best jokes ever :D

[emeralda]

Czołem! Czy macie ulubione kawały w języku angielskim? Jeśli tak, podzielcie
się :D

[emeralda]

- Why is 6 afraid of 7?
- Because 7, 8, 9!

[emeralda]

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"It’s cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"

[emeralda]

- Why is a man with sunglasses like a bad teacher?
- Because he likes to keep his pupils in the dark.

[emeralda]

- Why were the two flies playing football in a saucer?
- They were practising for the cup.

P.S. Niedługo przepiszę całego Watcyna-Jonesa... :)

[emeralda]

Dziś to już chyba nie "joke" a "story" :)

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman
may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of
the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or
you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the
building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the
sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The second floor sign
reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are
extremely good-looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs,
love kids, are drop-dead good-looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy
me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have
jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a
strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - you are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this
floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

................................................................................

A new Wives Store opened across the street. It operates the same way as the
Husband Store.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

[emeralda]

Dziś chwila refleksji z przymrużeniem oka:

The English Language

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.

[emeralda]

A teraz coś z podobnej beczki:

Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present
the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Czy zostaliście przekonani? Ja nie :)