Dla potencjalnych emigrantow do Oz

[dreptak2k]

Dostalem wlasnie cos takiego poczta. Wszyscy ci, ktorzy mysla o emigracji do
australii powinni to przeczytac.

Celebrating the Aussie Spirit

WE, the people of the big ochre land of Oz, wish to be recognised as a free
nation of blokes and shiela's. We come from many lands (although a few too many
of them come from New Zealand) and, although we live in the best country in the
world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.

We are One Nation but we're divided into many States. First, there's Victoria,
named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of
Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day and big horse races. Its
capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that it's "liveable". At
least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and
wet.

Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books
read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has more queens
than any other city in the world, and is proud of it.
Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep
the left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that
bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at
conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the
world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no
matter how often they try.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners
and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation, where else can you so
effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of
Adelaide (also named after a queen).
They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the
Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant in this document.
It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it
did all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the
last state to stop importing convicts, and >many of them still work there in
the government and business.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep
stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, jackaroos, emus, Ulurus and dusty kids
with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the
planet, and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too.
Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us
live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.

And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document
defining a nation of half-arsed agnostics, it is worth noting that God probably
made Queensland. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a >mystery.

Oh yes, and there's Canberra. The least said the better.

We, the citizens of Oz, are united by the Pacific Highway, whose treacherous
twists and turns kill more of us each year than die by murder.

We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for
praise we leap in joy when a ragtag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us
Sydney is better than Beijing.

We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party, albeit a redneck
gun-toting one,can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal
Parliament while bloody Brian Harradine can get 24,000 votes and run the whole
country.

Not that we're whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants.

We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate"
our national attitude, and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (So what if
it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide).

We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing
race and still tell us who's winning in the same breath. And we're the best in
the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby, AFL, roo-
shooting, two-up and horse racing.

We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, the blackest aborigines and
the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe. We shoot, we root, we vote.
We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime.

And even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little
people, at least we're better than the Kiwis.

[Gość: Wombat]

Very good indeed, jestem ciekawy kto jest autorem...

[Gość: maz]

Hej!!! To jest naprawde dobre.
Juz wyslalem pare kopii znajomym.POM'om tez.
Masz wiecej takich tekstow???????

[Gość: dreptak]

I jeszcze cos takiego znalazlem w swoim archiwum.

Douglas Adams (Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy)

Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom
half of the planet. It is recognizable from orbit because of many unusual
features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken our of its
southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep into the girting sea.
Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology and plate
tectonics, but they still call it the “Great Australian Bight” providing that
not only are they covering up a more frightening theory, but they can’t spell
either.

The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place.
Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as either continent,
island or country, Australia is considered all three. Typically, it is unique
in this.

The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals. They can be divided
into three categories: Poisonous, Odd and Sheep. It is true that of the 10 most
poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would
be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has
all of them. However, there are curiously few snakes, possibly because the
spiders have killed them all. Any visitors should be careful to check inside
boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats (before sitting down) and
generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task.

Strangely, it tends to be the second class of animals (the Odd) that are more
dangerous. The creature that kills the most people each year is the common
Wombat. It is nearly as ridiculous as its name and spends its life digging
holes in the ground in, which it hides. During the night it comes out to eat
worms and grubs. The wombat kills people in two ways. First, the animal is
indestructible. Digging holes in the hard Australian clay builds muscles that
outclass Olympic weight lifters. At night, they often wander the roads. Semi-
trailers (Road Trains) have hit them at high speed, with all 9 wheels on one
side and this merely makes them very annoyed. They express this by snorting,
glaring and walking away. Alas, to smaller cars, the wombat becomes a
symmetrical launching pad, with results that can be imagined, but not
adequately described.

The second way the wombat kills people relates to its burrowing behaviors. If a
person happens to put their hand down a wombat hole, the wombat will feel the
disturbance and think: “Ho! My hole is collapsing!” at which it will brace its
muscled legs and push up against the roof of its burrow with incredible force,
to prevent its collapse. Any unfortunate hand will be crushed and attempts to
withdraw will cause the wombat to simply bear down harder.

The unfortunate will then bleed to death through their crushed hand as the
wombat prevents him from seeking assistance. This is considered the third most
embarrassing known way to die, and Australians don’t talk it much. At this
point, we would like to mention the Platypus, estranged relative of the mammal,
which has a duck-bill, otter’s tail, webbed feet, lays eggs, detects its
aquatic prey in the same way as the electric eel and has venomous barbs
attached to its hind legs, thus combining all “typical” Australian attributes
into a single improbable creature.

The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants. First, a short
history: Come time around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived in boats from
the north. They ate all the available food and a lot of them died. The ones
that survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man’s proper place in
the scheme of things and spiders. They settled in and spent a lot of the
intervening time making up strange stories.

Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north. More
accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged and stupid people
in charge. They tried to plant their crops in Autumn (failing to take account
of the reversal of the seasons when moving from the top half of the planet to
the bottom), ate all their food, and a lot of them died. About then the sheep
arrived and have been treasured ever since. It is interesting to note here that
the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they
encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal and litigate (marks of a civilized
culture, they say) – whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive
being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.
Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on Extended Holiday
and became Australians.

The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of
nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look
deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons of being,
and the necessity of checking inside your boots every morning for fatal
surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the
world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories.

Be warned. There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are
simply the nicest and best in the entire world. Although anyone actually
venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish,
stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the shallow sea, pretends to be a
rock, and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from
the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.
As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would expect
Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly cheerful and
always willing to share a kind word with a stranger, unless they are an
American.

Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly
and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets
of corrugated iron, string and mud. Alone of all the races on earth, they seem
to be free from the “grass is greener on the other side of the fence” syndrome,
and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence.
They call the land “Oz”, “Godzone” (a verbal contraction of “God’s Own
Country” and “Best bloody place on earth, bar none, strewth”.

The irritating thing about his is they may be right. There are some traps for
the unsuspecting traveler, though. Do not under any circumstances suggest that
the beer is imperfect, unless you are comparing it to another kind of
Australian beer. Do not wear a Hawaiian shirt. Religion and Politics are safe
topics of conversation (Australians don’t care too much about either) but Sport
is a minefield. The only correct answer to “So, howdya’ like our country, eh?”
is “Best {insert your own regional swear word here} country in the world!”.

It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will ‘adopt’ you
on your first night and take you to a pub where Australian beer is served.
Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form of initiation rite. You
will wake up late the next day with an astonishing hangover, a foul-taste in
your mouth and wearing strange clothes. Your hosts will usually make sure you
get home, and waive off any legal difficulties with “It’s his first time in
Australia, so we took him to the pub”, to which the policeman will sagely nod
and close his notebook. Be sure to tell the story of these events to every
other Australian you encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage and

[dreptak2k]

Nie wszystko sie zmiescilo, oto zakonczenie.

It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will ‘adopt’ you
on your first night and take you to a pub where Australian beer is served.
Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form of initiation rite. You
will wake up late the next day with an astonishing hangover, a foul-taste in
your mouth and wearing strange clothes. Your hosts will usually make sure you
get home, and waive off any legal difficulties with “It’s his first time in
Australia, so we took him to the pub”, to which the policeman will sagely nod
and close his notebook. Be sure to tell the story of these events to every
other Australian you encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage and
noting how strong the beer was. Thus you will be accepted into this unique
culture.

Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered the primary use of
electricity, which is air-conditioning and refrigerators. Typical Australian
sayings:”G’Day!’, “It’s better than a poke in the eye with a blunt
stick”, “She’ll be right”. “And down from Kosciusko, where the pine clad ridges
raise their torn and rugged battlements on high, where the airs is clear as
crystal, and the white stars fairly blaze at midnight in the cold and frosty
sky. And where, around the overflow, the reed beds sweep and sway to the
breezes, and the rolling plains are wide. The Man from Snowy River is a
household word today, and the stockmen tell the story of his ride.”

Tips to Surviving Australia:
* Don’t ever put your hand down a hole for any reason whatsoever. We mean it.
* The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.
* Always carry a stick.
* Air-conditioning
* Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained linguist and
good at fistfight.
* Thick socks.
* Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people
nearby.
* If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all
times, or you will die.
* Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a
core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.

See Also: “Deserts: How to die in them”, “The Stick: Second most useful thing
ever” and “Poisonous and Venomous arachnids, insects, animals, trees, shrubs,
fish and sheep of Australia, Vol. 1-42”.

[Gość: Stary]

Very good indeed, sama prawda, zwlaszcza o piwie.

[Gość: XXX]

Zgadza sie wszystko w szczegolnosci uwielbiam jazde samochodem po zlej stronie
drogi i setki wymijajacych mnie kierowcow z dziwnym gestem jednego paluszka do
gory plus dllllllluuugggiiiii klakson!

[luiza-w-ogrodzie]

Tendencyjne smiesznoty, przeznaczone glownie dla amerykanskich turystow. O ile
dobrze pamietam, te artykuly ukazaly sie w Sydney Morning Herald tuz przed
zeszloroczna olimpiada - jestem 100% co do tego drugiego artykulu.

A ja mieszkam tu prawie 10 lat i nie widzialam ani razu jadowitego weza czy
pajaka...

Niech zyje Australia, kraj mozliwosci i wspanialych plaz!

Luiza-w-Ogrodzie

[Gość: maz]

luiza-w-ogrodzie napisał(a):

> Tendencyjne smiesznoty, przeznaczone glownie dla amerykanskich turystow. O ile
> dobrze pamietam, te artykuly ukazaly sie w Sydney Morning Herald tuz przed
> zeszloroczna olimpiada - jestem 100% co do tego drugiego artykulu.
>
> A ja mieszkam tu prawie 10 lat i nie widzialam ani razu jadowitego weza czy
> pajaka...
>
> Niech zyje Australia, kraj mozliwosci i wspanialych plaz!
>
> Luiza-w-Ogrodzie

A jestes pewna ze tam gdzie mieszkasz to Australia ?????????

[luiza-w-ogrodzie]

Gość portalu: maz napisał(a):

> luiza-w-ogrodzie napisał(a):
>
> > Tendencyjne smiesznoty, przeznaczone glownie dla amerykanskich turystow. O
> ile
> > dobrze pamietam, te artykuly ukazaly sie w Sydney Morning Herald tuz przed
>
> > zeszloroczna olimpiada - jestem 100% co do tego drugiego artykulu.
> >
> > A ja mieszkam tu prawie 10 lat i nie widzialam ani razu jadowitego weza cz
> y
> > pajaka...
> >
> > Niech zyje Australia, kraj mozliwosci i wspanialych plaz!
> >
> > Luiza-w-Ogrodzie
>
> A jestes pewna ze tam gdzie mieszkasz to Australia ?????????

Chyba tak... Podaje wspolrzedne: 33 53' S, 151 10' E



Luiza-w-Ogrodzie

[Gość: maz]

"Chyba tak........" ??????- to nie jestes jednak tego pewna....?????
Ja tez nie - bo poczucie humoru wydaje mi sie na minusie.
A.... i nie wierze ze na polnocny zachod od Sydney nie ma wezy i pajakow.

[luiza-w-ogrodzie]

Gość portalu: maz napisał(a):

> "Chyba tak........" ??????- to nie jestes jednak tego pewna....?????

W weekend i do tego po tutejszym wspanialym winie nie jestem pewna niczego
Ale nadszedl poniedzialek, rozejrzalam sie i okazalo sie ze mieszkam w Sydney!
A Ty skad jestes, maz?

> Ja tez nie - bo poczucie humoru wydaje mi sie na minusie.

Masz na mysli brak poczucia humoru u Australijczykow?

> A.... i nie wierze ze na polnocny zachod od Sydney nie ma wezy i pajakow.

Pewnie sa, zbyt czesto tam nie jezdze oprocz Hunter Region, Barrington Tops, ale
lazac po buszu niczego nie widzialam. Najgorsze sa hunter spider, ktore wlaza mi
do domu - nie cierpie znajdowac na sofie tych wielkich wlochatych ale
nieszkodliwych paskudztw.

Luiza-w-Ogrodzie

[Gość: maz]

Z namiarow jakie podalas to wlasnie mi wyszlo ze mieszkasz na polnocny zachod
od Sydney. Czyzby moj GPS klamal ??????? Jak do tej pory nie robil mi takich
numerow ,nawet biorac poprawke na wojne w afganistanie.
Ja "klepie" z Perth ,a dokladniej z jego polnocnych dzielnic.
Kogo dotyczylo "poczucie humoru", to juz sama musisz sie domyslec
Pozdrowienia

[luiza-w-ogrodzie]

Gość portalu: maz napisał(a):

> Z namiarow jakie podalas to wlasnie mi wyszlo ze mieszkasz na polnocny zachod
> od Sydney. Czyzby moj GPS klamal ??????? Jak do tej pory nie robil mi takich
> numerow ,nawet biorac poprawke na wojne w afganistanie.

Twoj GPS jest w porzadku, ale ja sie poslugiwalam tylko zwyklym atlasem wiec moje
wspolrzedne sa "z grubsza". Mieszkam w SYD.

> Ja "klepie" z Perth ,a dokladniej z jego polnocnych dzielnic.

To strasznie daleko od Sydney - juz dalej nie mozna!

> Kogo dotyczylo "poczucie humoru", to juz sama musisz sie domyslec

Nie domysle sie - za malo wspolrzednych.

Pozdrowienia ze wschodniego wybrzeza!

Luiza-w-Ogrodzie

[Gość: XXX]

luiza-w-ogrodzie napisał(a):

> Tendencyjne smiesznoty, przeznaczone glownie dla amerykanskich turystow. O ile
> dobrze pamietam, te artykuly ukazaly sie w Sydney Morning Herald tuz przed
> zeszloroczna olimpiada - jestem 100% co do tego drugiego artykulu.
>
> A ja mieszkam tu prawie 10 lat i nie widzialam ani razu jadowitego weza czy
> pajaka...
>
> Niech zyje Australia, kraj mozliwosci i wspanialych plaz!
>
> Luiza-w-Ogrodzie


W szczegolnosci mozliwosci na plazach!

[luiza-w-ogrodzie]

Gość portalu: XXX napisał(a):

> luiza-w-ogrodzie napisał(a):
>
> > Tendencyjne smiesznoty, przeznaczone glownie dla amerykanskich turystow. O
> ile
> > dobrze pamietam, te artykuly ukazaly sie w Sydney Morning Herald tuz przed
>
> > zeszloroczna olimpiada - jestem 100% co do tego drugiego artykulu.
> >
> > A ja mieszkam tu prawie 10 lat i nie widzialam ani razu jadowitego weza cz
> y
> > pajaka...
> >
> > Niech zyje Australia, kraj mozliwosci i wspanialych plaz!
> >
> > Luiza-w-Ogrodzie
>
>
> W szczegolnosci mozliwosci na plazach!
>

Zebys wiedzial XXX - co roku swiezy narybek muskularnych ratownikow!!!

Luiza-w-Ogrodzie

[Gość: XXX]

luiza-w-ogrodzie napisał(a):

> Gość portalu: XXX napisał(a):
>
> > luiza-w-ogrodzie napisał(a):
> >
> > > Tendencyjne smiesznoty, przeznaczone glownie dla amerykanskich turyst
> ow. O
> > ile
> > > dobrze pamietam, te artykuly ukazaly sie w Sydney Morning Herald tuz
> przed
> >
> > > zeszloroczna olimpiada - jestem 100% co do tego drugiego artykulu.
> > >
> > > A ja mieszkam tu prawie 10 lat i nie widzialam ani razu jadowitego we
> za cz
> > y
> > > pajaka...
> > >
> > > Niech zyje Australia, kraj mozliwosci i wspanialych plaz!
> > >
> > > Luiza-w-Ogrodzie
> >
> >
> > W szczegolnosci mozliwosci na plazach!
> >
>
> Zebys wiedzial XXX - co roku swiezy narybek muskularnych ratownikow!!!
>
> Luiza-w-Ogrodzie
>


Przede wszystkim w nocy ich nie ma a w dzien nie da sie nic zrobic????

[luiza-w-ogrodzie]

Gość portalu: XXX napisał(a):

> Zebys wiedzial XXX - co roku swiezy narybek muskularnych ratownikow!!!
> >
> > Luiza-w-Ogrodzie
>
> Przede wszystkim w nocy ich nie ma a w dzien nie da sie nic zrobic????
>

Skad Ty XXX w dalekiej Kanadzie mozesz wiedziec jaki jest algorytm postepowania z
ratownikami w Australii? Zreszta ze wzgledu na Twoja plec nie powinienes sie tym
interesowac

Luiza-w-Ogrodzie

[Gość: XXX]

luiza-w-ogrodzie napisał(a):

> Gość portalu: XXX napisał(a):
>
> > Zebys wiedzial XXX - co roku swiezy narybek muskularnych ratownikow!!!
> > >
> > > Luiza-w-Ogrodzie
> >
> > Przede wszystkim w nocy ich nie ma a w dzien nie da sie nic zrobic????
> >
>
> Skad Ty XXX w dalekiej Kanadzie mozesz wiedziec jaki jest algorytm postepowania
> z
> ratownikami w Australii? Zreszta ze wzgledu na Twoja plec nie powinienes sie ty
> m
> interesowac
>
> Luiza-w-Ogrodzie

[Gość: Wombat]

G'day! Milo mi Ciebie znowu spotkac. U mnie plaze zamnkniete ze wzgledu na
stingers, wiec ratownicy beda miec wiecej czasu dla Ciebie. Zapraszam!