dreptak2k
24.02.04, 19:05
Wprawdzie to juz bylo - sam kiedys zamiescilem - ale znalazlo sie tylu
narzekaczy na Australia, ze trzeba by im cos dac do pisania. Niech
przynajmniej wiedza na co maja nazekac. Niestety o angielskj:
We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional
wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from
NewZealand), and although we live in the best country in the world, we
reserve the right to bitc*h and moan about it whenever we bloody like. We are
One Nation but divided into many States. First there is Victoria. Victoria
is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day, and big
horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is
that "it's liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us think
it is too blood*y cold and wet.
Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin
books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has
more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its mascots
are Bondi lifesavers that pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left
and right sides of their brains separate.
Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that
bonk's together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome
at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds
the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to
beat no matter how often they try. South Australia is the province of half-
decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the
state of innovation. Where else can you so effectively reuse country bank
vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a
queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent
the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.
Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. Its main claim to
fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did, all the men
would get erection's on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to
stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the government
and business.
The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep
stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, Jackaroos, emus, Uluru, and dusty
kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on
the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere
too. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few
of us live there and the rest prefer to flyover it on our way to Bali.
And then there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a
document defining a nation of half arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that
God probably made Queensland, as it's beautiful one day and perfect the
next...but why she/he filled it with a bunch of dickheads remains a mystery.
Oh yes and there's Canberra. The less said the better.
We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists and
turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our lust for
international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a rag
tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing.
We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party albeit a
redneck gun toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in
Federal Parliament. Not that we're whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy
immigrants.
We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate"
our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (so what if
it's about a sheep-stealing criminal). We love sport so much our newsreaders
can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning.
And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, l like cricket,
netball, rugby league and union, AFL, roo shooting, two up and horse racing.
We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, and the worst dressed
Olympians in the known universe. Only in Australia can a pizza delivery get
to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Australia do we have bank
doors wide open, no security guards, or cameras but chain the pens to the
desk. Stand proud Aussies - we shoot, we roo*t, we vote. We are girt by sea
and pisse*d by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed minded,
sports obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it. I am, you
are, we are Australian! P.S We also shoot and eat the two animals that are
on our NationalCrest!!!! No other country has this distinction!
