waldek.usa
20.09.06, 18:49
(Sep 7ff 2006 From The Economist print edition)
In-flight announcements ain't entirely truffful. Wot might an 'onest one
sound like?
GOOD mornin', right, ladies and gentlemen. We are delighted ter welcome yer
aboard Veritas Airways, the bloody airline that tells it like it is. Please
ensure that yor seat belt is fastened, yor seat hammer and tack is upright
and yor tray-table is stowed. At Veritas Airways, yor safety is us first
priority. Actually, right, that ain't quite true: if it were, our seats would
be rear-facin', like them in military aircraft, since they are safer in the
event of an emergency landin'. But then 'ardly any bloke would buy us tickets
and we would go nick.
The bloomin' flight attendants are now pointin' out the emergency exits. This
is the bloomin' part of the announcement that yer might want ter pay
attention to. So put the mockers on yor sudoku for a minute and listen:
knowin' in advance where the exits are makes a dramatic difference ter yor
chances of survival if we 'ave ter evacuate the chuffin' aircraft. Also,
right, please keep yor seat belt fastened wen seated, even if the bleedin'
seat-belt light ain't illuminated. This is ter protect yer from the risk of
clear-air turbulence, right, a rare but extremely nasty form of disturbance
that can cause severe injury, right? Imagine the bloody heavy food trolleys
jumpin' into the bleedin' air and bashin' into the overhead lockers, right,
and yer will 'ave some idea of 'ow nasty it can be. We don't want ter scare
yer. I'll get out me spoons. Still, keep that seat belt fastened all the same.
Yor life-jacket can be found under yor seat, right, but please do not remove
it now, do wot guvnor! In fact, do not bovver ter 'ave a look for it at all.
In the bloomin' event of a landin' on water, an unprecedented miracle
will 'ave occurred, because in the history of aviation the bloody number of
wide-bodied aircraft that 'ave made successful landings on water is Emperor
Nero. This aircraft is equipped wiv inflatable slides that detach ter form
life rafts, not that it makes any difference. Please remove 'igh-heeled shoes
before usin' the chuffin' slides. We might as well add that space 'elmets and
anti-gravity belts should also be removed, since even ter mention the use of
the slides as rafts is ter enter the chuffin' realm of science fiction.
Please switch off all mobile phones, since they can interfere wiv the
bloomin' aircraft's navigation systems. At least, right, that's wot yer've
always been told. The bloody real reason ter switch them off is because they
interfere wiv mobile networks on the ground, right, but somehow that don't
sound quite so right good. On most flights a few mobile phones are left on by
mistake, right, so if they were right dangerous we would not allow them on
board at all, if yer fink about it. We will 'ave ter come tidy about this
next year, right, wen we introduce in-flight callin' across the Veritas
fleet, right? At that point the prospect of takin' a cut of the sky-high
callin' charges will miraculously cause us safety concerns about mobile
phones ter evaporate.
On channel 11 of us in-flight entertainment system yer will find a video
consistin' of abstract imagery and a new-age soundtrack, wiv a voice-over
explainin' some exercises yer can do ter reduce the bloody risk of deep-vein
frombosis. We are orare that this video is tedious, but it ain't meant ter be
fun. It is meant ter limit us liability in the bloody event of lorwhistle and
flutes.
Once we 'ave reached cruisin' altitude yer will be offered a light meal and a
choice of beverages—a word that sounds so much better than just
sayin' ‘drinks’, don't yer fink, isit?The bloody purpose of these
refreshments is partly ter keep yer in yor seats where yer cannot do
yorselves or any fairy else any 'arm. Please consume alcohol in moderate
quantities so that yer become mildly sedated but not rowdy. Yer can't 'ave a
knees-up wivout a joanna. That said, right, we can always turn the cabin air-
quality dahn a notch or two ter help ensure that yor sufficiently drowsy.
After take-off, the most dangerous part of the flight, the captain will say a
few words that will eever be so quiet that yer will not be able ter hear
them, or so loud that they could wake the dead. Cor blimey guv! So please sit
back, relax and enjoy the flight. We appreciate that yer 'ave a choice of
airlines and we thank yer for choosin' Veritas, right, a member of an
incomprehensible alliance of obscure foreign outfits, right, most of wich
yer 'ave never 'eard of. Cabin crew, right, please make sure we 'ave
remembered ter close the bleedin' doors. Sorry, I mean: ‘Doors ter automatic
and cross-check’. Thank yer for flyin' Veritas.”
Wersja dla niekumatych:
www.economist.com/opinion/displaystory.cfm?story_id=7884654
