yidele
01.07.02, 22:18
The Osama bin Laden
Tape Transcripts
The U.S. Government has been poring over the recently found tape of Osama bin
Laden talking to Jimmy Shaykh and some of his cohorts about the attack on the
World Trade Center. U.S. translators have been struggling with the poor quality
of the audio to ensure that there is no misunderstanding of these basic facts:
Osama knew about and planned the attack, he underestimated the damage, and he
laughed at the fact that his martyrs had no idea what they were getting into.
Over the past three months I've managed, from my twelve-hour-a-day exposure to
the news networks, to pick up fluent knowledge of the Arabic language, so I
thought I'd cross-check to make sure our boys didn't miss anything. They didn't—
Osama's a guilty bastard who deserves less than a military tribunal; he
deserves to be run face first through a food processor. Nonetheless, you may
find my translation has certain nuances that are different than the one being
presented on TV. Therefore, for the sake of history, I present my translation
of the bin Laden tape.
Shaykh: (...inaudible...) You have given us weapons, you have given us hope and
we thank Allah for you. May Allah bless you both at home and the camp. We asked
the driver to take us, it was a night with a full moon, thanks be to Allah. The
elderly... everybody praises what you did, the great action you did, which was
first and foremost by the grace of Allah. This is the guidance of Allah and the
blessed fruit of jihad.
UBL: Achoo!
Shaykh: May Allah bless you!
UBL: May Allah bless my sneeze, for bringing such a pious response!
Shaykh: May Allah bless you for your blessing of my blessing! May Allah bless
the mucus of your sneeze, which I now see dribbling from your nose!
UBL: All praise be to Allah! [He wipes his nose with some loose cloth from
Shaykh's turban] Did I get it all?
Shaykh: Allah be praised, there is still some on your beard!
UBL: All praise be to Allah! How about now?
Shaykh: You're good.
UBL: By the way, did I mention that I planned the attacks on the World Trade
Center?
Shaykh: Yeah, it was a big hit with the fanatics!
UBL: What is the stand of the Mosques there (in Saudi Arabia)?
Shaykh: Honestly, they are very positive. Shaykh Al-Bahrani gave a good sermon
in his class after the sunset prayers. It was videotaped and I was supposed to
carry it with me, but I forgot to bring it.
UBL: You want to be careful with those videotapes.
Shaykh: What's the worst that can happen? Anyhoo…
UBL: Do not say anyhoo. I have issued a fatwa against anyone who says anyhoo.
Shaykh: (Describing the trip to the meeting) Anyway, they smuggled us and then
I thought that we would be in different caves inside the mountains so I was
surprised at the guest house and that it is very clean and comfortable. The
place is clean and we are very comfortable.
UBL: (...Inaudible...) when people see a strong horse and a weak horse, by
nature, they will like the strong horse. But when they come into a house with a
strong horse and a weak horse inside it, well, the horseshit becomes a little
unbearable. That's why we keep the horses in the other room. Glad you like the
place. I did the drapes myself.
Shaykh: Allah be praised and whatnot.
UBL: Did I tell you I know this guy who had a dream there was a soccer match
between us and the Americans? And our team was all pilots? He wondered whether
we were playing a soccer game or a pilot game.
Shaykh: What the hell is a pilot game?
UBL: That's what I was thinking. I had a dream the other night and you were in
it and you were naked.
Shaykh: um…
Unidentified Man Off Camera: Abd Al Rahman Al-(Ghamri) said he saw a vision,
before the operation, a plane crashed into a tall building. He knew nothing
about it.
Shaykh: Yeah, right. Everyone's a psychic, now.
UBL: I certainly knew something about it. I planned it. I had prior knowledge.
Shaykh: And the stupid Americans will never know!
[There follows about an hour of home movies, including footage of the visit to
the helicopter site, children playing, and one unidentified man singing "Don't
Let The Sun Go Down On Me" at a karaoke Bar. Eventually, footage of the bin
Laden meeting resumes.]
UBL: I totally underestimated the damage we would do. I also underestimated how
angry it would make the Americans.
Shaykh: Yeah, they seem really pissed off!
UBL: You know who else was pissed off? The "martyrs" we had get on those
planes. They thought it was a regular hijacking! Suckers! Wuh huh huh huh! WUH
HUH HUH HUH!! Screw those guys!
Shaykh: May Allah praise those screwed martyrs!
UBL: (reciting a poem) I witness that against the sharp blade They always faced
difficulties and stood together... When the darkness comes upon us and we are
bit by a Sharp tooth, I say... "Ouch! What's with the sharp tooth, you jerks!…
and the tyrant Is freely wandering in our homes"... And from the battlefield
vanished the brightness of swords and the horses, even the strong and the weak
horse I was talking about before... And homes are flooded with blood…"
Shaykh: That's a real pretty poem. Um, you know, you've still got some snot in
your beard. I thought you got it all, but damned if there isn't a big string
left.
UBL: Praise Allah!
