Gość: Krakow
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08.10.07, 20:58
Stop being negative
How to Help Negative People
www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2006/06/how-to-help-negative-people
Many people have asked me how they can help someone who’s stuck in
negative thinking or depression. Here are some tips on how to do
that.
No matter what happens, stay positive
I once visited the house of an old acquaintance, and as soon as I
saw him, I felt a wave of darkness pouring over me. I regretted
stopping by almost immediately. No matter how many times I changed
the subject, he proceeded to spin every topic of discussion into an
excuse to complain about what he disliked about his life, other
people, and the world at large. After 30 minutes I couldn’t take it
anymore and had to leave. This man was a major energy vampire,
trying to get me to agree with all his imaginary woes in order to
validate his victimhood. His dissatisfaction was palpable as I
refused to join him in his self-made prison, which only made him
want to try harder. But he was getting out of life exactly what he
intended. He was a victim because he thought himself a victim.
One of the most important considerations when helping someone in a
negative state is that you must avoid falling into negativity
yourself. Negative people are energy vampires. They have an almost
endless capacity to dwell on what they don’t want, whining and
complaining about their lives while denying responsibility for their
results. Their fear blocks the natural flow of energy from within,
so they must get it from other people instead. After spending a few
hours with them, you’ll usually feel drained, tired, worried, or
stressed. Positive people, on the other hand, have overcome their
fears to such a degree that their energy flows outward.
Consequently, they give energy instead of taking it. After spending
time with very positive people, you’ll tend to feel energized,
uplifted, and inspired. Most people are somewhere in the middle
though, so the energy exchange tends to be close to neutral.
It makes no difference what particular circumstances negative people
blame for their negative outlook. Ultimately it’s still a choice
rooted in free will. No matter how unconscious the person was when
making the decision to sink into negativity, in this moment that
person still has the power to choose otherwise. So if you decide to
help such a person, your primary role is to help guide him to make a
more conscious choice, one that will likely be much more empowering.
How can you help negative people?
When I was earning my lifesaving merit badge as a Boy Scout, I
learned that if you want to save someone who’s drowning, the last
thing you should do is jump in after him. Instead you should think
through these steps in order: reach, throw, row, go. First, grab a
pole or a stick and reach out to the person. If the person is too
far away or won’t grab the pole, then try throwing him a life
preserver. If that doesn’t work, hop in a boat, row out to him, and
extend an oar for him to grab. And as a last resort, you can swim
out to save him yourself if you’re trained in how to do that.
Let’s consider how this same process can be used to help someone
who’s stuck in a negative mindset.
Reach
Negative people are a danger not only to themselves but also to
those around them. Consequently, it’s important to preserve your
own state of mind while trying to help them. You won’t help a
drowning victim by jumping in the water, flailing your arms, and
screaming right beside him. Yet some people use this highly
ineffective strategy when trying to help negative friends out of
depression. Joining a negative person in a whining session only
reinforces his negativity and makes you feel worse about your own
life, even though it can temporarily make someone feel better to
know he doesn’t have to drown alone. Negative people have an
endless supply of pity party invitations. If you receive one, don’t
RSVP.
If the person isn’t too far gone, you can reach out and try to hoist
him back up to a more positive state. This is best used on people
who are within range of you, especially someone who’s normally
positive or neutral but has become temporarily lost under a pile of
fear and worry. Reach out to him with a kind gesture. Do what you
can to cheer him up and bring him back to the positive side. Invite
him to an upbeat social event. Take him out to eat and talk about
positive memories together. If he tries to get you to join him in
his negative thinking, don’t. Keep the discussion positive as you
coax him back to shore.
Sometimes when my wife starts to lose it (which can happen at
certain times of the month), I get her to stop whatever she’s doing,
and I give her a 5-minute foot massage. This usually succeeds in
bringing her around because it switches her focus. Given the option
between focusing on her problems or focusing on her feet, she
chooses the feet so she can enjoy the pleasure of the massage. By
the time the massage is over, she may not be totally happy, but
she’s at least feeling more content.
Reaching out to someone in a negative state is effective in
combating mild or temporary negativity. Sometimes a kind word and
some attention from a friend is all that’s needed to turn things
around. But when this solution isn’t effective or appropriate, then
we move on to…
Throw
If the person is a bit farther out in the sea of negativity, you
might not be able to reach him directly. Perhaps he refuses your
initial attempts to help him. Maybe he’s in denial of the problem
even though it’s obvious to everyone else. In this situation you
can try a more indirect approach by throwing him a life preserver.
Ask a mutual friend or family member to intervene. Send the person
a book or CD you think may help. Write him a card or letter to
remind him that you care. You can even use cards and letters with
someone who lives with you, which often works well when verbal
discussions are too easily derailed. Get creative or do something
humorous to help interrupt his negative pattern and bring him back
to the table. For example, record a personal audio message, and
sneak it onto his iPod.
If your first throw doesn’t work, keep tossing until the person
grabs on. But if the attempts begins to wear you out, you can make
one final toss, and say, “That’s it! Either you grab the life
preserver, or I’m cutting you off.” Sometimes an ultimatum is the
only way to get the person’s attention, but don’t use them unless
your other attempts fail.
Many years ago one of my wife’s friends was in a destructive
downward spiral, frequently hurting herself and others. After
various attempts at trying to help her, my wife decided to write her
a long letter. In that letter she expressed her feelings about this
woman’s destructive behavior, offered the best advice she could, and
said that their friendship had to end as a result of this woman’s
choices. My wife realized she had to let this friendship go, but
she attempted to toss one final life preserver in the form of that
letter. For years we never heard from that woman again, and then
out of the blue she contacted my wife again. The woman relayed how
my wife’s letter had a powerful transformative impact on her. It
made her take a hard look at herself and became the impetus for
turning her life around. Even though her initial reaction to the
letter was far from positive, in the long run she was grateful for
