylemwanglii]

A woman enroled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of
the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a
bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm.

"Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids ..."

O facetach

[bylemwanglii]

How do men sort their laundry?

"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

[bylemwanglii]

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom
door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror,
on my door, make my bustline forty four".

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous
proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in
minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door,
make my penis touch the floor!".

Again, there's a bright flash ... and then his legs fall off!

[bylemwanglii]

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across
a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take a bath. So she
tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake. The
Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath too.

Snow White relents and says "When I get into the water and you hear the splash,
you can turn around." Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into the
water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps into the water
before she can. The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around and see
Snow White standing NAKED.

Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, what product is being
advertised?

That's easy ... Seven-Up!