Texas hunters

[fibin]

Especially for Kociamama and other women:)

A couple of Texas hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to
the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in
his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps
to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a
calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets
make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard..... The
hunter says, "OK, now what?"

[Gość: lilka]

:))) Was it Georgie B. with his friend Dick Ch. ?

;)

[kociamama]

Thanks for providing me with entertainment;) in a form of a non-sexist joke.
BUt maybe you;re being a bushist, huh? It's even worse in the US these days.

Later,
Kociamama.

Bushes?

[fibin]

A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son

Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where
we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen
within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the
address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with
them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This
place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled
the chain and haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three
days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to
send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail
with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We
got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final
payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes. About your sister, she had
a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so
don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey
vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he
drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Three of your friends
went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in
the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery.
The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down. Not much more news
this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me
know and I will send another one.
Love, Ma

Women are pretty cruel, aren't they?

[fibin]

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from
his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his
manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was
considered cosmetic. The Dr. said that the cost would be $3500 for "small,"
$6500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a
medium or large, but the Dr. urged him to talk it over with his wife before he
made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their
options. The Dr. came back into the room, and found the man looking quite
dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the Doctor. The man
answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

[fibin]

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and
the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his
face. The best man says, ''Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married,
but what's up - you look so excited.'' The groom replies, ''I just had the best
blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful
woman who gave it to me.'' The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too,
has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this
and says, ''Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but
what's up, you look so excited.'' The bride replies ''I have just given the
last blow job of my entire life.''

Watch out...:)

[fibin]

A woman dies and the husband provided a wonderful funeral. After the ceremony
the pall bearers lifted the casket and began to move down the aisle. As they
rounded a corner they bumped into a wall and jarred the casket. From inside a
moan was heard and sure enough, they opened the casket and she was still alive.
The woman lived for ten more years and finally died. Again the same funeral
home and another wonderful ceremony. As the pall bearers lifted the casket and
began to move down the aisle the husband cried out, "Watch out for the fuckin'
wall!"

Government job

[fibin]

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks
him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Korea for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward
employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles
off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are
from 8:00AM to 4:00PM. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00AM."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00PM then why
do you want me to come in at 10:00AM?"

"This is a government job" the interviewer says, "For the first two hours we
sit around scratching our balls... no point in you coming in for that.

Two Texans and the old Jewish man

[dfw]

TWO TEXANS AND THE LITTLE OLD JEWISH MAN

Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and a little old Jewish Texan is
sitting between them.

The first Texan says, "My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1000 head
of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger."

The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 5000 head
of cattle and they call my place Big Johns."

They both look down at the little old Jewish man who says,
"My name is Oiving and I own tree hundert acres".

Roger looks down at him and says, "300 Acres?
What do you raise?"

"Notink", Irving says.

"Well then, what do you call it?", asked John.

......... "Downtown Dallas", said Irving.

:D

two guys

[fibin]

There were these two guys having lunch one day when the first guy says to the
second one, "You ever say one thing to someone when you meant to say something
else?" "How do you mean?" says the second one. "Well last week I was at the
airport in Philly and I wanted to come back here to Pittsburgh and the women at
the counter had these enormous breats so instead of asking for two tickets to
Pittsburgh, I asked for two pickets to Tittsburgh." "I know what you mean.",
says the second guy. "Why just this morning I was having breakfast with my wife
and I meant to ask her to pass the the jelly but instead I said 'You're ruining
my life you stupid bitch!'"

[nasza_maggie]

fib, fib, fib.....
Please change the swear words into 'b***h', 's*it' etc.
otherwise the whole post has to go....and I'm sure your fan club on EO wouldn't
be pleased with that:))

[fibin]

OK Maggie the Sweetheart, your demand looks like a real challenge for poor me
but I'll do my best I promise:)

Another Bushes?

[fibin]

In the back woods of Oklahoma, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle
of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since
there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and
said, "Here you hold this high so I can see what I am doing." Soon, a baby boy
was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor, "Don't be in such a
rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure
enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up,
don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor. Within a few minutes
he had delivered another baby girl. "No, no don't be in a hurry to put down
that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor. The
redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon
it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

Texas 50th Wedding Anniversary

[dfw]

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a Ft. Worth cafe, four elderly
Texas ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to
how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to
the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating
your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"
"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.
"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.

The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th
anniversary, I took the misses to San Antonio. For our 50th, I'm thinking 'bout
going down there again to pick her up."

:)

Bride and groom

[fibin]

A middle aged lawyer and woman meet, fall in love, and decide to get married.
On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the
bride says to her new groom, "Please promise to be gentle,... I am still a
virgin." The startled groom asks, "How can that be? You've been married 3 times
before." The bride responds... "Well you see it was this way: My first husband
was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it. My second
husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it. And my
third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do
was............. God I miss him! But you're a lawyer, so now I *know* I'm gonna
get screwed!"

Texans in Heaven

[Gość: dfw]

Texans in Heaven

Gabriel came to the Lord and said " I have to talk to you. We have some Texans
up here in Heaven who are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly
gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes, their dogs
are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats
instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean. There
are watermelon seeds and pig feet bones all over the place. Some of them are
walking around with just one wing."

The Lord said, "I made them special, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my
children. If you really want to know about real problems, let's call the
Devil."

The Devil answered the phone, " Hello? Damn, hold on a minute."
The Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?"
The Lord replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down
there."
The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."
After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now
what was the question?"
The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"
The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold on, Lord."
This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said ,
"I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. Them damn Texans done put out the fire
and are trying to install air conditioning!!!"

:D

A misunderstanding kind of:)

[fibin]

Drowsing contentedly after an afternoon of making love in bed, suddenly there's
the sound of a the elevator coming up. Dreamily, the girl whispers, "Oh, oh,
quick get moving, that's my husband." Quick as a flash, Bill jumps out of bed,
rushes to the window to see who parked in the visitors lot and suddenly stops
dead. "What d'ya mean?" he bellows "I AM your husband!"

Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I
have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.
Budda

flight attendants

[fibin]

Captain on the plane approaches 3 flight attendants red head, brunette and a
blond he asks them to name a softdrink that best describes their boyfriends.
The red head say hmmm.. 7up cause my boyfriend is seven inches and he is always
up ..up...up.. The brunette replies mountain dew because.. Hes built like a
mountain and he always wants to doo. doo . doo. The blond response is hmmm...
Jack Daniels.... Captain looks puzzled and tells the blond jack daniels? thats
not a soft drink... thats a hard liquor..... the blonde say Exactly...(hard
lickker...) thats him!

Efficiency Expert

[fibin]

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat
down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby
waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and
set it on the table.
The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in
their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited
our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the
spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips
to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented,
"Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string
hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency
Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after
using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my
penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and
then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no
need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in
your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

Suicide

[fibin]

A man is feeling realy depressed, his wife has left him and taken the children,
he`s lost his job and his car has been repossed, so he thinks of killing
himself. Having no idea how to go about this task and affraid to ask his
friends or family he decides to go to the library and get a book on the
subject. When he arrives at the library he asks the librarian if she has any
books on suicide. "I'm affraid we haven't got any left", she says, "they never
bring them back"

[kaya11]

he he he

A little old lady:)

[fibin]

A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she
goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoo's all
over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club." The guy was
amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join.
The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle? The little old lady replies "Yep ...
my bike's parked over there", and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in
the driveway. The biker asks, "Do you drink?" The little old lady
replies, "Yep, drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the
table." The biker asks, "Do you smoke?" The little old lady
replies, "Yep...smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three
joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked
up by the fuzz?" The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but
I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

[Gość: lilka]

fibin, Ty swintuszku ! :)

[fibin]

Not me, my sweetheart, not me, looks like a little old lady has dirty thougths
in her head:)

Fuzz means police in American slang as far as I know:)

Lawyers will be lawyers:)

[fibin]

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started
massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front
turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?" "Well," said the
guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had
to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!" "That's
the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "Im a lawyer. Do you see
me scr*wing the guy in front of me?!".

* Our Maggie's requirement:)

[Gość: lilka]

thanks fibin,
I got the previous joke as I know that "fuzz" is an old slang for a police
officer. I don't know if other people got it as it so location and
time-specific. For example in Canada - nobody uses it anymore.
Anyways, thanks for providing humour to this site, it's so needed !
Please, keep doing it !!!

[fibin]

Thanks for your nice and encouraging words:)

I knew that you knew, but a little old lady had obviously not known:)

By the way, I love playing with words, and sometimes it takes me a while to get
the real meaning. And sometimes, I am afraid, I do not get it at all! But we
learn all the life long, do not we?

I have a lot of English speaking friends from all over the world on my ICC
chess side, I talk (write) to them almost everyday so I may practise my written
English and pick up some new jokes and words as well never leaving my home:)

One of the best jokes with "word playing" was one about "a little head". I
wonder how many people here got the real meaning of it:)

A smart cat:)

[fibin]

A Polish one this time for a change, but I like it, kind of (and I do not like
my mother in law, I must truly admit). The last three words are in English, so
it belongs here afterall I guess:)

Teściowa po 10 latach kłótni postanawia pogodzić się ze swoim
zięciem.
Zaprasza jego i córkę na obiad. Podaje kotleta, surówkę, ale
zapomniała o ziemniakach.
Wraca do kuchni. Przezorny zięć postanawia sprawdzić, czy kotlet nie
jest zatruty. Kroi kawałek i daje kotu.
Ten gryzie i nagle pada martwy na ziemię. Zięć wstaje, idzie do
kuchni, bierze patelnię i zabija teściową.
Wraca do pokoju i mówi do żony: Kochanie, wyobraź sobie, że ta stara
rura chciała mnie otruć. Wziąłem patelnię i ją zabiłem!
Na co kot wstaje, otrzepuje się i krzyczy: YESSS!YESSS!YESSS!

Men will be men:)

[fibin]

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he
mentions the problems he has had getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I
have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby
drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client placed the
ball in his mouth, and the barber proceeded with the closest shave the man had
ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asked in garbled speech. "And
what if I swallow it?" "No problem," said the barber. "Just bring it back
tomorrow like everyone else does!"

A dear lover:)

[fibin]

A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the
airport after midnight, and while enroute to his home, asked the driver if he
would be a witness, as he suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected
to catch her in the act. The driver agreed, and they both tiptoed into the
bedroom, turned on the lights pulled the blanket back and found the wife in bed
with another man. The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife
shouted, "Don't do it, this man has been very generous. Who do you think paid
for the Corvette I said I bought for you, who do you think paid for our new
boat, he did!" The husband, looked over at the cab driver, and said, "What
would you do in a case like this?" The cabbie smiled, and said, "I'd cover him
up before he catches cold."

A poor cop:)

[fibin]

A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy
stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five
minutes. When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get
the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives
off. When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over,
and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol
level of 0.0. The cop says, 'How is this possible?' The guy says,'Tonight I'm
the designated decoy.'  

 

Roulettes:)

[fibin]

The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was
entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the
African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best
hospitality that Russia had to offer. On the final day of his visit, the
Russian ambassador said "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you
to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this
gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the
trigger." This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior
people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun,
and pulled the triggers. Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors
breathed a sigh of relief. The African ambassador was much impressed with the
courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian
Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year. When the visit came, the
African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final
day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African
ambassador spoke "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette".
So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were
six beautiful, naked women. The African ambassador said "These women are the
most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will provide you
with oral sex - take your pick". The Russian was not entirely averse to this
idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said "Well,
ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?" With a big grin
on his face, the African ambassador Answered, "One of them is a cannibal"

[Gość: lilka]

fibin,
Thanks again :))))))))
I've been away from the site for a while but now I'm back and I've read all the
jokes and had a good laugh. I live in Canada, so I can understand only our local
slang. The rest - I'm just guessing or checking in a dictionary ! I'm not very
familiar with the British slang/idioms and what I noticed is that they can be
very different from ours.
However, your jokes are very funny (if they are not sexist or racist of course!)
so keep posting them! My favourite so far is "mother-in-law invites her
son-in-law for dinner" (by the way I don't like my ex-mother-in-law either but
unfortunately - she doesn't have a cat :((( !)