New Voice Mail System at Mental Health Institute

[patience]

A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Mental
Health Institute.

`Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line
so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the
mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you
which number to press.

If you area manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, as no
one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a
representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date
of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or
before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy
to talk to you.'

- The Robin Williams Peace Plan

[patience]

Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan ... what we need
now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.



I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for
peace. So, here's one plan.



1. The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs,
past &present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Tojo, Noriega, Milosovich and the
rest of those 'good ole boys, 'We will never "interfere" again.



2. We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany,
South Korea and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station
troops at our borders. No one sneaking through holes in the fence.



3. All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave.
We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered
up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where they are. France would
welcome them.



4. All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless
given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation would be allowed in. If
you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would
never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11
cashiers.



5. No "students" over age 21. The older ! ones are the bombers. If they don't
attend classes, they get a "D" (for "deport") and it's back home baby.



6. The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This
will include developing non-polluting sources of energy but will require a
temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to
cope for a while.



7. Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their
oil. If they don't like it, we go some place else. They can go somewhere else
to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage
sites would be enough.)



8. If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will
not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, ! rain, cement
or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to
the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.



9. Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island some place. We don't need the
spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good
homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.



10. All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call
us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH..... learn
it...or LEAVE...