English HUMOR only (available in dialects)

[waldek.usa]

Paddy & the Three Pints




An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and
sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he
finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it
would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America,
the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we
promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank
together."

The bartender admitted that this is a nice custom.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He
orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and
fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the
bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer
my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then it occurs to him what's
happening. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."




...and for those from UK - in cockney












keep scrolling











Paddy & the bloody Free Pints

An Irishman walks into a boozer in Dublin, orders free pints of Guinness and
sits in the back of the bloomin' room, right, drinkin' a sip out of each one
in turn. Wen 'e finishes them, he comes hammer and tack to the bloody bar and
orders free more. The bartender tells 'im, right, "Yer know, a pint goes flat
after I dror it; it would taste better if yer bought one at a time." The
Irishman replies, right, "Well, yer see, right, I 'ave two bruvvers, init?One
is in America, the uvver in Australia, and I'm bloody well 'ere in Dublin.
Cor blimey guv, would I lie to you? Wen we all left 'ome, we promised that
we'd drink this way ter remember the bloomin' days wen we drank togeffer."
The bartender admitted that this is a nice custom. The bloody Irishman
becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: 'e orders free
pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints,
right? All the uvver regulars notice and fall silent, right? Wen 'e comes
hammer and tack to the bloody bar for the second round, the chuffin'
bartender says, right, "I don't want ter intrude on yor grief, but I wanted
ter offer me condolences on yor great loss." The Irishman 'ave a looks
confused for a mument, ffen it occurs ter him woss 'appenin'. "Oh, no," 'e
says, "evry geezer's not so bad. I've just quit drinkin'."

[Gość: dradam]

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan
Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan.


His response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the
response letter.
--------------------------------------------------
>
SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023;
T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County


Dear Mr. DeVries:


It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that
there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of
property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/ or contractor who
did the following unauthorized activity:


Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream
of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of
activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been
issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in
violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being
sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.


The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed
during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream
locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot
be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all
activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition
by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All
restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2003.


Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a
follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with
this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in
this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.


We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.


Sincerely,


David L. Price District Representative
Land and Water Management Division


-----------------------------


** This is the actual response sent back: **




Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N;
R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.


Dear Mr. Price,


Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am
the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A
couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and
maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.
While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think
they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures
building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to
attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I
believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam
skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence,
their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.


As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first
fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.


My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my
Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to
conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these
particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed
copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.
Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland
Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act,
Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of
the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.


I have several concerns. My first concern is... aren't the beavers entitled to
legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are
unable to pay for said representation, so the State will have to provide them
with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the
dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a
natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other
words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them
and calling their dam names.


If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact
the beavers, but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay
any attention to your dam letter... they being unable to read English.


In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their
unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water
flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring
Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives
up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the
environment (Beavers' Dams).


So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred
for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003? The
Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for
you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.


In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental
quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually
defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the
defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate
the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)


Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you
on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.


Thank You,


Ryan DeVries & The Dam Beavers

Kiwi humor

[Gość: ToeToe]

Good Excuse

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on
the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and
he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights
behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened
her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him.

"What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the
car.

"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the
13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the
overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I
haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran
off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

[Gość: ToeToe]

A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road
from the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the woman leans
out the window and yells, PIG! The man immediately leans out his window
and yells, SL*T! They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds
the next curve, he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road and
dies.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: If only men would listen.;))

[mmaly]

Więcej dowcipow po angielsku u mnie na stronie:
mega.power.pl/jokes.html
Możesz się tam też zapisać na subskrybcję dowcipów - codziennie dowcip emailem.

guys ! Save all your beer cans !

[Gość: dradam]

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box
under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 30 years of marriage Hillary never looked. However, on the
afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and
she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans
and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the
bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as
to why there even was such a box with such contents.

That evening they were out for a special Anniversary dinner. After
dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed,
saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never
looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was
too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the 3
beer cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you
deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an
empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it
again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am
very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However since you are
addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that
bad considering your problem." Bill thanked her for being so
understanding. They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later Hillary asked Bill, so why do you have all that
money in the box? Bill answered; "Well, whenever the box filled up with
empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for
cash".

[Gość: sleepy]

dam right you should get the biscuit for the best dam joke so far!
:))

[Gość: sleepy]

hey... i wonna more jookes......

[Gość: dradam]

Gość portalu: sleepy napisał(a):

> hey... i wonna more jookes......


Sure :

Job Application
[e-mail]

(chuckle, heard it)


A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in
the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to
type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an
Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the
sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged
his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The
office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the
least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the
office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the
manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have
to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and
proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and
trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on
the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign
says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog
proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked
flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally
dumb-founded!

He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very
intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I
still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a
copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about
being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the
sign also says that you have to be bilingual".

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said "Meow".



Rest ( > 6000) is available at : www.netfunny.com/rhf/

Have a nice day !


dradam

PS. Do you want more ?

[Gość: aniczka]

ABC

Wilfred had just learned his abc's and was very scared of doing them in front
of the class. The teacher, though, told him that the best way to conquer his
fears would be to just go ahead and do it. So, trembling, he stood in front of
the class and began.
"ABCDEFGHIJLKMNOQRSTUVWXYZ."

"Very good, Wilfred. But you forgot the P. Where's the P?

"It's running down my leg."

kitty (dirty)

[Gość: dradam]

A married couple was lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go
to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading,
he would periodically reach over to his wife and fondle her "kitty." He did
this a few times but only for a very short time each time. He would then stop
and resume reading his book.

The wife gradually became aroused and thought that her husband was seeking some
response before going any further. She got up and started stripping in front of
him. The husband was confused and asked:" What are you doing taking your
clothes off?"

The wife replied, 'you were playing with my kitty. "I thought you were trying
to give me the hint you wanted to make love tonight?!"
The husband said," No, not at all." The wife then asked, "Well, why the hell
were you touching me here then!"

The husband replied, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the page.

All my faults

[mmaly]

Some members of a health club were having their
first meeting. The director of the group said,
"Now, I'd like each of you to give the facts
of your daily routine."

Several people spoke, admitting their excesses,
and then one obviously overweight members said,
"I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I
exercise frequently."

"Hmm?" said the manager. "And are you sure
you having nothing else to add?"

"Well, yes," said the member. "I lie extensively."

Fido , police dog

[Gość: dradam]

Police office George and officer Mary had been assigned to walk the beat.<br />
They had only been out a short while when Mary said "Damn, I was running late
this morning and forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station
to get them."
George replied "We don't have to go back, just give Fido, my trusty police dog,
one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."
It was a hot day, and Mary didn't fell like heading back to the station, so she
lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and
snorting. After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the
wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.
Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido. Ten minutes pass, and the dog is
nowhere to be seen.
Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.
Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get
louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the
corner with the Desk Sergeant's balls in his mouth!

tlumaczenia

[Gość: dradam]

The Rules of the Game

1. THE FEMALE ALWAYS MAKES THE RULES.

2. The rules are subject to change at any time without notification

3. No male can possibly know all the rules. Nearly all females are born with
this knowledge.

4. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she may immediately
change some or all of them.

5. THE FEMALE IS NEVER WRONG

6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a misunderstanding which was a
direct result of something the male did or said wrong.

7. If rule #6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the
misunderstanding.

8. THE FEMALE CAN CHANGE HER MIND AT ANY GIVEN POINT IN TIME.

9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the
female.

10. THE FEMALE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO BE ANGRY OR UPSET AT ANY TIME.

11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be
angry or upset.

12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she
wants him to be angry or upset.

13. Any attempt by the male to change these rules is against the rules.
Back to the Top



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Man's Guide to What a Woman is Really Saying:

Yes = No.

No = Yes.

I'm sorry = you'll be sorry.

We need = I want.

Do whatever you want to = You'll pay for this later.

We need to talk = I need to complain.

Sure - go ahead = I don't want you to.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you MORON!.

You're so manly = you need to shave and you sweat a lot.

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you think about ?

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpets, and furniture, and wallpaper ...

Do you Love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me = I did something today you're really not going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.

The answer to the question " What's wrong? "

The same old thing = Nothing. Nothing = Everything.
Everything = My hormones are acting up.

CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS? = There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part
of your body touch any part of mine again.

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE = Without you in it....

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS? = We haven't had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA'S FINE = You cheap slob!

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW = I just don't want you as a boyfriend now

I DON'T KNOW; WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? = I can't believe you have nothing
planned.

COME HERE = Hee hee....my puppy does that too....

I LIKE YOU, BUT... = I don't like you.

YOU NEVER LISTEN = You never listen.

WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY = I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if
this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE = I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I
know you will.

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF = I'm just being nice; there is no way I'm going
Dutch.

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS = We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you
and your friends.
Back to the Top



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Woman's Guide to What a Man is Really Saying:

I'M HUNGRY = I'm hungry.

I'M SLEEPY = I'm sleepy.

I'M TIRED = I'm tired.

I'VE GOT TO PEE = Get out of the way.

I'VE GOT TO GO = Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.

CAN I CALL YOU SOMETIME? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

DO YOU WANT TO GO TO A MOVIE? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

CAN I TAKE YOU OUT TO DINNER? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

CAN I GET YOUR COAT? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

LET ME GET YOUR DOOR = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

MAY I HAVE THIS DANCE? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

YOU LOOK TENSE, LET ME GIVE YOU A MASSAGE = I want to fondle you.

WHAT'S WRONG? = I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this.

WHAT'S WRONG? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you
going through now?

WHAT'S WRONG? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

I'M BORED = Do you want to have sex?

I LOVE YOU = Let's have sex now!

I LOVE YOU TOO = OK, I said it. We'd better have sex now!

GOOD MORNING = That was great sex. Let's have more!

SEE YOU LATER = That was great sex. Let's do it again sometime!

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR = I liked it better before.

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR = $50 and it doesn't look that much
different!

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR = For $50 they should have GIVEN you hair!

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR = You cut your hair?

LET'S TALK = I'm trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and
maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

WILL YOU MARRY ME? = I might as well get tax benefits for going through these
talks.

WILL YOU MARRY ME? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other
guys.

WHILE SHOPPING:

YES, THAT ONE'S NICE = Why do you ask when you aren't going to listen anyway?

THAT ONE LOOKS GREAT ON YOU = Pick any freaking' dress and let's go home!

I LIKE THAT ONE BETTER = Pick any freaking' dress and let's go home!

UH HUH = Pick any freaking' dress and let's go home!

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

I DON'T THINK THAT BLOUSE AND THAT SKIRT GO WELL TOGETHER = I'm gay!

IT MAKES YOU LOOK FAT = I am incredibly stupid!