Australijski humori

[szopen_cn]

Police in Alice Springs have arrested 4 more aboriginal terrorist
suspects, Bin Bludgin,Bin Thievin,Bin Boozin,& Bin Dealin.

There appears to be no sign of Bin Worken

[szopen_cn]

A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
As a Sydney Cop walked to her car window, flipping open his
ticket book, she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to
the Sydney Police Ball.'
He replied, Sydney Police don't have balls.'
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what
he'd just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.

[szopen_cn]

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister
of immigration, Mohammed Omar, warned Australia that if military
action against Iraq and Afghanistan continues, Taliban authorities
will cut off Australia's supply of convenience store managers.

And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers
will be next, followed by Telstra customer service reps, dole
office workers and Queensland doctors.


It's going to get ugly folks...

[luiza-w-ogrodzie]

szopen_cn napisał:

> This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister
> of immigration, Mohammed Omar, warned Australia

Spoko, godnie ich zastapia Libanczycy, Chinczycy i Koreanczycy. Nie
bedzie Taliban w twarz nam plul!

Luiza-w-Ogrodzie
.¸¸><(((º>¸¸.·´¯`·.¸¸><(((º>¸¸.
Australia-uzyteczne linki

Policjanta tez mozna speszyc

[luiza-w-ogrodzie]

> He replied, Sydney Police don't have balls.'

O tak, policjanta mozna speszyc :o) tez mi sie to udalo. Jechalam
kiedys samochodem z plazy, zawinieta tylko w recznik. Recznik
trzymal sie dobrze, dopoki policja mnie nie zatrzymala na rutynowy
test z alkomatem. Otworzylam okno, policjant podstawil alkomat,
pochylilam sie zeby poslusznie dmuchnac w rurke i w tym momencie
recznik zdecydowal sie powedrowac na poludnie a policjant niemal
wyrwal mi slomke z zebow i machnal ze mam jechac dalej. Do dzisiaj
LOL jak sobie to przypomne.

Luiza-w-Ogrodzie
Mówił Kon Fu Tse: Chcesz być szczęśliwy kilka chwil? Upij się. Kilka
lat? Ożeń się. Całe życie? Załóż ogród...

[szopen_cn]

A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came
upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.



On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a
similar but less serious state.



The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to
both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had
happened.



The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along
the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.'
We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the
road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife
scum bag who got what he deserved.



He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, Good-for-nothing,
left wing labour thingyhead who knows bugger all about running the
country.'



'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid,
mean-spirited lesbian!'



He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard ! '



'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking
hands, when a ****ing truck hit us.'

43 ways to tell if you're an Aussie

[szopen_cn]

You know you're Australian if …
1. You know the meaning of the word "girt".
2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.
3. You think it's normal to have a leader called Kevin.
4. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount
vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.
5. You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it
for something illegal such as watering the garden.
6. You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's
pencil case when he first attends school.
7. When you hear that an American "roots for his team" you wonder
how often and with whom.
8. You understand that the phrase "a group of women wearing black
thongs" refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.
9. You pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".
10. You pronounce Penrith as "Pen-riff".
11. You believe the "l" in the word "Australia" is optional.
12. You can translate: "Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the
way to Maccas."
13. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its
highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
14. You call your best friend "a total bastard" but someone you
really, truly despise is just "a bit of a bastard".
15. You think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a
place.
16. You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.
17. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin
that's twice as big as its $2 coin.
18. You understand that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga"
but "Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy".
19. You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast
spread.
20. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until
they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.
21. Hamburger. Beetroot. Of course.
22. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during
any rendition of the Angels' song Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face
Again.
23. You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary
known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing
year.
24. You still don't get why the "Labor" in "Australian Labor Party"
is not spelt with a "u".
25. You wear ugh boots outside the house.
26. You believe, as an article of faith, that every important
discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off
to the Yanks for a pittance.
27. You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more
you like them.
28. Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to
order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.
29. You understand that "excuse me" can sound rude, while "scuse
me" is always polite.
30. You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your
nose.
31. You understand that "you" has a plural and that it's "youse".
32. You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to
handle.
33. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the
rules for beach cricket.
34. You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what
they call "Anzac cookies".
35. You still think of Kylie as "that girl off Neighbours".
36. When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally
strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in
fruit.
37. You believe the phrase "smart casual" refers to a pair of black
tracky-daks, suitably laundered.
38. You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.
39. When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel
the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.
40. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the
national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.
41. You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed
essential in the government's new test for migrants.
42. You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one
says "cobber".
43. And you will immediately forward this list to other
Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will
understand.

re: #36

[osmanthus]

Quarantine not Customs,
poza tym wszystko sie zgadza
pzdr

[iza42]

Dobre, usmialam sie, chociaz nie wszystko jeszcze do konca rozumiem.

AUSTRALIAN ETIQUETTE

[szopen_cn]

GENERAL


1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3.It's tacky to take an esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to
take your Ute and trailer to the funeral

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour
slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by
a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his
manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in
private, using one's OWN Ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no - it alters the
taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention
away from your jewellery.

DATING 1

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first
date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: Say......"I've
been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the
dunny door two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some
will say 11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the
answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after
the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests
have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in
your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered
out of place)
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a
cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky
appearance. .
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the
occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your guns
loaded and the roo is in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar
doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's
impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

[szopen_cn]

A Queensland jackeroo is overseeing his herd in remote territory
when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards
him.
The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban
sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the
cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in
your herd, will you give me a calf?'

The jackaroo looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at
his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA
page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation
system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to
another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-
resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the
image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-
SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email
on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response....

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-
tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the
cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says
the Cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on
amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you
exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay,
why not?'

'You work for the Australian Government', says the Jackeroo.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess
that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the jackeroo. 'You showed up here
even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I
already knew, to a question I never asked.

You used all kinds of expensive equipment that clearly somebody
else paid for,
You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you
don't know a thing about cows... this is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.'

[osmanthus]

www.amazingaustralia.com.au/aussie_humor_and_jokes.htm

[ildefrans]

ja tez mam jeden, troche chamski ale smieszny
"What do u call an Aborigine in your mail box ?
A blackmail"

[kan_z_oz]

ildefrans napisał:

> ja tez mam jeden, troche chamski ale smieszny
> "What do u call an Aborigine in your mail box ?
> A blackmail"

ODP: Odnosnie 'blackmail' - przypomial mi sie list Hogana z 2006
roku, ktory twierdzi do tej pory iz padl ofiara 'blackmail' ATO.

List wyslany zostal do ATO oraz SMH. Przeczytalam, podnoszac poranne
wydanie SMH, na pierwszej stronie gazety - nie zapomne wrazenia;
hihihihi

Oto link;
www.fraudbaron.com/Articles/2143PaulHogansNotTaxFraud.pdf
Pozdrawiam
Kan