ENGLISH

[jane_blond_007]

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans. Contrarily, the French have lots of fat in
their diets and also suffer fewer heart attacks than either the
British or Americans.
Conclusion:
Eat whatever you want.
It's speaking English that kills you.
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Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home. A local man was
murdered in his home over the weekend. Detectives found him face
down in the bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk and
cornflakes, and a banana was sticking out of his ass.
Police suspect a cereal killer.
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[Gość: Bea]

Yogi Berra: "When you come to a fork on the road, take it." " I don't know if
the stripper* was a man or a women, because his hed was covered with a paper
bag".
* a naked person running through the stadium to get attention

[Gość: Anna M]

You mean a streaker.
Stripper is also naked, but in a different place and not for free usually :)

another one ;) enjoy!

[jane_blond_007]

Written on a toilet's door at UW:
"Do not accuse our teachers of having wit and intelligence - they're innocent."

yet another one;)

[jane_blond_007]

Energizer bunny arrested: charged with battery.
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If electricity is made by electrons, then does that mean that morality was made
by morons?
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A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Nauka polskiego

[Gość: Tomek]

Jak nauczyć mówić Anglika po polsku:

First lesson: Tea who you yeah bunny.
Second lesson: Scotch me tea who you.

[Gość: mazurek]

Next lesson:
Tschervonyh!
Sasranyh!
Who your sah!
Who your voh!
Nassrow!
Who yeah,moo yeah!
Who you bloody!
Tchipeah!
Pyerdool sheah!
Tsowooy mnyeh v doopeah!
Scoorvyhsyhn!
Yeahbatch!
Koorvaah!
Obyehbaney!
Gość portalu: Tomek napisał(a):

> Jak nauczyć mówić Anglika po polsku:
>
> First lesson: Tea who you yeah bunny.
> Second lesson: Scotch me tea who you.

[Gość: mazurek]

Z niemiecka po anglicku:

"Ei leik mei kahr"

Z polska po niemieckiemu:

"Ysi libe majne drzeta"

Carmen

[Gość: bubus]

The man and the georgeous woman meet at the bar.
After talking for a while she she introduced herself as Carmen.
" What a beautiful name your mama gave you"- he says.
" Oh. My mama had nothing to do with it. I gave that name myself.
I like cars and I like men as well" - she replied
And then she asked him what was his name?
"Beerfuck"- he said

Yogi Berra

[Gość: bubus]

Yogi Berra is a master of oneliners and he doesn't even know it.
***************************************************************************
-Hey Yogi what time is it?
-Now?
***************************************************************************
-Hey Yogi do you still go to that restaurant you used to go so often?
-No. Nobody goes there anymore and it's so crowded.

Yogi Berra

[Gość: bubus]

Yogi Berra is a master of oneliners and he doesn't even know it.
***************************************************************************
-Hey Yogi what time is it?
-Now?
***************************************************************************
-Hey Yogi do you still go to that restaurant you used to go so often?
-No. Nobody goes there anymore and it's so crowded.

HOW TO CONFUSE SANTA:

[jane_blond_007]

1-While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
2-Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, 'This
neighbourhood ain't big enough for the both of us'.
3-Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear
and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
4-Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if
he would mind watering your plants.
5-Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them.
Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
6-Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house,
go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled".
Threaten to sue.
7-While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
8-Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa
arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say: "Well, well. They always
return to the scene of crime."
9-Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to
let him leave untill the strippers arrive.
10-Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and
wanted to ramind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
11-Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when
he sees a little res cape, wait untill he sees that big, red Santa suit!

That's all folks!Enjoy,
Jane.

Am i ever to finish this?? ;))

[jane_blond_007]

A poem this time:

"let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There's no egg in the eggplant.
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine it's paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And guinea pig is neither from Guinea, nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth?
If the teacher taught
Why don't preacher praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways?
How can the weather be as hot as hell one day
and as cold as hell on another?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they're invisible
And why is it that when i wind up this poem
it ends.

Tis all, hope you enjoyed it ;)
Jane.

Well,looks like i'm not done here yet ;))))

[jane_blond_007]

A joke this time has sprung to my mind.Here it goes:

A Frenchman, an Italian and an Englishman wanted to be the first people to
windsurf across the Pacific. They set off one morning in July. When they had
been travelling for a month the weather suddenly changed dramaticaly.
It became very windy and the waves were enormous. Unfortunately one of the
waves broke their windsurf boards in two.
Luckily the three men managed to swim to a small island.
They had been on the island for several weeks when one morning the Italian came
back with a bottle he had found on the beach while ha was jogging.
When they opened it there was a big flash and a genie suddenly appeared.
"Thank you! Thank you!" said the genie. "I am free thanks to you!" He told the
three men that he had been a prisoner in the bottle for fifty years.
"To show how grateful I am you can each have one wish - anything you want."
Then he disappeared.
Immediately the Italian shouted: "This is my wish! I'd love to be in Rome
eating a big plate of my mother's spaghetti!" At once there was a big flash and
a cloud of smoke and when it cleared the others saw that the Italian
disappeared.
Next the Frenchman said: "Genie, please take me to my favourite restaurant with
my wife near the Eiffel Tower." Immediately there was a big flash and he too
disappeared.
The Englishman, who wasn't very intelligent, sat down on a rock.
He felt a bit unhappy and lonely now that both his friends had gone. He thought
for a moment then he made his wish: "Genie! Please...bring my friends back!"
There was a big flash...

T'was a bit long one, but i hope you enjoyed it as much as i have. ;))
Jane.