aussie_mate
16.12.05, 22:19
Sick days: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of
sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal days: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are
called Saturday and Sunday.
Bereavement leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you
can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made
to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour
and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet use: Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now
a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes,
an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will
open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture
will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders
category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the
company's mental health policy.
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Lunch break: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat
more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for
lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people
get five minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a
Slim-Fast.
Death clause: Any worker found dead at their desk will be promptly fired. All
deaths will need to be applied for in advance and will only be approved if
you can show that your death will not affect productivity.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
directed elsewhere.
businessnetwork.smh.com.au/articles/2005/12/09/3641.html
