tomek854
11.03.11, 00:04
U mnie w firmie panuje pewna rozbieżnosć jeśli chodzi o standard w jakim utrzymywane są nasze pojazdy.
Rozbieżność polega na tym, że ja uważam, że powinne być naprawiane zanim się rozkraczą na drugim końcu Europy, a szefowstwo uważa, że jestem jakimś dziwakiem z Polski co ma głupie pomysły i dupę zawraca, że coś tam stuka, puka, czy jest wygięte.
Postanowiłem przejść do ofensywy humorystycznej i podrzuciłem w firmie taki paszkwil:
Date ...... , Glasgow
Dear diary. Today Paul from the office called me and said that I can pick any van as there is plenty parked in the yard. Hurray! I knew this day will come! I finally have chance to drive a roadworthy one!
(five hours later)
Yes! yes! yes! I succeeded! I managed to fix every major defects in one using parts from the other six! What a feeling! I will pull in front of Prestwick terminal and all the Polish chicks are mine!
Date ......, Folkestone
Today, when I was waiting to board the train I saw the clouds of smoke. Soon four fire trucks rushed past me. “Oh no” - I thought to myself - “Please, not a fire in the tunnel again, I need to be in Austria tomorrow”. What a relief – there was no fire. It's only our van number 12 coming back from Europe.
Date ......, Glasgow
While picking my van up, I noticed that this screw in right rear tyre of van nr 4 is still in. I think we should fix it quickly, otherwise the conservationist office will recognize it as a historic monument and then the only option will be to donate the van to National Trust...
Date ......, Germany
Today I was pulled by BAG. They weren't happy that my windscreen is cracked. I managed to convict them, that it's actually not a cracked windscreen, but a latest development in Satelite Navigation – map projected on the windscreen. They checked it against their road atlas and told me I am free to go. “Excellent coverage of Ruhrgebiet” - said one of the officers – “but the bit of the local road between Autobahn 2 and Nationale 34 is missing, you might need to upgrade your map”.
Date ......, Glasgow
Yupeee! There is new dent on the side of van 06. I think I am going to win that bet. Tony is already out of the game, he was too optimistic by betting that 4 panels will survive undamaged till Easter. Kevin placed bet for two, I placed my tenner on none. And there is still over a month.
Date ......, Hungary
Today while driving over railway crossing, the wire hanging out the towing bar hooked on some element of the track mount. Now I know how the jet fighter pilots feel when they land on the aircraft carieer...
Date ......, Norway
I skided on the ice, went of the road and rested with my side on the safety bareer. Luckily noone was hurt, but it was hard to recover the van. Finally the towing truck managed to pull it back on the road. At this very moment, the policeman came. He watched one side of the van, then he watched the other... Then he watched this side again and went over to examine the other side... Finally he approached me and asked “Excuse me, could you tell me which way were you going when you had hit the bareer?”
Date ......., Glasgow
I was send to pick up our van from the garage. There was only Sweddish Chef behind the desk and this guy speaks much worse English than mine, so I decided to go to the workshop and look for another employee. The place was a disaster and I could not find anybody. Suddenly I heard terrible noise from the lubricants storage room. I went there and found The Animal practicing playing percussion on the empty oil drums. He had Kermit's phone number on the tag attached on his collar, so I phoned him. “I am sorry” - said Kermit - “Your van is not ready yet, Beaker managed to blow it up together with half of our workshop”. Oh, please, not again...
Date ......, Hungarian/Croatian border
I am stuck here for second day. I am growing to be some kind of local hero, people struggle to believe that someone without extraterriestal powers would be able to drive this van all the way from Scotland. They bring me their kids to bless them and expect me to fight the crime and save kittens from the trees.
Date ..... Hungarian/Croatian border.
It's been two weeks since I am waiting for the custom paperwork to be cleared. Oh, if only the office staff was aware that Croatia is not in European Union!
In the meantime I am making a lot of new friends. Many people are trying to help me. Today Serbian trucker approached me and offered his help. “I saw you here last week, I guess you broken down. “ he said ”I know, it's very hard to find someone willing to try fix vehicle like yours, but my mate told me that there is one mechanic in Sarajevo, who is undertaking cases other find hopeless. He likes to prove himself. I heard he's now trying to fix Columbia Space Shuttle, but it's allways worth to ask if he'll find a time to look at yours as well. That seems to be even bigger challenge!”.
Date ......., London
Today, when I came out of the shop, I notice man with moustache hugging bonnet of my van and crying. I managed to calm him down. He explained to me in broken English that he miss his country and when he saw my van, it reminded him of his family home. His parents run a scrap yard in Kazakhstan.
Date......., Belgium
I stopped for a hitchiker. Before I managed to say hello, he said that he just realised that he has to go in opposite direction and run away. This one was scared more than others. Maybe I should try in Holland, there is a chance that I will find one stoned enough to keep me company
Date ......, Poland
Today I was stuck behind a convoy heading for the military vehicle fair. I could not overtake them, as the column was too long. There were two T-34 tanks, three Scot armoured transporters, 2 Ex Eastern-Germany army Trabant Tramps, 5 Kraz lorries and one giant Soviet nuclear missile transporter. Man, that was some toy! I hoped that I will be able to make picture of that, but sadly there was an Inspekcja Transportu Drogowego post and I was pulled for excessive smoke emissions while military convoy continued on their merry way
Date ......, Germany
After I paid for my fuel, I noticed a Eastern German Barkas van parked outside the garage. It was a sing on it saying that it's for sale or swap and that difference in vehicles value will be paid in cash. Out of couriosity I asked the guy how much he asks for this van. “600 euro” his answer was “but if you would like to swap yours for it, you will have to pay me 800”.
Date ......, Slovenia.
I am sitting on the car park. I alredy bought a vignette and now I am reading book waiting for the text message from the office. The guys from the office just told me “Go to Slovenia, and we'll send you the details of your collection later” so I drove all the way from Austria and now I am waiting for more detailed instructions. Finally I received the message. It says “Ulice Gagarinova 15, Bratislava”.
Date ......, Glasgow
I collected the van from the garage. It was there for oil change and general service. When I left their yard I went over speed bump and the whole rear axle came off. I walked back to the workshop and complained about it. Gonzo the Great said “This is absolutely normal, just give it a time to settle down, mate”.
Date ......., Ukraine
I was stopped by the militia patrol. They suspected me for theft and breach of nuclear safety law. “You are not supposed to remove anything from the zone” they said. They had to check my van twice with a Geiger-Muller sensor before they finally believed that my van is actually not one of vehicles abandoned in Pripet after Tchernobyl disaster.
Date ......., England
One of our vans just overtook me. It's too dirty on the back to read the
