Supervisory position

[fibin]

A native American walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and is pulling
a male buffalo with the other hand and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the native American a
tall mug of coffee. After drinking the coffee down in one gulp, the native
American turns and shoots the buffalo with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the native American returns. He has his shotgun in one hand
and is pulling another male buffalo with the other hand. He walks up to the
counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from
yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"

The native American smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management
position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to
clean up, disappear for rest of day."

Mission accomplished

[fibin]

A couple, who have been married for 45 years decide to go back to the cabin
where they had their honeymoon. After reaching their destination, the wife says
to the husband "Sit down honey, I have a surprise for you". She returns in a
transparent night gown and asks "do you remember this darling?" "I sure do
honey", he replies. She asks "do you remember the words you said to me at first
night?" He said "I sure do honey, I said I was going to suck your tits dry and
f**k your brains out" She immediately ripped off he gown and asked "Well what
do you think" He replied 'mission accomplished…"

[fat_pig]

boy, you shoot the bull agian. wait till your squaw reads that! hehe
give us more decent jokes like this one, and post some pics of that wifie of
yours the time you went to the cabin FIRST time.
;)

[fibin]

Nice to hear you liked it:)

Here's another not very decent one:

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar with money in it and a horse standing
next to it. The bartender told the man to put a dollar in the jar and make the
horse laugh. So the man put a dollar into the jar and told the horse something.
Suddenly the horse began to laugh hysterically. The man took the money and
left. The next day the man walked into the bar and saw the jar of money and the
horse standing next to it. This time, the bartender told the man to make the
horse cry. the man put a dollar in the jar, walked over to the horse, and the
horse began to cry. The man took the money and as he was about to leave when
the bartender asked him... "How did you do that?" the man replied, "On the
first day, I told the horse my dick was longer than his, and on the second day,
I showed him."

Tall Tale?

[fibin]

Now you will know how a certain word came into being.

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it
was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure
were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than
when wet; but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the
process of fermentation began again, of which a byproduct is methane gas. As
the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did)
happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came
below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this
manner before it was determined just what was happening.

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the label "Ship High
In Transport" which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower
decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile
cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T" (Ship High In Transport) which has come down
through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know
the true history of this word. Neither did I

A doctor and his nurse.

[fibin]

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she
told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the
nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby
there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?"she asked. He
replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back.
I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took
the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the
doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a
very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't
understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home
and I will explain it to you". Later that evening the doctor came home,
read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics
rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He
asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife
picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti
- Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."

Wives will be wives:)

[fibin]

A driver is stopped by a police officer. The driver asks, "What's the problem
officer?" Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone." Man: "No sir, I
was going 65." Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a
dirty look.) Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail
light." Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives
his wife another dirty look.) Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation
for not wearing your seatbelt." Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were
walking up to the car." Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt." The man
turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!" The Officer turns to the woman
and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?" The
wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."

Test

[fibin]

Three couples, one newlywed, one married for 17 years, and one very elderly
couple go into a church and ask the Minister to join his congregation. They are
all told the same response, that they must pass a test of faith to be welcome
in his church. The test is that they must refrain from sex for 30 days, and to
come back and see him then. 30 days goes by, and the elderly couple come
in. "Well, how did it go?" asks the Minister. "We haven't had sex in 30 years,
sir" " Well then, your are welcome in my church" replies the Minister. The many
years married couple come in, and replied that it was a bit edgy around the 20
day mark, but managed to abstain from sex as a test of faith. The Minister
replied "Congratulations, you are welcome in our church". Later that day, the
newlywed couple show up. "How did it go", asked the Minister. "Well, we quite
managed to not have sex for 18 days, as we really wanted to join this church,
sir, but the 19th day, she was bending over the freezer, picking up a pot
roast , wearing this little black miniskirt, and, well, I just couldn't help
it, I gave it to her , right then and there." "Well, I'm sorry, then , you
still haven' t passed the test of faith, so you are not yet welcome in our
church". replies the Minister. "That's OK", says the man, "We aren't welcome in
the grocery store anymore either."

Little Johnny

[fibin]

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you
know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your
teeth, make you fat." Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107
years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own f**king business!"

What other way?

[fibin]

A college professor in an anatomy class asked his students to sketch a naked
man. As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches he noticed
that a sexy young coed had sketched the man with an erect penis. The professor
commented, "Oh, no, I wanted it the other way." She replied, "What other way?"

A blonde again:)

[fibin]

A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a
gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door
and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blond is angry, She opens her
purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She
takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do
it." The blond replies "Shut up stupid! You're next."

Like a baby...

[fibin]

A man finally get to sleep with this woman. Before sex the woman says "Before
we have sex I have to perfectly honest with you. I am as flat as a pancake."
The man says "You are very well breasted how can that be true." She then took
off her bra and the fake tits came with it. The man then said to her "since we
are being honest, I am hung like a baby." The woman replied "size is not
important it is how you use it" She proceded yo unbutton his pants and this
incredibly monstrous dick fell out of his pants. The woman replied "I thought
you said you were hung like a baby." The man replied "I am... 9 pounds 4 ounces
23 1/2 inches."

A cat and mice

[fibin]

Mrs. Biddle was walking down the street one day carrying a small box with holes
punched in the top. "What's in that box?" Mrs. Riddle asked. "A cat," Mrs.
Biddle answered. "What for?" "I've been dreaming about mice at night, and I'm
scared of mice. The cat is to catch them." "But the mice you dream about are
imaginary," said Mrs. Riddle. Mrs. Biddle turned to her friend and
whispered, "So is the cat."

The best friend?

[fibin]

A guy walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. The bartender poured him
the drink and the guy drank it down in one gulp. "Wow," said the
bartender. "Something bad musta happened." "I came home early today," answered
the guy. "I went up to the bedroom, and there was my wife having sex with my
best friend." The bartender poured the dude another triple shot. "This one's on
the house." The guy gulped it down once again. The bartender asked, "Did you
say anything to your wife?" The guy answered, "Yeah, I walked up to her and
told her we were through. 'Pack your bag's and get out!' I told her." "What
about your friend?" asked the bartender. "I looked him straight in the eye and
said, 'Bad dog!'"

To Fibin

[gruppenfuhrer_wolf]

Thanks Buddy, you made my day, possibly my week. All the jokes are great, but
the first one (with Tonto), I'm going to distribute at work. My upper
management is in the middle of restructuring yet again, you see...
Keep'em comin'!!!

[fibin]

You're welcome, nice to hear you like them jokes, I'll do my best to keep them
coming:)

Btw, those jokes are from all over the world! The one about Tonto is from South
Afrika for example! I play chess via Internet and have a lot of friends in many
countries on all continents. Besides of playing we often talk (write?) a lot
and sometimes exchange jokes as well:)

cheers, fibin

Lawyers will be lawyers;)

[fibin]

An airliner was having engine trouble and the pilot instructed the cabin crew
to have the passengers take their seats and prepare for and emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the air hostess if everyone was buckled in
and ready. "All ready back here, Captain," came the reply, "except for one
lawyer, who is passing out business cards."

Mafia's business

[fibin]

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the
private businesses that they were "protecting." Feeling the heat from the
police
force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job. If he were to get
caught,
he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He gets
greedy,
decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mafia soon
realizes
that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf
collector.
The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf
collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an
interpreter.
The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"
The deaf man replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking
about."
The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector.
"Now ask him where the money is!"
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf man replies, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park."
The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're
talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."

The four gents

[fibin]

These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the
clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to
the first tee. "My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the
home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design
and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able
to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift." The second man, not to be
outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a
multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he
gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift." The third man's son has worked his
way up through a stock brokerage. And in the last few weeks has given a good
friend a large stock portfolio as a gift. As the fourth man arrives at the tee
box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks
what line his son is in. "To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my
son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser,
and I've just recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual. But, on the
bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends
have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock
certificates."

[chris-joe]

As a practicing homosexual I am appalled! Apparently I am not so good at what I
do!!!
Well, gotta run, talk to u later.

[pc4u]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the Bird section
and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The clerk comes over and asks if he can
help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere" says
Gerry, "and would you be after puttenham in a peeper bag?" The clerk does and
the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.

They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and
stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand
place, eh?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on
his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the
edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'. Paddy
looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis
budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me."

A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up
carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and Paddy
notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun. "Hi, Paddy. Watch
dis," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy
watches as half way down, Seamus takes out the gun and blows the parrot's head
off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a 'SPLAT'!, As he joins Gerry's
remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin'
dat parrotshooting nider."

A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to
the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. Instead of a
parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff
with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head - 'Fock me thge world
must be going mad; first der was Gerry wit his "budgie jumping," den Seamus wit
his parrotshooting and now Sean wit his fockin' hengliding."

3 dogs

[fibin]

3 dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vet's office. One is a Poodle, one
is a Schnauzer and the other is a Great Dane. The Poodle turns to the Schnauzer
and asks, "Why are you here?" The Schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I
don't see or hear very well. I've been having accidents in the house. My owner
says I'm too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep." The
Schnauzer asks the poodle, "Why are you here?" The Poodle responds, "I've not
been myself lately. I've been especially high strung. I've been barking all the
time, I've been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor's kids.
Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting
somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep." The Poodle and
Schnauzer ask the Great Dane why he is here. The Great Dane responds, "My owner
is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house
naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something she dropped. She was
bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know I'm on top
of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn't help myself." The Poodle asks, "So
your owner brought you here to be put to sleep?" The Great Dane says, "No, I'm
just here to get my nails trimmed."

Shingles

[fibin]

More and more doctors are running their practices like an assembly line. One
fella walked into a doctor's surgery and the receptionist asked him what he
had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address, medical insurance
number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came
out and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles". So she took down his
height, weight, a complete medical history, and told him to wait in an
examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He
said "Shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an
electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the
doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He
said, "Shingles." The doctor said, "Where?" He said, "Outside in the truck.
Where do you want them?"

A pirate

[fibin]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in
a while. What happened, you look terrible!" "What do you mean? I'm fine." "What
about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," said the
pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the Doc
fixed me up, and I'm fine, really." "Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The
last time I saw you, you had both hands." "We were in another battle and we
boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the
Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really." "Oh," said the
bartender, "what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had
both eyes." "One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship.
I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye." "You're kidding," said the
bartender, "you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!" "Well, I
really wasn't used to the hook yet"

Sharon Stone-style

[fibin]

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it
has been one month since my last confession. I've had s*x with Fannie
Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner,"You
are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's'."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two
months since my last confession. I have had s*x with Fannie Green twice
a week for the last two months." This time the priest asks, "Who is this
Fannie Green?"

A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies. Very well,"
says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his
sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's
eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in
front of the Altar.
Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green
shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs
slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The priest turns to the
altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?" The altar boy
replies, "No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes."

A doctor and a lawyer

[fibin]

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer,
seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and
offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the
flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. "Aren't you going to
have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor. "Sure; after the police leave,"
replied the lawyer.

Sportsmen

[fibin]

During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were
blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face
country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost
hit my wife."

"Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot at
mine, over there."

A priest and a boy

[fibin]

A priest was walking along the school corridor near the preschool wing when a
group a little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little
lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes
and asked, "Why do you dress funny?" He told him that he was a priest and that
this is the uniform priests wear. Then the boy pointed to the priest's little
plastic collar insert and asked, "Does it hurt? Do you have a boo-boo?" The
priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar insert looked like
a band aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On
the back of the collar are raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer.
The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those
words say?" "Yes I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering
intently at the letters he said, "It says, kills ticks and fleas up to six
months!"

Jewish brothers

[fibin]

Three successful Jewish brothers compared their wealth by the presents they had
recently sent their old mother for her 75th birthday. Shlomo, the oldest,
said: "I built a big mansion for our mother." Moishe, the second, said: "I sent
her a Mercedes with a driver." Ira, the youngest, said: "You remember how our
mama used to enjoy reading the bible? Now she can’t see very well. So I sent
her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole bible... Mama just has to name
the chapter and verse." A few days later a letter arrived from their
mother. "Shlomo," she wrote, "the mansion you built is so huge. I live only in
one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Moishe," she wrote, "I am too
old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes.
And that driver - he’s a pain in the tuchas." "But Ira," she wrote, "the
chicken was delicious!"

Two bats:)

[fibin]

Two bats were sitting in a cave. Suddenly one flew out into the night and
yelled: "Man, I’m starving! I need to get some blood!" He returned about three
hours later, with blood dripping from his fangs and mouth. "Where’d you get the
blood from?" asked the other bat. "Well, you go out the cave... And you see the
first tree on the left?" "Yes," the other bat replied. "Well, I didn't."

playing doctor

[fibin]

Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was
becoming routine and boring. "Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why
don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do," said
Irving. "Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an
hour?" "Just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!"

Little Tim

[fibin]

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over
the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely
asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied Tim
tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was
concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tim patted
down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your
cat."

Little Johnny

[fibin]

Little 5 year old Johnny is bugging his mom in the kitchen; exasperated, she
says, "Johnny I'm busy now, why don't you go watch the builders working on the
house next door, may be you will learn something!" So l'l Johnny runs over to
see the work crew. Several hours later Johnny returns and Mom asks what he did
today? Johnny says, "Well, first we put the goddamn door up, but the son-of-a-
bitch wouldn't fit, so we had to take the cock-sucker back downagain, shave a
few pussy hairs off, and then we put the motherfu**er back up again." His Mom
is shocked and sends Johnny to his room. Dad comes home and hears about the
language and goes up to ask Johnny what he said to his Mom? So Johnny repeats
the whole rap again. His Dad gets angry and says, "Johnny, go bring me a
switch!!!" To which l'l Johnny replies, "Get fu**ed! That's the electricians
job!"