Cinderella

[fibin]

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead
Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from
her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship. One sunny
afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella
said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The
Fairy Godmother replied, "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good,
wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is
there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella is taken aback,
overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath
she uttered her first wish "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension”.
Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was
stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the
edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said "Oh thank you, Fairy
Godmother". The Fairy Godmother replied, "It is the least I can do. What does
your heart wish for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail
body, and said, "I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again".
At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful
youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had
been dormant for years and long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course
through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one
more wish, what shall you have?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat
in the corner and said, "I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a
beautiful and handsome young man". Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so
fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood
before her, a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever
seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet. The
Fairy Godmother again spoke "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new
life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had
ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her
rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leant in
close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her
golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having my balls chopped
off now, don't you?"

[easystreet]

Man, and I thought I was long-winded. Divide it up into installments, please,
and then maybe I'll want to read it. PLEASE!

[minimus]

You thought fibin's one was long?

Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise
and proceeds to have the time of his life, until the boat sinks. He finds
himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies,
nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most
gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks
her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other
side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship
sank." "Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up
with you." "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw
materials I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches,
I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a
Eucalyptus tree."

"But-but, that's impossible," stutters Ed. "You had no tools or hardware. How
did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south
side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I
found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the
hardware." Ed is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks
onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading
to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the
rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead,
dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but
I call it home. Sit down please. Would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut
juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about
a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they
sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to
slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and
shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the
cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow
ground edge are fastened onto its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "Wow! This
woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically
positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down
next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to
him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's
something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been
longing for all these months. You know..."

She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing: "You mean... ",
he swallows excitedly, "I can check my e-mail!?"

[minimus]

but I know some shorter ones too:

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange so I went to the
currency exchange window at the local bank.
Short line... just one guy in front of me.
He was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a
little agitated. He asked the teller:
"Why it change, yestoday I get two hunat dolla fo yen - today I get hunat
eighty?"
The teller says, "Fluctuations."
The Chinese guy says, "Fluc you white guys too!"

[okrent9]

:D