himera24
18.10.05, 18:55
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed accordingly to your salary.
If
we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you
are
doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress
poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may
buy
nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress just
right,
you are right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday and Sunday.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
strict
three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the three minutes,
an
alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door
will
open and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company
bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught
smiling
in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health
policy!
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that
they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch,
because
that's all the time they needed to drink a slim fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide
a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions,
comments,concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should
be
directed elsewhere.
The Management.
