Red neck mama:)

[fibin]

Redneck mama

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...

"WOW," the social worker exclaims,"are they ALL YOURS???"

"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that
question a thousand times before.
She says, "Sit down Leroy."

All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need
all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."

"OK, and who's next?"

"Well, this one he is Leroy, also."

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the
oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy.
Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL
named Leroy?"

Their Momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get
them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'

An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes
arunnin.'

An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just
yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin'

them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and
says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the
whole bunch?"

"I call them by their last names."

Bad sex

[fibin]

A women on her deathbed called her husband and instructed him to look under
their bed and open the wooden box he found. He was puzzled by the 3 eggs and
$7,000 in cash he found in the box, so he asked his wife what the eggs were
for. "Oh those", she replied, "every time we had bad sex, I put an egg in the
box". Not bad, the husband thought to himself, after 35 years of marriage, then
he asked, "But what about the $7,000?" "Oh that", she replied, "every time I
got a dozen I sold them."

all the equipment

[fibin]

A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and
the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after
getting up really early that morning and took a nap. While he slept, the wife
decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed
out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the Game
Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's
doing? She says, "Reading my book." The Game Warden tells her she is in a
restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he
replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write
you up!" Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the
warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape." The warden, shocked by
her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you." To which the lady
replied, "Yeah, but you have all the equipment!"

nightmares

[fibin]

A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a
nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he
is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the
son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie
dies. One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him
goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son.
The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father
assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The next day,
granddaddy dies. One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish
him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his
son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father
assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed. The man goes to bed but
cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for
his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously
to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of
food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He
jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk. Upon
walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. "Good God,
Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!" She
responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep
this morning."