To My Online Friends:

[ertes]

As the holidays approach, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who
have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months.
Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on
envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an
envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products
are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked
with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume
sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or FedEx since they
are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for
which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and
Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers