HOW TO GIVE A CAT A BATH????

[Gość: RitaSkita]

www.yuckles.com presents

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A BATH
If all else fails, consider dry cleaning!

METHOD #1: CAT BATHING AS A MARTIAL ART
1. Know that although the kitty cat has the advantage of quickness and lack
of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on
that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an
open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If
your bathroom is more than four feet square, we recommend that you get in the
tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to
take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred
a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift
positions.)
2. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin
from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to
dress to protect yourself. We recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top
construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey
face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
3. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to
simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your
strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)
4. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a
single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure,
slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with
shampoo. You have now begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
5. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the
problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more
than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must
remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then
spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The
national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
6. Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part
will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point
and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple
compared with what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat
is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg.
7. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and
wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your
army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose
and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from
the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He
will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot
of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and
develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As
a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you
for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he
smells a lot better.

METHOD #2: FLUSH 'N FLUFF
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids
lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you
may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his
paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power wash and
rinse' which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no
people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he
will dry himself.

Sincerely,

The Dog