Na specjalna prosbe Luizy a ku przestrodze innych. Oto ona:
Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom
half of the planet. It is recognizable from orbit because of many unusual
features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of
its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep into the girthing
sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology
and plate tectonics, but they still call it the “Great Australian Bight”
providing that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory, but
they can’t spell either.
The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place.
Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as either
continent, island or country, Australia is considered all three. Typically,
it is unique in this.
The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals. They can be
divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd and Sheep. It is true that of
the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them.
Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous
arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are curiously few
snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all. Any visitors
should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under
toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is
very useful for this task.
Strangely, it tends to be the second class of animals (the Odd) that are more
dangerous. The creature that kills the most people each year is the common
Wombat. It is nearly as ridiculous as its name and spends its life digging
holes in the ground in, which it hides. During the night it comes out to eat
worms and grubs. The wombat kills people in two ways. First, the animal is
indestructible. Digging holes in the hard Australian clay builds muscles that
outclass Olympic weight lifters. At night, they often wander the roads. Semi-
trailers (Road Trains) have hit them at high speed, with all 9 wheels on one
side and this merely makes them very annoyed. They express this by snorting,
glaring and walking away. Alas, to smaller cars, the wombat becomes a
symmetrical launching pad, with results that can be imagined, but not
adequately described.
The second way the wombat kills people relates to its burrowing behaviors. If
a person happens to put their hand down a wombat hole, the wombat will feel
the disturbance and think: “Ho! My hole is collapsing!” at which it will
brace its muscled legs and push up against the roof of its burrow with
incredible force, to prevent its collapse. Any unfortunate hand will be
crushed and attempts to withdraw will cause the wombat to simply bear down
harder.
The unfortunate will then bleed to death through their crushed hand as the
wombat prevents him from seeking assistance. This is considered the third
most embarrassing known way to die, and Australians don’t talk it much. At
this point, we would like to mention the Platypus, estranged relative of the
mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter’s tail, webbed feet, lays eggs, detects
its aquatic prey in the same way as the electric eel and has venomous barbs
attached to its hind legs, thus combining all “typical” Australian attributes
into a single improbable creature.
The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants. First, a short
history: Come time around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived in boats from
the north. They ate all the available food and a lot of them died. The ones
that survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man’s proper place
in the scheme of things and spiders. They settled in and spent a lot of the
intervening time making up strange stories.
Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north. More
accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged and stupid
people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in Autumn (failing to take
account of the reversal of the seasons when moving from the top half of the
planet to the bottom), ate all their food, and a lot of them died. About then
the sheep arrived and have been treasured ever since. It is interesting to
note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to
any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal and litigate
(marks of a civilized culture, they say) – whereas all the Aboriginals can do
is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert,
equipped with a stick. Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being
Europeans on Extended Holiday and became Australians.
The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of
nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look
deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons of being,
and the necessity of checking inside your boots every morning for fatal
surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the
world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories.
Be warned. There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are
simply the nicest and best in the entire world. Although anyone actually
venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish,
stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the shallow sea, pretends to be
a rock, and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just
from the pain), crocodiles and surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset
is worth the risk. As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst and
wombats, you would expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are
genial, jolly cheerful and always willing to share a kind word with a
stranger, unless they are an American.
Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile
disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed
with sheets of corrugated iron, string and mud. Alone of all the races on
earth, they seem to be free from the “grass is greener on the other side of
the fence” syndrome, and proudly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the
other side of that fence. They call the land “Oz”, “Godzone” (a verbal
contraction of “God’s Own Country”
and “Best bloody place on earth, bar
none, strewth”.
The irritating thing about his is they may be right. There are some traps for
the unsuspecting traveler, though. Do not under any circumstances suggest
that the beer is imperfect, unless you are comparing it to another kind of
Australian beer. Do not wear a Hawaiian shirt. Religion and Politics are safe
topics of conversation (Australians don’t care too much about either) but
Sport is a minefield. The only correct answer to “So, howdya’ like our
country, eh?” is “Best {insert your own regional swear word here} country in
the world!”.
It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will ‘adopt’
you on your first night and take you to a pub where Australian beer is
served. Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form of initiation
rite. You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing hangover, a foul-
taste in your mouth and wearing strange clothes. Your hosts will usually make
sure you get home, and waive off any legal difficulties with “It’s his first
time in Australia, so we took him to the pub”, to which the policeman will
sagely nod and close his notebook. Be sure to tell the story of these events
to every other Australian you encounter, adding new embellishments at every
stage and noting how strong
