Bushes?

03.11.04, 17:02
A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son

Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where
we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen
within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the
address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with
them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This
place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled
the chain and haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three
days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to
send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail
with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We
got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final
payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes. About your sister, she had
a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so
don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey
vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he
drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Three of your friends
went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in
the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery.
The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down. Not much more news
this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me
know and I will send another one.
Love, Ma

    • Gość: milka Re: Bushes? IP: *.sip.asm.bellsouth.net 03.11.04, 17:18
      ......roll on the floor laughing......
      • fibin Re: Bushes? 04.11.04, 17:18
        An aging pirate of the high seas was talking with a mate one day about his
        pending retirement. "You ought to be compensated for your peg leg, hook for a
        hand and the patch on your eye," said the mate. "You might want to check it out
        before retiring." So the pirate went to the compensation board to see for
        himself. "How did you loose your leg?" asked the clerk behind the
        counter. "Well me and my maties was sailing the high seas one day when the boom
        swang around and knocked me into the water and a shark got me leg." Replied the
        pirate. "OK", said the clerk, "How did you loose your hand?" "Well me and my
        maties were sailing the high seas one day and the boom swang around and knocked
        me into the water and a shark got me hand." The clerk wrote down his response
        again, looked up, noticing the patch on his eye asked, "Is that how you lost
        your eye? "Oh no, said the pirate, One day me and the maties were sailing the
        high seas and a sea gull landed on the boom. I looked up and it shit in me
        eye." "You don't loose an eye that way!" scoffed the clerk. "But it was the
        first day with me new hook!" the pirate cried.
      • fibin Re: Bushes? 05.11.04, 07:32
        Why should I roll on the floor laughing? Tell me why, please:)
        • i.nes RE: ROTFL 05.11.04, 13:35
          What Milka meant was: roll_ING_ one the floor, laughing.
          That's what she was doing after having read the joke :)
          • Gość: milka Re: RE: ROTFL IP: *.sip.asm.bellsouth.net 06.11.04, 00:16
            ye.. ye.. ye..that was so funny that I couldn't hold it
            you have really off-beat sense of humor;

            smicky tazem se po zemi
            • fibin Re: RE: ROTFL 07.11.04, 20:18
              I see, thanks. Have a good rolling:)
          • fibin Re: RE: ROTFL 07.11.04, 20:17
            I see, thanks:)

            To say the truth I thought she meant "rolling" indeed, but wasn't dead sure.
            Now I am:)
    • fibin Re: Bushes? 05.11.04, 07:33
      A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from
      his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his
      manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was
      considered cosmetic. The Dr. said that the cost would be $3500 for "small,"
      $6500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a
      medium or large, but the Dr. urged him to talk it over with his wife before he
      made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their
      options. The Dr. came back into the room, and found the man looking quite
      dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the Doctor. The man
      answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."
      • Gość: ix Re: Bushes? IP: *.chello.pl 05.11.04, 13:18
        Fine jokes, thankx fibin, first is pure masterpiece... Can't waiting for
        more...
        • fibin Here you are:) 07.11.04, 20:31
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          Great as humor, bad as ads...

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          mess.

          Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

          A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in
          appetizing forms.

          Dinner Special
    • fibin Re: Bushes? 07.11.04, 20:41
      Redneck Sex Test
      1. The clitoris is a type of flower.
      True or False

      2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
      True or False

      3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
      True or False

      4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.
      True or False

      5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
      True or False

      6. A G-string is part of a fiddle.
      True or False

      7. Semen is a term for sailors.
      True or False

      8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
      True or False

      9. Testicles are found on an Octopus.
      True or False

      10. Asphalt describes rectal problems.
      True or False

      11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
      True or False

      12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
      True or False

      13. Coitus is a musical instrument.
      True or False

      14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
      True or False

      15. An umbilical chord is part of a parachute.
      True or False

      16. A condom is a large apartment complex.
      True or False

      17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
      True or False

      18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
      True or False

      19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
      True or False

      20. An erection is when Japanese people vote.
      True or False

      21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
      True or False

      22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.
      True or False

      23. Pornography is the business of making records.
      True or False

      24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
      True or False

      25. Douche is the French word for "twelve".
      True or False
      • fibin Strange facts 07.11.04, 20:52

        The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred
        and Wilma Flintstone.

        Coca-Cola was originally green.

        Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

        Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.

        Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.

        City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong

        State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

        Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%

        Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

        Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33

        Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

        Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.

        Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

        The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

        The youngest pope was 11 years old.

        First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

        The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

        Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

        Spades - King David
        Clubs - Alexander the Great,
        Hearts-Charlemagne, and
        Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

        111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

        If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air,
        the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the
        person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four
        legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

        Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John
        Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last
        signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

        "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

        The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the South
        Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun
        ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If
        the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."

        Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like
        it's kissing the conveyor belt.

        The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that
        you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

        The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be
        straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or
        other emergencies.

        The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General
        Purpose" vehicle, G.P.

        The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of
        diesel that it burns.

        No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a
        Superbowl.

        The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games
        (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League
        all-stars Game.
    • fibin Re: Bushes? 10.11.04, 19:47
      A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and
      the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his
      face. The best man says, ''Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married,
      but what's up - you look so excited.'' The groom replies, ''I just had the best
      blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful
      woman who gave it to me.'' The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too,
      has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this
      and says, ''Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but
      what's up, you look so excited.'' The bride replies ''I have just given the
      last blow job of my entire life.''
    • fibin Re: Bushes? 11.11.04, 11:31
      A guy was taking a new bus route for the first time. He sat down and watched as
      a woman got on the bus. When the driver looked at her, she took her right hand
      and put her thumb on her forehead and waved her fingers at the driver. The
      driver then took both of his hands and put the thumb of his right hand on his
      forehead and the thumb of his left hand on his right hand and he waved all of
      his fingers at the woman. The woman then took her right arm, extended it, and
      ran her left hand up her arm. The driver, in response, extended his right arm
      and ran his left hand down his arm. The lady then proceeded to grab her right
      breast. The driver reached down and grabbed his crotch. The lady turned away
      from the driver, grabbed her butt and got off the bus. The man was amazed at
      this. When he got to his stop, he asked the driver about the lady. "What did
      that lady and you say to each other a couple of stops back?" he asked. The
      driver replied, "Oh, the deaf woman? It's very simple. I told her that the fare
      was 10 cents. She asked if I was going uptown. I told her that I was going
      downtown. She then asked me if I was going by the dairy. I said that I was
      going by the ballpark. She replied, 'Oh, shit! I'm on the wrong bus!'"
      • fibin The school report:) 02.01.05, 23:37
        Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what
        Politics is."

        Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so
        let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call
        her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll
        call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you
        understand son?"

        Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

        That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was
        wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went
        to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's
        room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the
        maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so
        the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

        The next morning he reported to his father.

        Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."

        Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

        Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is
        sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of
        $hit."
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